Waste Away With Me... in Chapter 9 : Oil Above Water

Ana and Mia continue to rise…I’m not complaining, they’re making me feel strong in some twisted sense.

I know it’s not healthy, but nor is the extra weight that I’m carrying, so why not let them run riot and use it to my advantadge. There’s something so satisfying in being able to beat the hunger and cravings. I know for every day like today that I’ll be rewarded on the scale. There’s nothing like seeing the numbers get smaller; lbs, inches, dress sizes…it makes me feel like I have some sort of control over something in my life. By September 1st I WILL be 56lbs lighter. Only then will I look to reign in Ana and Mia. I’m fully aware that the control I feel I have is only a façade. It’s not real but hey, fake it til you make it, right? Once I’m where I need to be, then I will swap the faux control for faux confidence. Maybe when I’m there I’ll find the self-esteem and self-worth that I’m lacking? Maybe.

Oh the irony of being aware of my spiralling freefall during Mental Health Awareness Week, but let’s cut the shit shall we? No-one gives a fuck, not really. Everyone wants the pat on the back for being so aware and putting something on their Facebook page but when it boils down to it and you actually speak up IRL, no-one gives a shit. You’re either ostracised, ignored or straight up labelled as attention seeking, then people wonder how it all of a sudden gets to being so bad that they’re “worried” about you. Reality check : They’re not that worried or they’d talk openly with you when you speak up rather than brushit to the side like some sort inconvenient filler. If your issues don’t gel woth their assumptions then you’re shit out of luck for a shoulder to lean on. It’s no great mystery as to why those who aren’t in great mental shape don’t look to lean on others for support; you go to lean and those motherfuckers are going to move, watch you fall and proceed to tell the world for their own entertainment. I’ve tested the waters of being open about MH issues these past couple of weeks and my suspicions were confirmed. Maybe it’s down to the people that surround me, maybe I just need a better quality of people around me, or maybe it’s just human nature. It’s sure as shit not Maybelline though that’s for damn sure.

Awareness Weeks do a whole lot for one week, but let’s be real for a second; what about the other 51?

Last updated May 22, 2018