So This Is Why in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Wife got home from work early. I was in the middle of an e-mail to my Therapist (will talk about that later). As per agreement, I took her phone and had the television off. She made herself a sandwich, ate a bag of popcorn and sat on the couch staring off into space. So… I DON’T CARE AND I’M NOT JUDGING BUT… the woman who is constantly down on herself for being fat… ate lunch at noon, comes home at 3, eats a sandwich and a bag of popcorn? Again… I don’t care but since she cares so much… it’s just… why in the living fuck do I have to be a parent to this woman? I’m sure she would have preferred me intervening, asking if she really needed that food, and telling her to take a more proactive step in her weight conscious journey. But… uhm… have I mentioned it is exhausting and frustrating to constantly offer support with none in return?
The things I’ve heard since starting my weight loss (diet and exercise program)
(1) Belly! (shouted with glee as she poked my stomach)
(2) I do notice a change in your boob fat. They look weird now.
(3) Did you go to the gym today? Why not?!
(4) EW. EW EW EW EW EW EW EW. You’re sweaty! That is so disgusting!

That has been the encouragement I’ve gotten on my weight loss journey. I’ve already done a parental “No TV or Cell Phone” thing today… I’m not also going to be the Dietary Coach. A part of me is EVEN NOW whispering, “If you were a supportive husband, you would have helped more and asked if she really needed the food.”

She’s just sitting on the couch thinking and so I ask what is occupying her brain. “Obsessive anxiety.” At least she’s honest. At my encouragement and her insistence we dropped a lot of cash this week for tickets to our local Comic Convention. David Tennant (wife’s favorite Doctor) was a surprise last minute announcement to the Con Roster. So we bought two tickets to Sunday (June 3) and invested in the (rather expensive) photo op for wife. However… I should have realized… this is something she is excited for, really wants, and so she is already ruining it for herself. Literally obsessing with every thought on what she is going to say, what pose she is going to request, what outfit she is going to wear. To the point where her brain isn’t functioning on any cylinders. It is literally the only thing she is thinking about. The No TV and No Cell Phone so she can get some things in the house done? She’s spent all of it (and more) obsessively reviewing Celebrity Photo Ops. My advice to her? You walk up to him, you shake his hand, you say “It is a real pleasure to meet you. I really enjoy your work, thank you very much.” Then you settle into whatever pose comes naturally. She looked at me as though I were insane and speaking a foreign language. I shrugged and said, “Sorry. That’s just literally the advice given to actors about to go on set with Big Talent.” She had the gall to say) “When would you have ever heard that advice?” I was… mad. I’ll admit it. I know I haven’t done any acting in years… I know that she never saw me perform… but she is the first person to say “Actor” when I’m doing something she thinks is over the top or annoying. So now when I try to help her with an issue she’s having that is consuming her thoughts.... she wants to slam me as “not really being an actor?” Bitch, fuck off. Acting was some of the best (if draining) work I’ve ever done and while I may never have made it big, I was doing stage and film work for 15 years.

I go back to my letter to my therapist instead! If she is going to waste her evening obsessing over this… fine. I’m not well pleased that I’ll have to hear her bitch tonight (as every night) “I just didn’t get enough done tonight. I wanted to do stuff when I got home, but that didn’t happen. Then the TV was still on at 10, so I didn’t get anything done before bed like I wanted to either.” I’m… sick of hearing that. I know this was asking too much but… as we go to bed at the same time, even if I can’t get any sleep… I tried to start a nice, sweet tradition. Right before we lay down to sleep, I kiss her cheek (as the lips aren’t often for offer) and say, “I love you. Sleep fast.” To which… she doesn’t respond. No return kiss. No return I Love You. No return Good Night. Nothing. Pull. My. Hair. Out. Again… I wonder why I’m not in a “divorce mood.” I’m wondering if it isn’t the job situation. I’m down right now, too. Maybe when I feel like less of a loser I’ll respond better to ideas about wanting to find someone who can lift me up instead of drag me down. But I’ll admit… I’m honestly not sure if that individual even exists. Not because I don’t think I deserve it but because… hell… I don’t exactly have a brilliant track record with people lifting me up.

Sorry, I was going to say something else but… sitting here (all evening) watching Wife hyper focus and spiral down deeper into misery over something expensive that was supposed to be fun is just… it is a perfect metaphor for our marriage. Get married, then she hyper focuses on everything and ruins all the good things surrounding her, and continues to spiral into further and further misery as she loses more and more of herself to her hyper-focusing-misery-causing-life-altering bullshit.

ANYWAY… I was talking about going back to respond to my Therapist.

As we are discussing that I’ve become entirely emotionally drained and therefore have resorted to strictly my intellect (which isn’t a great way of going through life if I’m being entirely honest), my Therapist was asking if there were any role models (fictional or factual) that I had… people that I’d want to be like. Michael J. Fox and his fictional character Mike Flaherty from Spin City instantly come to mind. As I was reviewing the Character Profile for Mike to describe it best to my therapist, I found myself on a Quotes from the Show page that made me laugh and laugh. I wanted to share a laugh with Wife (if for no other reason than to try to shake her from her bullshit for a minute). She’s seen the show, she knows the characters, but the characters’ appearances matter for this joke so here is picture time:
James
Carter

James: Each year my mom makes a candy Nativity scene.
[Carter walks by]
James: Chocolate Jesus.
Carter: James, at work, just call me Carter.

Now… perhaps it isn’t the best joke in the entire world but the meaning of the joke… what is being said… is obvious. Or so I would have thought. I had to explain it to Wife. Painfully. Slowly. In detail. As one would have to explain a word joke to a non-English speaker. Honestly! THIS. THIS is what I’m talking about. She gets so inside her own head, so inwardly focused, that she can’t even grasp concepts that aren’t about what she is thinking/feeling/going through. In short… a mind reader would be her best partner because a mind reader would know what she’s thinking enough to actually have conversations with her. Guh. Draining. Draining.

