Plea in My Fucking Feelings

I’ve all but given up on diet and exercise. I forgot my medicine today and spent the day praying I wouldn’t sunk from the anxiety and depression. Work has become very stressful with the lack of anyone to relate to. Suddenly it feels like a job for once. You know, the kind where you can’t wait for the day to be over. It was never like that before. I was so happy. It was just what I did every day. It was what I loved doing. Now it’s a job. Still a pretty good one as long as I can keep it.

You have no idea, Love, how much I need you right now. Just to be here to understand me. To talk to me, about anything really. I still don’t feel that I am aloud to talk to you. Before, you always talked to me. Remember, I’m not following you I’m just lost. I feel lost lately. Like I’m treading water. I imagine you will just materialize here beside me and hold me while you count the tears. Did you know I can cry a river? Well, a small puddle anyway. I didn’t know year ducts could produce so many years in one cry, but you’d be amazed. Wish you were here. My motivation has left the building and I just want to look in your eyes and know it’ll be okay because you said so.

But where are you? You will never even see these words. You are happy without me. And I’m glad you are happy, I just wish I could be part of that. I miss the way you used to make me feel so important. You hung on every word and ran to greet me. You were always so excited to see me that you just couldn’t help it. I beg for you to come to me, as if you could hear. When did I become so pitiful?

I give up. Time for sleep now. I can’t fool myself into thinking you are there anymore.