Cracks in over whelmed...?

Hi.
I have group therapy later today and I have some pretty heavy shit going on in my life. I plan on not talking about it in group but I will come here to see if I can make some sense of some of this. I am not sure what the problem is exactly because it is actually three things sort of enmeshed together so much so that I can no longer tell them apart. In no particular order of importance (read:they seem to all be of monumental importance) they are, my relationship, my sobriety and my unbelievable and over whelming desire to be a mother (also what the fuck is reality and can you trust your own thoughts and desires but that is a conversation for another day.)

I wrote it down once, a long time ago. It was my super secret whispery maybe but probably not because how could that even be possible desire. I claimed to have hated children my entire adult life but the thing is that that was complete and utter bullshit. I love children. I think they are fucking magic. I dated men with children because I wanted them but I really wanted their children. I refused to admit that this is what I wanted because I was a complete fucking mess and my own relationship with my parents was so fucked up that I just didn’t think I was capable of responsibly parenting anyone or anything so basically I couldn’t have it so I didn’t want it anyway.

I have been sober for 1 year and 5 months now. The problem with being sober is that you have to think your thoughts. You have o think them and you have to follow through on a thread. You can’t just put shit on hold or pretend it isn’t true or distract yourself effectively enough with “friends and adventures” (they weren’t friends or adventures, they were a dive bar where I did the same thing everyday with the same people doing the same thing everyday which was actually just killing time waiting to die.) I mean I guess I could but the second problem with being sober is that you have to feel your feelings. All of them. There are so many of them.

I have two feelings that keep coming up over and over and over to the point that I am bored of hearing myself talk about them. I am also worried that everyone in my various peer meetings and therapy sessions is also tired of me talking about them. Mostly I am tired of feeling them because I I don’t know what to do with them, and I don’t know if they are real because I sometimes believe that nothing is real but again I am getting off track. I feel the need to be a mother in a very raw and primal and urgent way. It is all consuming. It isn’t new. It has been there for a decade but I have had an incredible box of bandaids. I am totally out, out of distractions, out of excuses, out of justifications, out of hiding places and out of steam. It is the truth, or at least my truth and I have never been more certain of anything else. I know that not facing this will be my biggest regret in life in the same way that I knew and know the other decisions that I regret are. There are other things I have convinced myself that I didn’t really want knowing full well that I was lying and I regret them deeply and I know what the precipice of that self delusion feels like and I am feeling it, consistently and loudly.

The other part of this nagging feeling, that keeps coming up over and over is the feeling that there is something deeply amiss with my relationship with my husband. This one is the one I don’t fully trust. I have a long history of having incredibly poor judgement when it comes to men. I tend to gravitate towards the secretive and absent and unavailable. So basically my father. I love my husband very much. Everybody else also loves my husband. He is handsome and successful and good at fucking everything and hardworking and he loves me, like really loves me but there are several key problems in our relationship. I can not seem to verbalize what they are but the symptoms are as follows:

1. I feel so lonely when we are together on a more and more frequent basis. Once a year we tend to go away for 2 weeks where it is just the two of us. I spend at least the last 4 days of the trip sobbing uncontrollably, frequently in public. I had a better grip on this when I was drinking. I have no control over it now.
2. We do not have sex.
3. We never complete a real conversation unless we are in our therapists office. I take that back, we do sometimes when I initiate it, but we never complete it because Chet always makes it my fault (if I approach it sensibly and calmly he usually treats it like I have surprised him and he needs time to think about it which usually means that I agree and he should think it through and then we either never talk about it again or I become so agitated that I am angry by the time we bring it up again and then he shuts down because he feels defensive and it is my fault because I am being hysterical which I am not because I am actually just angry and he negotiates deals for a living and has formal training for it and he coerces me into a fucking corner until I feel crazy and then I do this and in a few days I will get distracted by some project or we are going away with friends for the weekend and I will play nice to make sure everybody is happy and comfortable and then we will lather, rinse and repeat.

Most recently Chet told me that he doesn’t feel we are strong enough to have a child based on the fight we were having about constantly putting the having a child conversation on hold. Oh also he will not be ready to have this conversation until he finds meaning in his life (crying, laughing, shooting myself in the head emojis.)