You need a minute to breathe and to sew up the seams... after all this defeat. in In My World

I woke up about 20 minutes ago, barely conscious and confused, I checked my phone. 1:17. Well fuck I was supposed to be at my bosses house hours ago. Guess I’ll go tomorrow.

I had a dream about Laeth. A really vivid dream. We were at a party/dinner and he was trying hard to talk to me and when I finally did he said “I’m not the guy you knew then. Everything is different now.” He was mad at me and trying to leave And I followed him out because I said something about how I could end all this crap with one quick talk. I think I was trying to keep him from doing something or going somewhere. When I went back in to the party dinner thing I had all the fear and anxiety of real life and I was trying to stay away from him. I started talking to someone else and the term forced abortion was said. I guess that was enough to wake me up.

He had long hair, longer than mine. Blonde, like he never died it. Jeans and that jacket I used to love.

The worst part about this shit is that this is the first dream I’ve had since the night I had the fucked up dream about Ali. And its fucked me up.

I want to hate him and cast him aside as some horrible person who did horrible things to me but the truth is....

.... I miss him. I’ve missed him for years. Some fucked up part of my brain always figured we would be friends again after everything settled down. After I stood my ground and told him what he did to me. Too bad I’ll never get that chance. That closure. I tell others about my story with him because they validate the hurt I felt and the healing I still need to do.

Nothing in this world makes me feel more broken than missing him.

I fuckin cried when I woke up. Not because i woke up pissed and needed to be somewhere.... but because I remember what it feels like to be around him when things are good.

Why can’t I just write him off as another douche bag loser? Why am I still so stuck on this? Why? I almost wish it would all just go away.

I hate sleeping alone. I have always had lots of nightmares or worse, vivid dreams like this that make me feel shit that’s too big to handle on my own.

I always wake up feeling broken and small.

This is one of those “I’m having a rough night can I sleep with you?” Moments and I get them way too often. Maybe it’ll get better when I have people around who know how to help.

I’m sick of these not nightmare bad dreams. Like the one about Ali. Nightmares dont fuck me up in the morning like this shit. I’m struggling.

Goodnight.