Something to Believe In in General

When I saw you for the first time
Eyes the color of the ocean
Something moved inside of me
Long forgotten lying broken
Now I can’t turn away

Funny how so many bookmarks in my life are what I was listening to when I was running. Trying to get ready for AOCS while on det in Oregon I ran a 5 mile circuit around the base listening to Chris De Burgh’s “Into the Light.” If I wasn’t rounding the last corner in front to the visiting airmen’s quarters before “Last Night” came on I was running too slow.

Right after I moved to Perdido Key while in flight school, I would run the beach. The now me sends apologies to the then me because you were just a stupid kid who didn’t know what running would eventually do to you.

“Something to Believe In” would come on about the time I got back to our condo. Sugar Sands. Surely that place has been destroyed by one of the Hurricanes. About three miles up the road from the Flori-Bama.

I’d had a weekend affair while in AOCS. I don’t know if you can even call it an affair. I was separated from X1. I spent two days and a night with a girl. We had sex on the beach. Lana was every bit as broken as I was. I guess it is enough we took comfort from each other for that one brief night in 1989. “The first time that I saw you, eyes the color of the ocean…”

That will always be her.

I’ve always been spot on in my professional life. But I don’t have a clue when it comes to my personal life.

And thus…

There is no good way to approach this. So I must be blunt.

There is a girl who works as staff at Mireya’s home. Lets call her Laura, because that is her name.

Age indeterminate. Mid thirties to mid forties.

She has some history.

My problem is, she seems to be flirting with me.

Seems I would know better than to fall into that trap again. But she is pretty. And sweet. And she cares for my daughter.

The last four times I went to pick up Mireya for family events, Laura was on staff. From the minute I walk through the door she is more interested in me than anything else.

I can’t get a read on her. She has this incredible innate sweetness. I don’t know if she is actually flirting, or is just really friendly.

I dropped the bean off the afternoon of the 4th. Laura was there.

This fucking pull that comes out of nowhere. I ducked and dodged and ran away, declaring I needed a nap. Because I was afraid of what could be happening.

You know. Women have a “friendly” smile and a “flirting” smile. This was a flirting smile.

I never paid attention. Tammy had blue eyes. Lana had blue eyes. X1 had Brown eyes. X2 had green eyes. Audrey had blue eyes. Laura has those calm ocean green eyes.

There is so many things wrong with even considering the possibility.

But I am not dead yet.

Friends are saying “Ask her out to lunch and see what happens.”

Somehow I am much more terrified at the prospect than I ever was while being shot at.

Now I see this gift you bring me
Can you hear winds of change
Maybe this loser’s luck is turning
I will carry you in my heart
I will hold you in my memory
You could be a million miles away
But when I call
You will hear me