Sex as Stranger in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Here’s an interesting thing…

last night because I was hoping to absolutely murder my leg pain and I was desperately hoping to stave off nightmares so I was weak. I drank 3 beers and more than 3 heavily dosed rum drinks. All of this, remember, when I’m on Duloxetine (which should explain my weight gain, even if Wife still does like to point to my weight gain as why I’m far less attractive than I used to be) but that does have a combination with alcohol issue. Or as my dad says, “Bullshit. Every medication says don’t drink while taking meds and they can go to hell.”

So… the last thing I remember last night was watching YouTube on the couch with my Wife. She said she knew I had fallen asleep when Rachel Maddow’s 30 minute video started playing and I didn’t stop it. Wife told me this evening “You don’t remember anything after the couch do you?” And I agreed with her. I totally don’t remember anything after I fell asleep on the couch. The following is from her account:

She got me up… knowing that “up” is relative for me. For me there is a space between waking and sleeping. Wife is remarkably and extremely familiar with this stage. She and “twilight Chris” have had entire conversations that I don’t remember at all. NOT strictly alcohol related either! Literally… even sober… if you wake me up and expect anything immediately… you are running a high risk that I’ll have no idea what is going on.

So Twilight Chris and Wife went into the bedroom. I fell asleep again but I was thrashing in my sleep. So Wife wakes up and decides to kick me out of the bedroom to sleep in the guest room. BUT she notices that I am partially erect. This is funny because on Thursday, I was fully erect for three hours during the day. Almost wrote an entry about it; but decided to just crank one out instead. So… three hours of a boner… almost entirely asleep (Twilight Chris) had a partial boner. Wife decided to hop on. (Remember this is entirely from Wife’s perspective as she is telling it to me). As she put it, “You weren’t super into it really, but I rode until I came. When I stopped, you asked me to continue but fuck that. I had mine.”

So… I don’t know which of those I am more upset with. Honestly. She had sex with me when she knew I wasn’t in a place to give consent. But… this is just… me being bitchy (maybe) but it needs to be said. In our sexual lives, if I orgasm… I almost always make sure she does, too. If I cum, then I turn around and rub her out if she doesn’t want to ride it out. But when the script is flipped? The last (over 6) times we’ve had sex… I haven’t cum. Because (Wife’s exact words) “When I’ve had mine, I’m done.” In other words… if my wife orgasms? Then we’re done. That’s how “sex ends”. No matter what. That… bothers me. A lot. Like… I can’t begin to describe how I feel actually. I’m a guy that decided a long time ago… I do NOT want to be a selfish lover. I want to make sure my partner consents to sex, enjoys sex, and cums if she is willing. Even if I’ve already cum. Because if sex needs two people (or more) than those two people (or more) should get their O. Apparently, Wife super duper doesn’t agree with this. Sex is rare… but if we have sex, she needs to be drunk (or, apparently, I need to be drunk for her to want sex) and my orgasm matters infinitely less than hers. And whereas I am willing to do what it takes to get her there, even if I’ve finished… she’s simply not willing to do anything to help me finish. I mean… I know she’s selfish, self-centered, and self-involved but… damn. Do I really not matter that much?