I’m Ripping Into the Swan in Chapter 9 : Oil Above Water

So some of you have probably read long enough that you remember Alice. The girl from before I met Him. Well she got back in contact. Turns out she’s heartbroken and fucking her pain away having split up with her long term girlfriend. She’s not looking to fuck the pain away with me, but rather build some sort of friendship thing, which I’m cool with. Weird thing happened though - it’s been like she’s some sort of rewind button. Since she got back in contact I feel almost like I did before I went to AZ. I’ve kind of grabbed this feeling with both hands and I have no plans to let it go. I’m still feeling a bit all over the place but when I’m good, I’m really fucking good and when I’m bad, well I’ve got better at hiding it - I mean coping with it. Obviously.

Today I got my results back from college. I needed 3 B’s to progress. I got 3 A’s. I knew I woud be a sure thing for 2 A’s but I wasn’t sure if the overall scores for my work would work out to an A, but they did. I’m thrilled that I’ve done so well but there’s more to it. You see, Niamh and Rita spent most of this year so far trying to get me to see that I am good enough, that I am worthy and that I’m generally all round fucking fantastic. Looking back over the academic year and seeing the result has kind of kicked a switch that maybe they’re on to something. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am a good ‘un after all. Something else clicked as well. I told Ma and got the usual congratulations that you would expect from anyone. The dog peed on his little toilet pad and honestly she made a bigger deal of that than she did me getting 3 fucking A’s. This made me realise that there is literally nothing I’m ever going to be able to do that will make her proud of me, and whilst it stings like fuck, I think I’ve come to terms with it and accepted it. I don’t need her approval or pride, it would be nice but it’s not going to happen, so I’m just going to stop expecting the next thing to be THE thing that makes her proud of me. Instead I’m going to use her bullshit and utilise it to ensure that MY children know how much I love them and how proud I am of them.

I am no longer afraid of the storm because I am the storm.