As evening ends in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Sometimes I feel like such a fake. A sentence that has led many a journal entries on Prosebox and I don’t claim to be original or clever for having said it myself.

But I read entries when I can and… find I have less and less to say (notes).
I adore comments and want to thank people for sending notes and reading me… but I find that I don’t… and I honestly can’t say it is apathy but I don’t know what it is then. Because I do care about all the people I read… and I want to do something to say “Thanks, I appreciate your input greatly” stuff like that.

Wife was okay with my idea for dinner but suggested something else instead. Worked equally fine and still didn’t require either of us to cook. We ate our food and watched Lucifer Season Ender (series ender, grrr) and Agents of SHIELD 2nd to last episode for the year.

I was right that she did have a good day at her job. It was busy and that’s what she wants… time where her mind is entirely occupied by her work so she doesn’t have to be bored… and (largely) so she doesn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. I asked her about her day and she told me… and as she told me, I found myself getting irritated. And I can’t honestly pinpoint the specific reason I get irritated. I have theories, obviously. Someone monologue-ing has long since upset me as it feels like an “in communication” way of saying “This is me talking, I don’t want to hear what anyone else says.” But I think there are maybe two better reasons… two more direct reasons. First of which: It goes with everything else about her… either too much or nothing; never anywhere in the middle. She is either monologue-ing or quiet. Just like she is either “I have to play 3 hours of a cell phone game” or “not have this cell phone game on my phone.” Just like she is either “I’m super irritated and pissed off about everything” or she is “neutral.” There really isn’t a lot of “conversation” or “moderation” or “actively happy.” So that reason is the “general irritation concept”. But honestly I think the biggest thing is? It contributes to me feeling minimalized because there are no “give and take” elements. If I ask her about her day and she monologues… there is never a reciprocal “How was your day?” If she is doing the dishes and monologue-ing about why she feels that she needs to do the dishes (most of which I had already done)… there is never a reciprocal “Sorry, you didn’t need to know that. What are you thinking?” Just… she talks.

So… dealt with that. Then we made the bed and she washed all of the recycling with soap and water and announced “My mind feels better because this counter has less clutter.”

We were watching Sword Art Online… close to getting it finished. But as she was scampering around the apartment “Making things better so she could think better” I had it paused halfway through for a long while. It is one of her things. One of her “On/Off modes”. Either she’s sitting down and watching TV/playing her cell phone game… or she’s running around, talking constantly (even when nobody else is in the apartment), and trying to fix things that aren’t messy or broken but aren’t the way she wants them to be.

As for my interview tomorrow? I still don’t have a phone number for that phone interview. Still no e-mail telling me who to call. Not that big of a deal honestly… I mean, I don’t want to seem irresponsible and not have the interview but at the same time… it is a temporary job ending in November… so not exactly a career. Just… an in with politics if I want to do that someday. The big interview is Thursday. That is the one that I desperately want to have happen. Good area, good money, good job. Plus it creates an opportunity. I’m still not sure if Wife will see it as an opportunity or if she’ll just do something crazy but… here’s hoping.

The plan would be as follows: Our lease on the current place runs out in June 2019. Wife’s therapist is here. Wife’s job is here. And with our expenses and bills, without me working… we’re only losing about 300 to 400 dollars a month. Meaning Wife’s paycheck alone is enough to keep us both afloat but for our very healthy nest egg. Therefore… if I get a job that pays 2.5 times as much as Wife brings home from her current job, we should have no problem with her living/working here and me getting a small 1 bedroom apartment where my job is. Granted… that is a bit “backwards” some might say. If I’m “the big earner”, my place should be the 3 bedroom and Wife should get the 1 bedroom… but we have a lease on this place so why not keep it. Plus a little separation would do us both a lot of good. I could figure out what are MY issues versus what are OUR issues and maybe she could see that, too. Maybe we could really try to figure out if we’d be happier together or not. Maybe.