Necessary Addition in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

The following comes as an “Oh, you should know this just happened” message sent to my therapist:

Hey… a second one to throw at you because living with my Wife is always so healthy and life affirming. If I had to title this, it would be “This is why my marriage is failing.”

Wife asked me to not let her watch TV and not let her play on her phone when she got home from work today. She got home before 3 and I had already had the TV turned off and asked her for the phone. She was… out of it. Like seriously mentally distracted. She’d had lunch at noon but immediately ate a sandwich and a bag of popcorn and mentioned how she is panicking and experience massive anxiety. About something fun. See, on her request, I bought her a ticket to get a photograph with one of her favorite celebrities. Giddy nervous, I can understand. That is not what Wife was experiencing. She was in a misery spiral. Obsessing, full anxiety, making herself more and more miserable. She spent 3 hours surfing the computer looking for the perfect thing to say, looking for the perfect pose to strike, looking for the perfect Cos Play she could do. As the evening got later, I asked if she’d done the things that she wanted to do. She had not. And answered me in that snappy, “Stop trying to make me responsible, I’m doing something” tone I’ve grown so familiar with. After another 30 minutes goes by, I ask her about food… if she wanted any what she was thinking about dinner. She told me to go to the store, she was busy. FINE. As I’m leaving, she mentions she might have found the perfect CosPlay. No “good bye” or “drive safe” or indication that I was leaving at all. I go to the store, I resupply our house with food for the next week. I return carrying 40 pounds of groceries. As I struggle to open the door and struggle my way in, arms loaded to the brim, I see Wife still at the computer but now she looks even more miserable than before. Nature of a spiral. The longer it continues the more miserable the person is. She turns to see me, recognizes that I have my arms full, and just sits in her chair telling me “I’m so sad. I’m so sad.” As I begin to put the groceries away, she walks over… not helping with the groceries but coming over to bury her face in her hands dejected and sorrowful. I’m working the kitchen, trying to get food ready and put groceries away when I ask what has gotten her so down.

The costume she wanted to make for the Photo Op can’t be completed in time. AND she’s so sad and miserable about the whole thing. Frankly… I should have handled it better. But I just said, “Stop it. You’re making yourself miserable over something that is supposed to be fun. Stop it.”

She… responds with anger. She yells at me, “Really? The stuff you’re working on with your therapist. How about you just stop all of that. How about you just stop all of your shit that you need to work on. Just do it.”

Again, I might have handled things poorly. I tell her frankly, “I’m sick of your shit. Y’know what I’m trying to work on in therapy? Boundaries and healthy relationships!! Like not letting all of your shit constantly bring me down.”

At this point… the wife screamed, “Fine. I’ll wear something from the closet and feel like shit and hate the entire experience! Thanks for the support.”

I responded, “Hey. You are the one that has spent the entire evening working yourself up, making yourself miserable about an expensive experience that was supposed to be FUN.”

She storms off and I hear… a bunch of stuff being thrown. Bathroom stuff, laundry stuff, sewing stuff. She’s expressing her rage physically as she so often does. Having a tantrum. Per usual. She hasn’t said three words to me in the hour since the yelling. Just walking around the house, angrily moving things and stewing; periodically throwing something at me if it is in her way and she knows it is mine.

Though… after cooking dinner… she was more willing to speak to me. To tell me what parts of dinner she didn’t like. Ugh.

So… that’s my Friday night!