Monday and Digital Withdraw in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Re-started: As could be relatively easily considered, Wife was very quiet on Sunday. Actually, that’s really good. The last time she got that drunk was a few months ago when MBFITWW was here. So… yeah, I’m thinking she drinks to deal with anxiety and it backfires/blows up miserably. Support for this: The last two times she got frighteningly and ruin my evening drunk were both during highly anticipated social evenings. Plus the fact that she needs at least three drinks in her before she feels okay kissing, cuddling, or considering sex. But it was also excellent that it was Mother’s Day as we could go over to my parents’ and if there were any “baby the wife” care that she needed, I could rely on Mom to do that if it was needed. Luckily, it was not. Wife just chilled on the couch and pet the dog. We all played “Total Rickcall” a few times, had some excellently cooked fish, discussed my upcoming interviews and that was Sunday.

So… I’d like to say the biggest things in my week are my upcoming interviews. Or perhaps the eye doctor to find out if the glaucoma is showing signs of improvement. Or stumbling ass backwards into something life affirming and exhilarating if I’m lucky enough to accomplish that. Instead the biggest thing in my week relates to my Playstation 4. For some reason over the weekend, my controllers became paperweights. They aren’t charging and they aren’t holding a charge. I don’t know if it is the charging cables or the controllers themselves, but in the hopes of resolving the issue.... I have a complete charging station coming to me that should arrive on Friday. That will be an entire week without my Playstation 4, lol. Which I laugh at… but is a big deal in the grand scheme of things. It’s like being grounded for a week :p Of course, if that doesn’t work? I’ll need to shell out $60. Or $120 if I want to replace both controllers if both of them aren’t working.

Monday Weigh in is 223.4. According to my calendar, last week’s weigh in was 223.6. If next week’s weigh in doesn’t fall to 220, I’ll have to look into getting a trainer to specifically build a workout path for me. Because I’ve been working for 6 weeks and only lost 6 pounds. Pound a week is, allegedly, pretty good but still. Watching my diet this closely and working out this much isn’t sustainable for when I get back to actually working a real job (or at least, I’ll need to be much much smarter about it) and if I can only expect a pound a week, I won’t hit my goal until the end of May 2019.

As I have no access to my Playstation and no pressing work to be done, I’ve begun catching up on the 4 pages of bookmarks that have piled up. If I’ve noted on what you would consider to be an old entry, that would be why.

I finished watching Soul Eater. I liked it but I wouldn’t put it on my “Must Own” List. It was good, it was enjoyable, and I did see myself in some of the characters but it never really grabbed me like Stein;s Gate or Black Lagoon. The end lesson turned out to be that, while it is true there may always be evil in the world, people are more than just cruelty and negative emotions… each person has it within themselves to be something greater because people are also brave.

OH SNAP. So… No Playstation 4… now no Prosebox? Cuz in the middle of trying to catch up on my bookmarks:

Awesome. My house may be getting attacked by technical ghosts of digital future past as my internet and cable TV just completely cut out. Totally. Entirely. SO… no playstation 4… no internet… no TV. Leaving me with (1) writing; (2) watching DVDs; (3) reading books; (4) leaving the house and doing something like shopping or mall walking or some such solo thing. Super.

So instead, I’ll listen to music and write.

The writing prompt exercise I completed has been removed from this entry due to a request for Confidentiality by the prompt’s original creator.

Days like today, I wish I had started taking Kendo as soon as I quit at the law firm. As it is now, I’ve decided to postpone “clubs and volunteering” until I hear back from these three interviews. Because if I get the job out of town? That is going to change everything. If I get either of the jobs IN town; I’ll need to know my schedule and expected duties before I can really work Clubs or Volunteering in. But yeah… just a day where I wish I had a sword in my hand.

I’ve reduced my Bookmarks Unread to a single page. Of course, that might explode again here after my workout, lol. The workout makes me feel strangely torn. On one hand, I really want the JONES job. It is exactly the kind of law I want to practice, the benefits would be good, the pay is fairly outstanding considering my last 15 jobs. On the other hand, there are a lot of good reasons to stay in this area (parents, gym, friends). So… I really want the job but there are positives to not getting it. This dichotomy came to me quite clearly as I was trying to figure out what I should wear for this interview. I was thinking how I haven’t gotten a new suit (and never owned a well tailored suit) in a long time. The Firm didn’t pay me well enough to buy a new suit and Tiny Town would have seen a “good suit” as a waste of government money, so the last time I had a really good suit (even if poorly tailored) was Law School. So as I’m trying to figure out how to invent a good suit that looks good on me but also says “Legal Professional” it occurred to me: “Staying in the area and getting a trainer would help me look infinitely better in any suit; but leaving the area and getting this job would help me afford a new suit and some decent tailoring.”

