Friday and Feelings in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I’ve been feeling… meh a lot lately. Nightmares and body pain and loads of other stuff.

My interview on Thursday went fairly well. I still need to do the writing test portion.

My nightmares are becoming almost cyclical. But the weird thing is… they cover something that I wouldn’t mind provided I could do things my way. Y’see… my nightmares all week involve me going back to “school”. Some nights I’m back in High School but… me as I am now. Like… apparently, I hadn’t graduated and needed to return to school. Or some nights, I’m back in college and have to figure out where I’m going to live. Or some nights, I’m back at Law School and struggling to figure out how to navigate classes. Just… every night… school nightmares. And none of them about test anxiety or nudity.
I looked it up, trying to discover what it all might suggest. One site suggested that this may be caused by the “reminiscence bump” best described as a mind simply going through memories in a new way that, if you include dreams, would make these “memories” into new stories. Another site said that these kinds of dreams ” may indicate that you are feeling insecure or experiencing difficulty in your life today that involves an area of your life from school.” A different site shared several possibilities: “usually there is a lesson that you learned back then that you may need to remember” or “Being in school may be bringing you back to a childhood memory that needs to be addressed.” or “something in your waking life is reminding you of someone or something from your past when you were in school.” or “A dream about high school may be coming from your Higher Self or the lesson being learned may be of high importance.” or “Being in College may be a reference to your college days or a relationship from that period; may represent a lesson to be learned; or it may suggest you are experimenting or trying something new, as college students often do.”

So… I’m not really sure what it all means. When I was at Best Buy, I used to dream about school… but that was because I was doing a job that I could have done during High School. These days? I don’t know.

Of course… if I could send my consciousness back like in Stein;s Gate… I’d be more than happy to go back to High School or College!

My healthy living journey is going okay. Averaging 4 workouts a week, 2 Dryland and 2 Swim Workouts. It has been damned hard but I’m at 1400 yards per week, so I’m over halfway there to my swimming yardage goal. If only I was halfway there to my weight loss goal. But.. I keep reminding myself… slow and steady is better than quickly if that means I can keep it off.

Pause for a moment to share terrible and/or funny Twitter Statements

Lately, my Therapist and I have been discussing some of the stuff that I’ve been going through. Primarily that when it comes to decisions that might hurt people or create conflict… I think through things… to death… and still never make a decision. We discussed being “in the moment” and/or making decisions based on “gut feelings.” It’s funny. I can make decisions well, I can make decisions quickly… but almost never when it comes to a decision about my life that might impact others. So she’s having me read this article from Forbes about “How to Trust Your Intuition.”
1. Pay attention to the way your body reacts in different situations. Get a journal and write in it. Write about the tasks, interactions and people at work or in your job search that make you feel uplifted and confident, and the ones that make you feel bad. Noticing your emotions and body reactions is the first step in re-establishing the frayed connection with your gut – your best guide.
2. As you go through your day, notice the signals and twinges your gut tries to send you. Maybe you’re wondering whether or not to stop at the grocery store on your way home from work. Don’t calculate the answer. Stop controlling it, and ask your body “Should I stop, or go straight home?” Relax into the new sensation of letting your body make decisions for you, instead of your brain.
3. Spend as much time as possible with people who reinforce you and as little time as possible with people who bring you down.
4. Daydream about your life and your career. What would you like to see happen in your life and in your work? Don’t censor the ideas that come to you. The more you tell your body “Go ahead and steer me where I need to go” the louder its guidance will become.
5. At night, think back over your day. Think about positive reactions and fear reactions you had during the day. Many people at work experience huge fear reactions that send adrenaline racing through the veins, but after the immediate crisis they don’t think about the episode again. You will think about it. You’ll re-enact the event in your mind and ask “What was my body trying to tell me?”
6. Think about your life so far, and identify distinct moments when you listened to your gut and made the right decision. It might have been a safety issue or a decision to get out of a bad relationship or job. Acknowledge your body for speaking up.
7. Be aware of the tapes in your head that will tell you to leave your body out of the decision-making process and listen only to your busy brain. Practice telling the voice in your head to step aside because you want to get your body’s guidance, too.
8. Take steps into unknown territory every chance you get. When you do the same things over and over again, you go on auto-pilot without meaning to. Your spidey sense dulls. Don’t let that happen! Throw yourself into new situations. Go to the ballet or a demolition derby – something far out of your experience. Meet new people and try new dishes. Shake it up whenever you can!
9. When you have free time, don’t rush to the To Do list that could otherwise rule your every waking hour. Sit quietly and ask your body “What should I do now?” The answer might be something you need but never give yourself, like a massage or a long walk, or a call to your best friend far away.
10. Stop and attend when your body signals you. Let no squeak or twinge go unaddressed. If you are by yourself, name the squeak or twinge out loud.”Uh-oh, I was just thinking about the report I’m working on, and my gut squeaked. I need to pay attention to that.” Pause and reflect on the message your intuition sent you. You will never go wrong listening to your powerful body!

I… have no idea how or if I can do most of that. I’ll have to take it item by item and see what happens. I just… I don’t know if I’m even capable of trusting my gut… my gut has often led to shitty things. But then… my brain has led to shitty things, too. So… maybe trying to figure out if I can re-connect with my gut and/or instincts could be a good idea.

A friend of mine posted the following onto Facebook

This entire list makes me… a little sad. As I can honestly say… I don’t think my marriage is representative of a single one of these. Great.

Makoto and Sekai from “School Days”

Last updated May 12, 2018