Just Thinking... in meh...

For the first time in weeks, I’m able to come on at work and just think through my fingers. Not at all cheerful of what I’ve been thinking about. Well, I take that back. For those that believe, I’ve been humbly grateful and thankful for the blessing of a car. I’ve been walking this fine line of being humble and not trying to brag. I don’t want to be that person. I want to just go about my life like I should. However, I feel like for those that dumped me, don’t start making dates with me now. Keep forgetting about me and not inviting me to stuff. I will do my own thing.

The thing that brought me here though, was that I was wondering. Somehow my mind got on the topic of sex. Which, actually, is nothing new. I’m a dirty old man on the inside. LOL I was thinking about how in the news there has been an increase in syphilis cases in the county. I’m not having sex and haven’t had sex for the past 3 years I think. So my mind rabbit holes so damn much it’s nuts.

Anyway…I got into a train of thought about why I am alone. Part of it is I’m working on me. I’m trying to better myself in certain areas of my life. I then thought about partner choices I’ve made. Well not the choices I’ve made, but… Okay like when I was talking about Him and how he always has innuendo laden conversation and constantly mental slapping his dick in my face. I mean, if I were to call him on it and ask him is that all I am to him, he would defend my honor and say of course I’ve always been more than that. But why is it that the sex is the thing that always comes up if I mean more than that? And I tell you the truth when I say that is how the conversation would go. I know him, but does he know me?

That thought then made me think about all of the ones that never wanted me to be the one that they come home to. I mean, what is wrong with me? Everyone wants to lay down, but no one wants to stay around. It sucks. It hurts. I never advertise how great a lay I am despite how true it is. LOL But I’m thoughtful, I’m considerate and no I’m not like that all the time. I have my Jekyll and Hyde moments like anyone else. Perhaps is because I’m always perpetuating that I be everything to everyone they take advantage. I communicate how I feel.

I don’t know what it is about me.
I don’t have daddy issues.
I have acceptance issues as a whole.
I don’t like to be put in comparisons with other people because it makes me feel less than because the person I’m often compared to often has more, weighs less, etc. and that is one reason why if I feel like I’m living in the shadow of a past girlfriend, we can’t do it.

But there is always that something that keeps me from being THEIR one.

::shrugs:: I don’t know.
I think I just made myself sad.

Laters…
Sister