Off to go do my exercises for the day. Wife has her therapist today (first time since receiving the Letters) so I hope something positive comes of it all. Especially as… in the letter I gave her to give to her therapist (and discussed with her), I told Wife that I am still hoping her individual therapy makes some strong strides so we can start Couples Therapy. Because do y’all remember when we did Couple’s Therapy in Omaha? The therapist said that, while we could certainly benefit from Couple’s Counseling, it wouldn’t do us any good until Wife dealt with her significant individual concerns. After that… nothing. Wife did some Therapy by Skype while we were in Tiny Town but a lot of that was focused on how much she hated Tiny Town. Then around October 2017 time (we moved back to DM April 2017) to March 2018, her therapy was almost exclusively working on getting her a job that wasn’t Wal Mart. Then she got a job that wasn’t Wal Mart, so her therapy turned to dealing with that. But that (potentially) could lead to good news for Wife as when she was having her initial 2 week freak out over the new job, I was able to use it to demonstrate how there were genuine non-conditional, non-external issues she needed to work on. That is also what I said in the letter to her therapist. Along with the “We need personal, individual growth as Couple’s Counseling is still certainly needed.” Which is also something I told Wife on Sunday evening. Because I mean it and she needs to know it. Because of who I am, who my family is… all the influences in life… I don’t want to give up on a Sacred Vow until absolutely every option has been exhausted.
Off to go do my exercises for the day.

So that was a workout. Took two hours which is longer than usual. Got home, started the laundry, reviewed my e-mail. Then Wife came home. Went straight to the shower. Of course… even something like this starts a thing. It has been kind of our “game” that when she announces that she will take a shower, I walk into the bedroom so I can see her change and get into the shower. Honestly, it is the only time I ever get to see my wife naked. True story. LAST WEEK she mentioned how it was “kind of comforting” that I did that because it let her feel like her husband still found her attractive and sexually stimulating. However, apparently that was a short lived feeling. Today, she announced she would be taking a shower, I walk into the bedroom, she gives me a playful roll of the eyes and a smirk and continues to undress. She takes off her pants, starts the shower and… shower is somewhat broken. I fix it for her then go back into the bedroom. She starts to take off her shirt, a half-smile on her lips, and faces away coyly, hiding her bra-clad breasts. I laugh and say, “Oh, you like it.” To which she responds, “No. I don’t. It makes me feel ogled and I don’t like that feeling.” I thank her for her candor and leave the bedroom. If what I’m doing makes her feel uncomfortable and/or she doesn’t like it, then I’ll stop. These are the simple rules of consent… if you say, “I don’t like this. This doesn’t make me feel good.” I will stop. And, in part due to conversations with PB readers/writers, I completely understand where she is coming from. Entirely. Thus why I was quick to respect her statement that she doesn’t like it… even if that contradicts a recent previous statement. I’ll always err on the side of not making someone feel uncomfortable. But I also can’t help but feel that this is yet another way where my Wife’s wants/desires/comfort come before my own. Because now? Now I don’t get to see my wife naked. Ever. That’s what this means. So it feels like, once again, my compassion and understanding and desire to respect my wife’s wishes and bodily autonomy.... comes at the expense of my own wishes and desires with no reciprocal understanding or compassion.

