Your mind has gotten the best of you. in In My World

Buckle your seatbelts, motherfuckers, because this is about to be filled with all kinds of shit that’s been on my mind and bugging me today.

You know, it’s easy to forget what someone else is going through when they shoulder it all without talking about it much. On the flip side if they talk about it too much they’re seen as annoying or that they need to get over themselves. There’s no winning this dumb argument because someone will always just say that “it could be worse” as if the pain I’m feeling will just evaporate because someone else has a harder life than me. Experiences are all about perspective. Maybe the things I’m feeling are the worst version of whatever emotion it is. Knowing that someone else in the world has “worse” things going on does not change my very negative experience and it doesn’t make me feel any better. I can empathize and sympathize with other people’s struggles but why does it have to invalidate mine?

Why do I have to push aside everything I’m feeling–even when it’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt–just because someone else is going through something worse? Why aren’t my feelings valid, too?

That said I can do this on my own, I always do.

Someone told me the other day that I have this great support network and that I couldn’t possibly need them because of it just after I said I really needed them. They followed it up by saying that they wished they had someone that needed them. Why is this always the fucking paradox I find myself in?

I’m so fucking sick of this whole thing where when I get into a really bad place and I need help out I end up needing a specific person (who changes each time) for whatever fucking reason. I always end up having to figure it out on my own or get some half-assed-doesn’t-really-help help from someone else. It’s super emotionally taxing and I’m honestly sick of it. I don’t want to need you, I just know for whatever fucked up reason you’re the only one who can help me. Guess I’ll just figure this one out, too.

I wish he was here to look me in the eyes and tell me “Okay, that’s bullshit, tell me how you really feel.” He always knew when I was lying about being okay or not…even when I didn’t. He’d always show up when things were at their worst, needing me for something, and yet he’d always be the one to help me back out. After my car wreck, after Cole (Laeth), after the shit with Sara, after my sister’s whole suicidal war bath, after our own break-up, and everything in between. He’s the only one who consistently knew. He’s the only one that would call me on it. Now he’s one of the major reasons that I need help and I can’t talk to him. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more alone. Where’s that fucking support system now? I can’t talk to the people that knew him because I don’t want to be the one to bring them down. I don’t want to keep reminding everyone how fucking terrible it is to have lost someone so wonderful. I can’t talk to boyfriend about it because he’s still bitter in a way. I can’t talk to Lizzie about it because we just go right back to Steven. I can’t talk to Zach about it because he won’t give me the time of day. I’ve talked to Krista about it but she just can’t comfort me the way I need…and that just leaves my mom. Who is wonderful by the way but talking to her about it just isn’t the same as getting help from a friend.

I’m so tired, Ali. I feel weak and lost and so many kinds of alone that I don’t know how I’ve been in a good mood lately–don’t even know how I’m surviving this one. I’m trying so hard. I miss you a stupid amount and I know that if you were here to help me through this I wouldn’t have called you anyway. I would have waited for you to show up back in my life like you always did when I needed it the most. I would have told you everything, though. I know I can’t talk to you anymore but this is just so fucking hard without you.

When I say tired, I mean getting out of bed is a struggle and I’m out of energy and ready for bed after an hour. When I say tired I mean I haven’t slept in weeks with the exception of Friday which definitely wasn’t enough to help. When I say I’m tired I mean that I feel so fucking weak that physically moving is a struggle for me some days. When I say I’m weak I mean that I’ve been crying. This is bigger than just depression or anxiety. This is me trying my fucking hardest to stay afloat…again.

My friend and I have been talking all day every day for months now and I don’t even remember how we got started back on this path but I’m so afraid he’s going to go away again and I’m trying so hard not to let that anxiety consume me. He’s never going to think of me in the same light I think of him…He doesn’t even see me. I’ll never be special to him, maybe I should stop wanting to be.

I talked to Krista for a long whole tonight and I feel slightly better about all of this but not enough to actually help me. I’m just so tired. So done. So… Just… I need a break. Wonder if he’d ever take me up on that offer to run away.

Anyway Boyfriend is here and I have to go back to having everything be totally fine because I don’t want to spend the next two hours explining everyting that’s wrong. He already knows, he just doesn’t know I’m doing so badly right now. I should tell him but I’m going to spare him simply becasue I don’t want to deal with it. Does that make me a bad girlfriend?....probably… but he doesn’t emote so now is not the time for this.

If you read this, thank you. Goodnight.

P.S. Tengo miedo de perderte, mi cariño. Buenas Noches. Lo siento por no ser suficiente. Te quiere mucho. Voy a dejarlo ir. Lo siento.

I wonder if you wonder why I speak to you in spanish but then again I’m pretty sure you don’t read that far into it. Hmm.