First of May in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Happy first of May.
The video shared is something of a Tradition to play on this specific day.

As to my previous entry, I am thinking that it was a dream. The bed, my body, and the bedroom floor all show no signs of any intercourse. Even if Wife woke up this morning and cleaned the house before going to work, some physical evidence would be present. Also, the “memory” of it is fading far more like forgetting a dream than forgetting an alcohol induced activity. That being said, I do still intend to ask Wife. The lawyer in me thinks “Trust the physical evidence” but… I want to be wrong about that. That is where I am in my life right now. That… even if I don’t remember it or didn’t enjoy it… I would like to believe that my wife and I had sex last night. Because that would keep us closer to once a month, which… while an unpleasantly small amount, is still better than much longer. And realizing that I want the sex to be real even if I don’t remember it or didn’t enjoy it.... makes me realize that as much as this is about sex, it is also about something much more. Wife doesn’t exactly say, “I love you.” She doesn’t “do those little things that shows she cares.” She doesn’t kiss me hello or give me any physical signs of affection. It is a cold and disconnected marriage. So.... sex, even if I don’t remember it, would at least be a sign that we did do something “marital” or “relationship” focused.

AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand the verdict is in:
We did have sex last night. I’m sorry I forgot it. I’m sure I couldn’t have been good. But I’m glad the memory I have is there. It is my favorite thing that she allows… her on top steadying herself by holding my hands. Of course… I am glad it happened… but I am very sorry that I don’t remember it.

Which… I am officially taking as another sign that we need to find a better way to get Wife into sexy mode. Wife agrees, actually. Neither of us can ever remember a time where wife didn’t have to get very inebriated before sex. And while I agree that a little “night cap” to help get through anxiety is okay once in a while? The fact that we have sex (at best) once a month is unfortunate enough. Add in the fact that she has to get trashed before hand? It’s just… it tends to underline the fact that we don’t have a healthy sex life.

Of course, after asking the question and both of us agreeing vehemently that we drank too much last night… that was the majority of the “conversation.” Wife went to monologue mode because she is absolutely freaking out as Thursday is her last day of At Work Training. Or really, Thursday is her first day of being asked to do the job without a trainer or supervisor. So… tonight, tomorrow night, and really just the rest of the entire week… we’re going to be in “Wife is an anxious, stressful, freaking, crying mess.” Sooo… I need to make sure that I am taking care of myself this week as trying to take care of her needs is going to be… emotionally stressful.

Adding because this video is always worth seeing :)

Funny little internet quiz said this about me:
You’re bold, fierce, and passionate. You never back down from a challenge, and you always charge into danger head on. Your friends and family are the most important things in the world to you.