Four years/not nearly enough in Random Thoughts

Looks like on this day, four years in a row i am posting an entry. 2018 has brought a lot of activity in my life, but not a lot of writing. In the past that meant i was not reflecting as much as i needed to keep myself feeling sane, but that’s not the case at this point.

I have words to say, but i am not sure if they will come out beyond just the telling of the thing.

Yesterday my sister called me to tell me that someone i love dearly was recently diagnosed with 2 months to live- cancer has spread to multiple major organs.

Boyd was like a father to me. But different. He was in our (siblings and i) lives from the time i was about 7th grade to 11th grade. When i was in the darkest place the summer after i graduated from HS, about to move on to college, him and his wife (at the time) let me live with them.

He bought me my first Jack Kerouac novel.

He introduced me and fostered my love of blue music.

He is a poet.

He introduced me to Harold and Maude.

Next weekend is memorial weekend, i will drive up seattle way and see him in Everett. I am also driving up there the weekend of June 15. School is out at that time, so i will be able to see him them.

That is, if he is still in corporeal form. Maybe i should drive up every weekend.

I am not one to dwell on what could have been or things i have no control over, but i can’t help but think of how much time i missed spending with him. Twice a year is not nearly enough.

My whole being is heavy with grief. It extends beyond the warmth of my skin and people who encounter me can feel it. I’ve never been good at containing my emotional aura.