I suppose it's redundant now. in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I just discovered that after typing a Title, you can hit enter to begin writing your entry. I always used TAB but accidentally hit enter and… huh. Cool.

Oh… I did do my weekly weigh in this week. 220.8. I started at 230. It has been 9 weeks. That is about 1 pound a week. I mention it here because, of course, I’m looking for praise and encouragement, lol. Wife… I suppose she tried? Her response was, “You’ve been doing this for two months? Well… not really. I mean, you’re not consistent and seem to work out when you want to. But I suppose they say 1 pound a week is good.” Thanks? I mean… I know I’m doing this for me but… considering how often in our marriage she has made my weight an issue, I guess I just thought 9 straight weeks of losing weight might have garnered a different reaction.

This evening turned out to be a perfect reflection of all the parts of my marriage.

After the 90 minute rage-demonstration, she worked out while watching “The Grand Tour.” She then got in the shower and I finished cooking dinner. She got out of the shower, plated the food and brought it out. I said “Thank you” and received no “your welcome” in kind… or acknowledgment. She watched the Grand Tour and we ate. When we were done with our food, I put the plates at the sink and she continued to watch The Grand Tour. When I sat back down, I sat closer to her. I put my arm around her, she looked at me sideways in a clear non-verbal “What?” I just wanted to sit on the couch watching TV with my wife in a way that perhaps a casual observer could perhaps be lead to believe we were more than just room mates. Y’know… friends… or partners… dating… or married. Two people that share more than an apartment. Nope. Any attempt at contact… hand on the leg, arm around the shoulder, anything… greeted with the “What? What is this that you’re trying to do?” expression.

She’d get up go into the kitchen, swear about something… obviously, I’d ask what she was swearing about. “I spilled something” or “This counter top is still dirty”. I’d go back to playing on my computer. I’d hear her swear again or say “Ow! Dammit.” I’d ask what happened. She’d treat me like I was being an annoying jerk. Gosh… we’ve been together for 13 years. We’ve been married for 7 and we’ve lived together almost the whole marriage… if you don’t realize by now that you, unseen, swearing and/or exclaiming pain is going to get a reaction… then where the fuck have you been mentally for the last decade?! But nope… apparently annoyed her all evening by showing interest in the things that she was saying and doing. Of course (duh) she doesn’t understand that as she is incapable of expressing the same.

So then the time comes to go to bed. And it is the emotionally coldest and loneliest place in the house/part of the night. I try to kiss her goodnight (at the very least a kiss on the cheek or forehead or something) and nothing. She doesn’t return any sign of outward affection, she doesn’t say good night, she doesn’t… she doesn’t say anything. Except to complain about her hips hurting. And then she rolls over and goes to sleep.

No wonder I’ve been having such difficulty getting to sleep. The bed should be a place of warmth, comfort, sometimes a little fun....

I definitely need to find a marriage counselor and demand that Wife and I go. Because seriously do you know what I want right now? Like… what I most want? I want to have a lunch date set up for tomorrow. With a woman, any woman, that I find attractive and interesting. I just want to have a lunch that involves conversation, genuine friendship, and maybe acknowledges me as an individual that may or may not have value.