Tension in My Fucking Feelings

Why do I keep holding onto hope that someday, somehow we will be together? Why does it feel like we were meant to be? That’s clearly bogus. If I could just convince myself the whole thing is crazy I could maybe move past it. But I can’t of course. There are too many memories.

I got an A in math. Didn’t think it was possible. I should be celebrating. I found a new job and I’m finally getting my associates degree. Everything’s going splendidly… but I spend a lot of time thinking about you still. Wishing you were here. Wishing you’d talk to me.

I wanna go out, but I have no motivation. The room where I sleep is starting to get out of hand. I really need to clean it. It’s hard for me to convince myself to be back here without sleeping. My schedule is all off. I’m awake at 4 in the morning.

All the progress I’ve made and somehow it still feels like I’m not doing anything. It still feels like I’m not meeting my own expectations. Going to a birthday party tomorrow. I’m supposed to wear a dress. Maybe I can at least be social for once.

I should be sleeping instead of staying up all night playing games and trying to act like I’m okay. Nobody can even tell, but the tension is slowly building. Need to find a way to let it out.