Here’s what the response to the therapist looked like:

The topic of Role Models is an interesting one and shines a light on some interesting things. Growing up… I wanted nothing more to be like two fictional characters. (1) Zack Morris; (2) Marty McFly. Those two guys were THE GUY I wanted to be. At least until I was about 12 or 13. And I think that says a lot about me in some strange ways. In High School and College, I’d narrowed it to ONE fictional character: Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. And that was a lot of me in High School and College. Angel was the “sacrifice everything for others, especially the people you care about” influence. As far as fictional people role models.

But if I had to say the people I’d like to be like now? There’s a short list of about 3 fictional characters and 2 real persons (though one of the real people is also one of the fictional characters.)

(1) Captain Jean Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise (Star Trek: The Next Generation).
Captain Picard is the preeminent example of leadership. He is a smart man who also knows when to listen to subordinates. He is friendly with his crew, supportive, but never dissolves the chain of command. He can be compassionate, wise, and an excellent mentor. He relies on his words instead of violence and isn’t afraid to express his anger when it is warranted but often tempers that anger with wisdom. One of the best examples of Picard’s awesome nature is Season 5 Episode 19 “The First Duty”. A cadet he cares about is participating in what seems like a cover up about another cadet’s death. The young cadet’s answers to the Board of Inquiry were truthful but incomplete. Picard is angry with the cadet but his anger is tempered with wise instruction when he exclaims, “The first duty of every Starfleet officer is to the truth, whether it is scientific truth or historical truth or personal truth. It is the guiding principle on which Starfleet is based! If you can’t find it within yourself to stand up and tell the truth; you don’t deserve to wear that uniform.” The conviction and passion Captain Picard shows is admirable.

(2) Captain Ben Sisko of Deep Space Nine (Star Trek Deep Space 9)
Ben Sisko is worlds different from Picard. Where Picard has conviction and tempers his emotions; Ben feels things deeply and then has to work through his feelings to try to make the best, wisest decision. Instead of being a “shinning beacon” of near-perfection in command and conviction… Ben struggles with his role as father, his role as a Religious Leader, his role as a Friend, his role as a Starfleet Officer. He makes tough decisions, and not always the right one, and he feels it but he continues. The only even debilitating emotional issue he faced was the death of his wife. I just… I respect Sisko as a man that had doubts, had passions, thought about the consequences of his actions, but made the decisions he had to.

(3) Mike Flaherty (played by Michael J. Fox in the TV show Spin City.)
Mike was a young guy that was passionate about his job, cared about his co-workers, was well-liked, respected… but flawed and not nearly as awesome as he thought he was. He was kind of a lady’s man (which I can’t say I don’t like) but more… he cared about people, did a high profile high stress job very well, and was extremely good at managing Crisis. In fact, his job description basically amounted to “Manage, diminish, or erase political crises”.

(4) Michael J. Fox, the real guy.
He’s a role model but in a way I’ll never been able to grasp. That man is kind, patient, caring, optimistic, and giving… no matter what life throws at him. He’s a short guy in Hollywood… but he made it. He got diagnosed with Parkinson’s and then still wrote a book and helped make a movie about Happiness. The guy is an eternal optimist who deeply and genuinely care about other people.

(5) Jet Li, the real guy.
As impressive as Jet Li’s physical abilities are (and they are), the real Jet Li (Li Lian-jie) is very different. Li is a quiet man, he calls himself shy, and he is very thoughtful and spiritual. Incredibly dedicated to his religion, his martial arts, and his family… he is a man that has finely tuned his body and mind through self-discipline and training. While his physical abilities and star-power mean he could have done whatever he wanted… he remained a soft-spoken man dedicated to his faith and family.

These five would probably be the best versions. And they are kind of all over the board. A good leader, a compassionate, caring person, a man that can experience the full range of his emotions and still make tough decisions… all sorts of different qualities.

As to Jones and further Job stuff? It’s funny. Whether we’re discussing acting or dating or jobs or asking my wife for sex or asking my wife to say I love you.... I handle rejection really well (for a while). I’m great at rationalizing the rejection. At first. But the more rejection piles on… the more my emotions jump up to say, “It isn’t what you thought. It is personal. It is you. Something is wrong with you.” and then I get depressed. Pretty usual pattern. It’s like my swimming lately. I may be good for a quick fifty yards or maybe even a hundred… but the more I expect out of myself, the harder it is. It’s the “endurance” that I lack. The ability to swim (or cope) as things stretch beyond the short term or the smaller number. As to the further application responses? I’m… feeling a little nervous but more like a background buzzing. Like the sound of a neon light being turned on in another apartment… just barely hearing it but knowing what it is. I’ve sent the applications out and there’s nothing more I can do to convince these places to give me an interview. If I get the interview… that doesn’t make me nervous. Actor, Salesman, Litigator… I do my best work when speaking face to face. After the interview is usually when I get the most nervous. Because that’s when it feels like all of life is in the balance and there is nothing I can do to affect the outcome. That long pause where the question remains, “Will I get the job and have to move and start a new life? Will I not get the job and receive another rejection and have to worry about my ability to provide… or worse… worry about my ability to even GET another job?” That’s when things get tough. The time after the interview. And honestly… if I’m still getting multiple rejections come August or September… yeah, some depression will definitely be a concern.

Thanks for reading all. Have a good weekend!

SEXY TRIBUTE TO MIKE FLAHERTY:

BEST OF JET LI FIGHT SCENES

AND BECAUSE SEXY THINGS THAT ARE FUNNY ARE ALWAYS GOOD: Enjoy this “The Sex Generation” video!