She gets out of the shower and says that it is dinner time… I ask her to help me with the printer (for a job application) while I make dinner. She sits down at her desk… where the printer is… but doesn’t link to the printer. Okay, she wants to check her e-mail first, no problem. Then she starts freaking out. Opening drawers, moving paperwork and saying “Shit. Shit. That’s great. That’s… shit!” I ask her what is wrong. She snaps back at me (with anger caused by the panic) “I can’t find the password vault!” (that is a small electronic device that stores our internet passwords). It was on her desk. Then she tried to print something from an insurance website… but what was printed wasn’t what she wanted. So she announced, “Fuck this!” and threw the paper. And discusses how angry she is about the insurance website. Knowing I was tempting fire… I asked if she was doing the thing with the printer that I had originally asked… because that item was time sensitive. She says, “She’s doing it.” Then spits/yells, “What format? TIF, PDF, Word, Gif, Pic” she continues to angrily spit the file possibilities at me and I just interrupt and say “PDF is fine.” She does that, then goes back to talking about how shitty the insurance website is why the insurance issue is a sky is falling event. And this is how death by a thousand cuts happens. Wife is upset about the shower, so she gets mad and tells me she doesn’t appreciate what I’m doing, despite literally saying it was comforting last week. Then when something isn’t where she expects it to be (because she herself had moved it previously) it becomes a moment of anger and panic that results in verbal and physical manifestations. Same with when a website doesn’t give her what she wants. And same anger and hostility being projected at any type of communication (now for the rest of the night).
These are the small things that build up that make me think (1) am I being over sensitive? (2) is there something wrong with her or me? and (3) If we do end up divorced… my family isn’t going to have any idea as to why.

Now the question is… will she just be a miserable bitch for the rest of the evening (likely) or will she be able to do or be anything besides someone who will simply sit staring at the computer railing against a website that isn’t giving her what she needs despite the fact that we don’t actually NEED what she is trying to get from the website? After thirty minutes.... she starts yelling. Foolishly, I ask what she needs help with. “The fucking thing I copied won’t paste now.” Okay, I can fix this. I give her the control c/v option. “No. It isn’t fucking working.” (takes several violent stabs at the keyboard keys). “What. The Fuck.” Again, I’m an ass… I ask what she was trying to copy/paste. “A fucking, god damned e-mail address.” “Okay, which one is it?” “Your g-mail address.” My g-mail address is my first and last name followed by the word LAW. She is losing her shit because “Copy/Paste” didn’t work when all she has to type is her husband’s name. Are you freaking kidding me? Then she goes to the throwing of pens because… apparently… she needs to vent some of that anger. I serve dinner and remember we have pineapple chunks that are still good. I say, “We have pineapple chunks in the fridge. Do you think dinner will be okay without them or will we need them?” Her response, “Yup.” Repressed sigh. “So does that mean you’re aware of it or you want it?” She spins, in the chair and says angrily, “I know! I know they’re there. I know!” That… was a last straw for me actually. I specifically said, “I don’t care how upset you are at the computer, you don’t get to take it out on me.” To which she responded, “I. don’t. know how to do that. If I’m upset, I’m upset.”

Grumble, grumble.... an honest thought I had? “I bet in some marriages, the spouse is happy when their partner comes home.” Sigh.

I did get some good news today, though! Many many years ago, I created a Meme for “Demotivational Posters.com”. I haven’t really thought about it in several years but CHEEZBURGER.COM (who runs the whole thing) e-mailed me this week and said that my Meme had been voted to FRONT PAGE STATUS. They sent me a link (http://cheezburger.com/3299690752?utm_source=trans&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=frontpage). I hadn’t seen it since I created it so I checked up on it again.

103 up votes, 4 down votes, and over 300 reposts. Not bad :)

But… since Memes and Internet Photos are my source of happy tonight… I’ll leave you with a shit ton!

The Phantom Piper
Patty Gurdy
Drawing of DC Comics’ Raven, artist Unknown
DC Comics’ Raven as Manga, Official
DC Comics’ Raven, Kotobukyia Figure
Veronica Lake
Ava Gardner
Ava Gardner
Ava Gardner
Bettie Page
Bettie Page
Pintrest Board: Betty Boop
Pintrest Board: Betty Boop
Pintrest Board: Betty Boop
Pintrest Board: Betty Boop
Pintrest Board: Betty Boop
Pintrest Board: Betty Boop
Pintrest Board: Zombie Pickle
Pintrest Board: Sandra Sousanis
Pintrest Board: Daniel Brubeck
Pintrest Board: Jethro 2.0
Pintrest Board: Betty Boop
Pintrest Board: Billy Shelton
Pintrest Board: Newt Peterson
Pintrest Board: Bob Rabon
Dani Divine Cosplay
Pintrest Board: Betty Boop
Pintrest Board: The Chive

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Last updated May 14, 2018