Long Beach City in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

So, tonight was pretty great.
I really wasn’t expecting it to be.
I took some of my Propanolol before it even began because I was stressing.
You know…that real stress.
That anxiety attack shit.

I had no idea what to wear…I went to work today for a couple of hours, I got some advice on what to do tonight, but everyone gave me different advice and it was all confusing.

Anyway…I came home from work and I took a little nap, because naps are great and I had to wake up early, and I hate waking up early.

Then, I woke up and I got ready…for a long time.

I did a deep clean, scrubbed and scratched, resurfaced.
I ironed a few things…I didn’t know what to wear…so I ironed a few things.

I ended up going way more casual than I was expecting to.
She was more casual than I was expecting…it worked out, I got way too worked up.

Anyway…I got to the bar early and nursed a beer while I waited.
She showed up and she was beautiful.
Instantly, the conversation came easy…that was nice.

We talked about aliens and psychedelics and spirituality.
We sampled a few kinds of whiskey.

Happy hour at the bar ended and we decided to go get some food. I know Downtown Long Beach pretty well, so I took her to a cool place…we had some kombucha and some snacks…more good conversation, lots of laughs…lots of smiles…she said I was easy to talk to.

We finished up and she wanted to get some coffee, so I took her a few blocks down the street to a late night cafe I knew about…the lighting is terrible and she pointed that out.
I already knew the lighting was terrible…she made some joke about how it was aging her by the minute…but I didn’t think she looked anything but beautiful.

She threw some Spanish out at one of the guys behind the counter, and then he turned to me and asked me a question in Spanish…and I responded in Spanish, and she was impressed…and I was turned on.

We walked back to the parking lot, she said earlier that it was sweet that I suggested a good place to park, because that city is notorious for parking problems, but she took a Lyft.

We waited in my car for the Lyft to come…she said it was nice to have someone to show her around the city.

I walked her to the Lyft, because the street we were on isn’t necessarily dangerous, but it’s not safe for a beautiful woman to be walking alone by herself at midnight.

We hugged…I asked her if she wanted to hang out again, and she said “yes, she’d send me her schedule”…and then I got in my car and immediately called my mom, because calling my mom is what I do when I have no idea what’s going on.

I drove the freeways and spent the next 40 minutes talking to my mom about the date, and life, and loss, and everything inbetween while an ambien melted under her tongue.

Eventually, the ambien began to take hold, and I was back in the vine…and it was time to hang up, so I told my mom I love her and I walked into my house and went back into my room, and I put on some Cardi B and I started writing this whole thing out.

And now…now…now…now....now............now.................................what?
Now what?

I guess I just take it in that I had a good time tonight, and I expect that I’ll probably never see her again…that’s how it goes in the circles we run in, doesn’t it?

Even if I never see her again, that was pretty fun.
It gave me a little bit of hope.

I don’t date very often, so that was nice.

I love Long Beach.

Anyway…I feel like maybe this entry was boring.
For some reason I feel like writing about good things is boring.
Like…what if you watched a movie and the entire time everyone was just happy and nothing bad happened and no one had any conflict and it was just birthdays and graduations and surprise parties?

No one wants to see that.
Tell me you hate yourself.
Tell me life is pain.
Tell me you’re unsure about yourself.
Tell me you’re going to be alone forever.
Tell me your date sucked.

That’s what we want…we want to hear why she was terrible…not that her beautiful dark eyes lit up the room, or her smile was magnetic…we don’t want to hear about how she said “I have crazy lady hair” but in reality you loved her hair.

No one wants to know about that shit.
In fact, fuck you, Dane.

We want to see you suffer.
We want you to suffer like we do.

(Am I projecting now?)

I can never tell.

Maybe Cardi B is getting to me.

Anyway…

…thanks for listening.
I had a great night tonight.

I know you don’t actually want me to fail.
I wasn’t talking about YOU.
Just them.
I know you want what’s best for me.
That’s why I love you.
And I do.
love you.
So thanks.
Sleep well.
Tomorrow?
Yeah.
Ok.
- Dane