Nothing exceptional in Hello

Nothing exceptional is happening in my life other than my relationship deteriorating with every passing day. It's not like we fight we just don't communicate and he is happy with the silence that has become worse with time and over the past year and a half I've learnt to accept silence too and gotten comfortable with it. No longer do I feel like talking about an issue or a hurt, afterall all whats the point it will fall on deaf ears. He is too closed minded to understand my POV and the problems don't finish at having a closed mind, that is just one of the issues. I am amazed at how well he hid this negative side of himself when we were dating but personally I think he didn't know it himself that he had this dark side to his personality. So anyways being in this relationship feels like catering to a sick person waiting for the right time to pull the plug but afraid to do so coz I've sort of gotten into the habit of living with the sick and my whole life revolves around it to the extent that I'll be lost in the unknown without it. These days I cry myself to sleep on most days but we still hug n sleep. Thats the only time affection of any form is exhibited in any way. And it's mostly me who pulls him towards me to hug me, he makes a half hearted effort sometimes but needs me to jump on with twice the enthusiasm and pamper him for him to continue the effort.

However in my mind I am getting stronger by the day to face the death of this relationship one day and yet a small part of me tells me to be hopeful that things might change. I think it is the optimist in me who says things will change but statistically this relationship has only gotten worse with time so I think that is wishful thinking on my part. Again I need to clarify that he isn't a bad man but we belong to different worlds and neither can we decide nor can we communicate how to shorten this gap between the worlds. It's not new for me though, I've been here a million times, loving someone who doesn't love me just as much. Infact if you saw us talking and communicating you'd think we are just a normal couple but we are just bottling it all up inside.

Difficult times like this coupled with work issues make me feel worthless. I want to just take up inactivity and do nothing at all. But thats not possible so I fake a smile and I fake confidence and move on from one day to another hoping that this day will be better, making plans of how I will behave differently today to get a better reaction but failing miserably at it because I just can't get myself to do the things I plan, it is too difficult to communicate with someone who doesn't show the same form of respect.