Why are you so dangerous? in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

It’s like my spell on you is worthless.

…

I just took my anti-anxiety meds for the first time.
I probably should have tried them without alcohol (I know, I’m an idiot, right? Come on…I already know what you’re going to say, calling me an idiot is getting old)
But I didn’t.
I was trying to save them for when I really needed them…turns out I really need them every god damn night.

My legs don’t hurt right now, and my tongue doesn’t hurt…and my arms don’t hurt…and my back doesn’t hurt.
And I’m strangely okay with everything.

I’ve never taken anxiety meds before…except recreationally, but even then they never did anything to me. I never got “fucked up” on them…and I always knew why, it’s because I’m in a constant state of panic.

I went and had a brain scan two years ago…the doctors were like, “See this? This is the panic center of your brain, and it’s on fire…all of your activity is happening in the fight or flight portion of your brain…here…take these all natural supplements that we think might help.”
They did not help.
Proprietary blends are almost always bullshit, aren’t they?

I’ve been in a constant state of panic and/or disassociation for the last 8 months…tonight is the first time where I’m like, “Okay, that’s fine, I’m going to die and when I die I’m going to experience some insane shit, and life will have proven itself to hardly matter, and I’m okay with that…kill me already…bring it on…or don’t, I don’t care, I’ll probably eat some pizza tomorrow and it will be dope…I give no fucks.”

I’ve been listening to some of my old music tonight.
It’s so weird…I hardly even feel like that person anymore.
I can hardly even believe that there was a time when I made music at all.
I listened to my voice, my words, my guitar.
Jesus, that seemed like a lifetime ago…it was.

Life is so fucking weird.

I wish I had someone to hold on to so I didn’t always feel like I was floating away.

But, then again, everytime I’ve had someone…I’ve still just been up there, floating.

Sometimes I wish I was human. I think life would be easier if I was.
I don’t know why I have to be down here in my human body…I mean…they’ve told me…they’ve shown me why…but I still don’t understand it.
Those were different life’s…different me’s.
I just hope that this is going to be my last one.

…and yet, I know it won’t be.

I miss my mom.

…I’m sorry.
Everytime I come here, it’s always pouring rain, isn’t it?
well…I love you.
I really do.
I don’t even care if you love me back.
It’s just nice to be able to talk to you.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks for listening.
I’ll see you soon, right?
right.
-Dane