If they only knew in Adventures of New baby and family

Yesterday I woke up to the news Anthony Bourdain died of suicide just like everybody else and it was and still is all over my fb page. Suicide prevention blah blah blah. I feel horrible too that he took his live and didn’t feel like living. But its not that easy. Its not even really depression to a certain degree. I can truthfully answer the questions on the depression survey and still have these thoughts that pop in my head that I hate myself and I want to die.

I have no intention of hurting myself or really wanting to die. I know its my fricken hormones being off and the closer I get to a certain time of month the more intense and frequent they become. I shake it off till they show up again when I have time to myself or whenever. Till the last few days before and the intensity rising all the time. It almost takes over and bam..... Female things happen and that feeling goes away totally. Like it was never there. This has been going on with me for years. I really don’t want to be put on antidepressants for something that happens 2 weeks out of the month but this horrible feeling, thoughts, are kind of scary. The more stress that I happen to have the more they come out. Outside to people I’m normal. maybe slightly more anxious than usual but even then nobody notices. Its all hidden in a place I don’t admit to anybody.....stigma, not wanting the meds. Knowing its temporary. What if something really set me off during that time. The straw that broke the camels back.... I know even knowing that it will go away and if hit at the right time… Who knows.

So I don’t know with older men if they have changes like us women or not seems like they might. Hormones aren’t great and we find our brains in a dark place. It hard to admit to anybody hey I got these feelings going on inside me and I don’t feel right .. without thinking OMG I going to be locked up as I’m having suicidal thoughts. I don’t like the meds. etc…
But at the same time knowing you need help and need to just take to a professional and say what is going on without that fear that you will find out you are going to visit the pysch ward and that fixing hormones or whatever is off isn’t a big deal.

With that being said I know I have to address it with my doctors as well.