Changes in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Fucking everything is different.

Thank god for Cardi B.

Gangsta Bitch music…that’s the only thing that even matters anymore.

I wish I was a gangsta bitch…I wish I was some stripper ho. “The only time I hold my tongue is when I’m sucking dick.”

I miss Danny…a lot…he’s been texting me today, telling me how awesome Austin is. Finally he was like, “I’m just trying to get you to come out and visit man.” Haha…he’s been gone like two weeks, but I feel it…if I could, I’d drop everything and go out there for a week, I miss him so bad.

I miss Brittany…I don’t know if I miss Brittany more than Danny, but it’s pretty damn close…I keep having these stupid little fantasies where her piece of shit boyfriend cheats on her and she realizes how fucking stupid and shitty he is and then she’s like, “I want to be your friend again.” And I’m like, “Hmmmmm…I dunno…let me think about it for like ZERO SECONDS” And then we are friends again because I love her so god damn much, even if she can just drop me like a bad habit for some dude…

…fuck it sucks.

Golnar wants me to stop drinking so bad…today I told her I was going to stop drinking because I’m getting fat and she was like “You’re not getting fat” and I was like “Look at my face!” and she was like, “Yeah…your face is getting a little squishy, isn’t it? I like it, you look like you’re turning into a man…you finally are starting to look like a 33 year old” So then I’m like, “Well shit…should we just see how fat I can get? I’m totally down to ride this out and see how bad/good it can get!” But she shut that down and instead told me that I should come to yoga with her…because she’s always trying to get me to go to yoga, she’s always like, “There are so many hot women bending over, you’ll love it.” But she knows full well that I give no fucks about hot women bending over…I’m over it.

Oh, well…then Maryann was like, “You’ll fall in love so many times a day if you start doing yoga” And she was actually totally correct because I fall in love super easily with strangers all the time…but it’s not my fault…I fall in love with plants and animals too…I just fall in love with leaving creatures really easily…and then it passes…just this brief, yet insanely strong emotion.

Anyway…

…

I have this recursive function that I’m trying to write…the entire thing is insanely long, but for some reason, when I have the function call itself again at the end it doesn’t fire correctly and I’m sitting here like…who the fuck needs recursion anyway?
What the fuck is even an infinity?
Who is “God”?

Stupid code.

We’re building our own servers from scratch and then building these databases inside of them from scratch so we can make our own API calls and just buttfuck ourselves basically…I feel like that’s what all of coding comes down to, just a bunch of human-centipede type shit.

The deeper I get into this whole mess the more and more I become completely convinced that all of this is just a simulation…like, at this point there’s no way you could convince me otherwise…and it’s not just knowing what I know about the god language, it’s also what I saw on DMT, I saw the architects of this entire thing…this whole thing is just code…an insane amount of code.

DNA? Code.

Have you ever researched entangled particles? No one can figure out why they behave the way they do…well, if there was a function written for them to operate the way they do then of course they can do what they do in the blink of an eye across any amount of distance because it’s simply written in the program.

I could write a simple macro for that shit in like…twenty minutes.

Quantum Physics? It’s all just a god damn bunch of code!

The only fuck of it all is that I can’t tell if knowing this makes me feel better or worse…like, is it more comfortable to believe that life is this magickal thing, or is it more better to understand that it’s all just math and thus an illusion?

Oh…Golnar and I are making “more better” a thing, and it’s fucking amazing…I love the way people light up when you say that to them.

…

Last night I went out to dinner with this guy from my class, and he’s actually really cool…super nerdy but in a hip sort of way…and not in a HIPSTER sort of way, but like…he’s a cool guy that just happens to be a super nerd…I feel a lot of kinship with that.

I mean…I used to be cool.

Last night he told me that I’m a solid 7.
He said once I get a better job and start making that code money I’ll be a solid 8, 8 1/2.

Fuck, I’ll take it.

I used to be a 9 back in the day…but then I stopped caring about everything.
It’s weird how when you stop caring about sex you kind of just let a lot of things go…like, I started dressing down, and I stopped caring at all about what anyone thinks about me.

In a lot of ways it’s been crazy freeing…but in a lot of ways it also kind of takes the fire out of life.

I dunno.

…

Anyway…I feel really left behind right now…just by everyone in general.
It sucks.
Golnar just started her masters program so she’s all “busy” now (even though I do work and school and still find the time to hang out with her) so I now effectively only really have one friend to hang out with anymore.

I guess I can start hanging out with this Michael guy from class.

I don’t know.

I wish I knew what happened to Alex…I mean, I get that he started dating a girl and he works and does school…but it still seems like he just dropped off the face of the earth.

fuck man.

Lex doesn’t ever even want to hang out…like, she says she does, but then she always flakes....I feel like Brittany was the glue holding that relationship together.

So…you know…fuck me, right?

Whatever…soon this will all be over and I won’t even remember being “Dane” and I wont remember the pain that I’ve gone through, and I won’t remember the good times that I’ve experienced…I won’t remember the love I’ve had, or the love that I’ve lost…I won’t remember that I love art and music…I won’t remember how important my family is to me…I won’t remember beer…

…my body will forget I ever happened, and I will forget my body.

Just like it’s supposed to be.

…

I’m going to go skateboard now.
Maybe I’ll write more later tonight, I can feel like maybe the well isn’t empty.
I don’t know.
I don’t know anything.
I love you.
I hope I don’t forget that.

-Dane