Friday and Recaps in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Birthday Gifts: “Cooperative Card Game ‘Total Rickcall” from my Brother “Spin City Season 3” from Wife “Stein;s Gate Movie” from Wife

Birthday Activities:
Lunch w/Brother and SIL in Ames
Pizza and Dark And Stormy Drinks w/Wife while watching Comedy Specials she selected (John Mullaney & Greg Davies).

As to my desire to try to get sex or affection for my birthday? I decided against the rapey sounding path. Instead I asked. Since foreplay, affection, encouraging words, and every other “romantic overture” is out.... I figured… just ask. Be straightforward. The answer was an immediate and impassioned no. K. So… yeah. K. Got it. If I want any affectionate physical interaction and/or sexual interaction with my wife… she needs to be silly stupid drunk. Got it. But… yeah. I can’t help but be equally stupefied and shocked that Wife is okay with a sex life that is limited to almost no touch other than “emotional support hugs” while having sex less than once a month… while even that sex is often one or both parties failing to orgasm. I simply can’t wrap my head around how she is comfortable with that. Even at my most depressed or anxious that was not a possibility. Hell, even now I’m masturbating to orgasm a several times a week. I get that people have different needs and everything but… a woman that doesn’t want/need physical affection and doesn’t want sex more than once every few months and doesn’t want to orgasm? Am I really that out of line for thinking “She says she’s heterosexual but… is she?”

It is funny. When I was a kid I was 100% certain that I wanted to be an actor. I had exactly the career I wanted in mind. All I wanted was a regular gig on a TV show perhaps supplemented by voice work in animation and video games. That is what I wanted as an actor. It wasn’t to be. But as I was growing up, everyone continually told me how much I’d have to learn to live with rejection. I had ample opportunities. Passed over for roles, not selected due to social hierarchies, considered unsuitable for the role… I got used to “professional” rejection. Just as I always have. Since law school, I’ve become even more acquainted with professional rejection. Literally hundreds of applications I’ve sent out in my 4 years since receiving my JD. I’ve also been rejected socially for much of my life. But… it is definitely a weird feeling in this marriage. I know Wife needs me. I know Wife likes me. I may be her only real friend these days, after all. I just… it always comes back to it. It always will unless I change something, I suppose. I want to be wanted dammit. I want my wife… or even some rando… to want to be with me. Unless… I really am the kind of person that shouldn’t have that… or doesn’t get to have that… or isn’t deserving of that.

I suppose these issues come to crystallization on my birthday as this entire timeline was begun on my birthday approximately 13 years ago. Or… actually.... the primary divergence between the multiverses took place in my birthday approximately 17 years ago. If I’d made more of my 17th birthday, then certain events would have been delayed, saving me from my torturous abusive relationship and ultimately creating an entirely different course of events for the last two decades.

However, all of that sounds even more crazy than it actually is without the whole story. Granted, it’ll still sound crazy. I’m not exactly King Rational Thought… more Lord Monster Essex… but it does inspire me to try to finish my long ass entry. Seriously… I understand that nobody will read it. My usual text walls are difficult enough to cut through… the entire story of my last 23 years, even if condensed, will be a snore inducing text wall of doom. But I do wish to finish it. And I do hope that some at least attempt to read it. And I do hope that some leave a note or two. I haven’t always been good, I haven’t always been intelligent, and life hasn’t always been easy… but I do want to tell my story… and I do want someone to read it.

After Wife and I went to bed last night, it took her all of 20 minutes to fall asleep. I couldn’t sleep. Too much on my mind and too much weighing on me in various ways for different reasons. I left the bedroom, turned on the TV, and drank 3 beers until I was sleepy enough to trust that I’d go down. Went to the guest room and fell asleep. My cell phone died in the middle of the night, so I didn’t have my alarm go off to wake me up. I guess in many ways… doesn’t really matter if I sleep until 10:00 am. But… I’d really like to get close to a more appropriate sleep schedule again somehow.

My dad isn’t a lawyer and he claims not to be a Trump supporter. However, he did vote for Donald Trump during the election. His words were (to the effect that) “I would rather have Satan himself run this country before Hillary Clinton. Because I think that guy works for her.” Throughout Donald Trump’s presidency… my dad has continued to shout, “I don’t like the guy, but at least it’s better than Hillary!” Which immediately disregards everything that Donald Trump has done and is doing. But more importantly, my dad does/has been spouting Pro-Trump Sound Bites (because why do your own research when Fox News and Associates can do it for you). Almost every actual policy that has come out of the Trump White House, my Dad supports. But he also claims to be a devout Christian with integrity and ethics. So he’s very against Donald Trump (person) but very for Donald Trump (president).

So why am I saying any of this? Because if you watch the Guilianni/Hannity interview? That’s my dad. Rudy was like a short, thin, attorney version of my father. Throughout the entire interview but… chillingly so in one specific portion. Hannity said to Rudy, “Yesterday Comey said that Hillary deeply respects the rule of law.” Rudy’s face expressed deep emotion and he said, “WOW. That… this is, this is a very perverted man.” THAT IS MY FATHER IN EVERY WAY. The emotion expressed on the face. The “Wow” followed up by a blasting character indictment against the speaker for saying something positive about Hillary Clinton. ALL of that was like watching my father on television!

Mostly my day has been pointless. By choice. Well, mostly by choice. Technically… if I desired to, I could do anything each day. I could watch movies, see anime, go shopping… I could technically do anything. But I’m bound by Wife’s concerns for money. And in this, she’s in the right. Being frugal is important and the best way to make sure we’ll have enough scratch for thin times. But I’ve been kind of down today. At some point, I’ll go through and make all of the beds… do all of the dishes… maybe do some laundry… do whatever to make the house look nicer. I really need to use my time better.

STARTING NEXT WEEK:
(1) I’ll actually track and chart my workouts. What machine, how many reps, what strength… what yard intervals and what timed intervals. Really track what I’m doing.
(2) I’ll start charting and tracking my food intake. How many calories (mostly) in an attempt to really focus on dropping weight.
(3) I’ll make sure to get outside once a day. Not just “walking from car to building” but actually going outside and enjoying the fresh air.
(4) I should organize and strategize some things I’ve been wanting. I’ve had certain Anime on my list for years and years… and I’ve almost entirely stopped buying things for myself. Like… I don’t even buy Clothes anymore. The only purchases I make are groceries, gas, and sometimes gifts for other people. So I should treat myself every now and then.

I’ve been thinking lately about people I once knew. Some of them I’ve already gotten back in touch with. Some of them that I haven’t might be okay with it. But there are some that would not want to reconnect at all. Some that really just… are better off. And for some reason, thinking about those people got this song stuck in my head: