Hard in Elm

Fuck why does life have to be so fucking hard?
I don’t have anyone I can really trust around me That can help me .
I feel stupid because I feel like I have to so all the work in these relationships.
And I have less than they do.
Than they fuck me over
And I PAY for it all.
I feel stupid.
And alone.
I just wish I don’t know
That I felt stronger.
I feel like everyone around me
Has a life but me
That I’m not a priority
And I have to fend for myself
But that’s impossible to do
But I’m being forced to do it
Why is life so hard for me
I have no idea really
What I’m doing
A part if me doesn’t even care anyone
A part of me thinks dying would just be a sweet relief
But why does it have to come to that?
There are things and animals I love in this world
I do love myself a lot of the time
It just doesn’t feel fair to me
I am not stupid I can see negative people and energies at work
That there are people who are cruel and mean to me for no reason
I wish they would stop though
I don’t like a lot of people
Because they treat me very very badly
And they get away with it.
So I have to accept it to live somewhat
I wish I was stronger and more capable
Right now I just feel lost and drained
And confused and scared
Isolated
I don’t know what to do
Who to trust
I am anxious about everything
And hard on myself that I am not thinner my place isn’t cleaner
That I am not more confident
That I don’t have more energy or thicker skin or resilience
I am who I am
I have to accept it
But I can’t and I won’t
Because I feel this pressure to succeed to survive
I’m scared I will not survive whether I want to or not some times
I guess that’s why I get suicidal
Because life seems like a game
That you need to play
And sometimes I’m just so over it all
I don’t feel valued in this world I don’t want to be valued in this world really
I mean if I was to be valued of course it would make me feel good…but it wouldn’t because I would realize that I sold out and I’m not me and that I am kissing ass to be valued
I would be a fake person
Attracting fake people
That’s why I don’t like this world
It’s all fake cruel dark and evil
I feel crazy for even saying that
Because others try or say it’s not that way.
But I mean. I am 30 years old
Almost all the men around me are bad bad people.
What kind d of luck is that.?
Is it because I am smarter or wiser or more perceptive.
Or is it because I have “bad luck”…
I just can’t get my head around just having bad luck.
That I’m just so unlucky
And other people have never been victimized
I just have a feeling and maybe it’s wrong that these people are in denial of what happened to them and are maybe more privileged not to experience the worst of the worst that can happen to a woman who will not comform who does what she wants but it poor physically weaker and drinks and has d.i.d which puts her at a disadvantage.
I really don’t know anymore.

Last updated March 15, 2019