So busy at the moment and as a result I'm jiggggered. It's the combination of real world stuff and the emotional fall-out of dealing with a break up. I have to focus on my work and it does help but as soon as I get bored I get lonely and as soon as I do that I think about her. It's most vexing. I'm usually very good at controlling my brain but when I'm tired it just seems to do it's own thing.
Seeing her makes it difficult also. Anything I say sounds like lies coming out of my mouth because I'm just spouting the same rubbish I do to anyone else. It's not like I'm good at talking about feelings at the best of times but now I can't do it at all. I don't think she'd mind if I did but it's counter-productive to try and be yourself around someone you feel for when you've already been rejected for being that. So we just say "hi" and smile awkwardly at each other. What good is that? If you can't turn round to someone and say "Actually I'm miserable and I miss you" then what's the point?
Don't get me wrong. I'm coping well enough. I'm good at coping; getting by is pretty much my default state, but I want to be able to move past this. I want to look at her and feel nothing but friendship because she's a good person and I want to be able to be her friend. I'm trying to take positive steps forward and I've gotten back on some dating sites but I'm feeling lack-luster about the whole thing. I was having fun. I was looking forward to going places with her, exploring and weekends away and all that. Now I'm back where I was 8 months ago but this time I remember what it's like to genuinely feel things again.
Ah well. Focus on the positive, I'm still awesome and hot as hell. At least I have that.
Other news. I'm definitely off to Cork in a couple of weeks. New training and all that. I do like travelling abroad. Exploration suits me. Perhaps I should pick up a new suit for the trip. I could buy that woollen coat I was going to get over christmas but the need for which was replaced by shoes. Sounds like fun.
Other positive stuff? Still haven't crashed the car yet. That's pretty good. Danny got his provisional today so he's going to be learning to drive next. The next thing is to work out how to get a deposit together on a house. 10k needed. Could REALLY do with winning the lottery. Still, think forward ol' boy. Maybe I could start the worlds most selfish kick-starter? Like begging in the digital age.
Perhaps the government could spare me some cash? No, wait. Got that flood stuff to deal with down south. 30 million additional in support. I haven't been down so I don't know how bad it is but I'm guessing for that much money it must be pretty bad. The banks and insurance companies aren't going to be happy either. Not like they're on a sound financial footing at the mo' and here's a lot of people making their claims. Not good.
So, yeah, in conclusion it could be worse. I still have a roof over my head and I get by, day by day. If I could just shake the ennui I'd be back to my mad old self. That'd be nice; I like my mad old self.
Ramble.
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