Monday and Recovery in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Basic Monday.

Work out, weigh in, music, video games, laundry, dishes.

Things that are in any way out of the ordinary?

Last night, Wife said that she had started to read the letters that I wrote. I wanted to go over them together, so not thrilled she grabbed them and started reading already but… at least that means she’ll have given them some thought before we discuss them tonight. I asked if she had read any of the stories I put into her letter. (I shared some fantasies and desires). Her only response was “Sad.” Monosyllabic and interpretable. Either reading those made her sad that she doesn’t do any of that.... or sad that she is incapable/unwilling to do any of that… or sad that I want those things… or am I sad because I want those things? I haven’t been going over it in my head, but those things did pop in there. Hopefully Wife and I will actually get the chance to discuss it tonight.

My official weigh in for the day is 224.2. So… over all… 6 lbs lost in 4(ish) weeks. Really hope to figure out what I need to do to get rid of the next 64 lbs!

My firm won’t give me my final pay check until SPDO pays everything out. And SPDO (since the fiscal year begins in July) is being stingy as balls. They owe me on 3 cases. Today I received 2 notices that they were decreasing my billing by (between the two) a full $60. In other words, they said that “an hour” of my time wasn’t worth paying for. Translation: We’re desperately trying to prove to our Administration that we aren’t simply “paying for everything” and instead we’re “bringing the hammer”. Of course… my firm handled those things differently. I’m not sure if they were over reacting or not but… they would fight every payment discrepancy. Like… $30? I’m fighting that! Whereas I think, “I understand that they have to justify their bullshit to higher ups. If they actively screw me to the tune of 3 digits; I’ll come down on them. But a little here and there? A little off the top? Maybe I’m just more understanding.

In other news, the Social Security Administration job that I’m not sure if I want sent me some more on the interview process and timed writing test.

Of course… I am really hoping Jones County calls me back. I know my parents will be disappointed. Wife may be upset. But… good money, good benefits, good area, lively location, and the exact job (duties and title) that I want? Yes please!

In more “There are some levels of shit I won’t tolerate” news…
I do and have called people out for cultural appropriation. My dad has a collection of old Native American headdresses and outfits that he used to use in scouts and I’ve since told him how a 60 year old German/British/Norwegian guy dancing around a fire in those outfits saying “hey yuh hey yuh hey yuh hey yuh” can be offensive. Because really… that is literally appropriating the culture. Meanwhile, a girl wore the below dress to Prom and the Twitter-verse jumped up in arms about cultural appropriation. To me? Jumping on this teenager for wearing a dress she liked is a bit much. I worry that next up, any shirt with a Mandarin Collar is going to be seen as cultural appropriation.

Read “REASONS TODAY’S KIDS ARE BORED AT SCHOOL, FEEL ENTITLED, HAVE LITTLE PATIENCE & FEW REAL FRIENDS“. Thinking I may try to use it with Wife.

I put off calling my Aunt. I know I need to get that call taken care of tonight but… if she calls me about a potential job offer… it is my aunt. That means I am required to follow up on it. Funny thing? It is about more than just financing. Granted, my Aunt and Uncle have been a financial God send. Even that is a pale mockery of the proper term. Their generosity is overwhelming. But here is the thing about a phrase like that. Generosity can mean two things. (1) A person is generous if they give what they have, no matter what they have. Thus a person making $15.00 a week that helps his brother w/$5.00 a week is generous. (2) A person is generous if they give a large amount, even if it is a small percentage of a larger amount. Thus a person making $7 million a year is still generous if he gives his brother $100,000 a year. I’ll say that my aunt and uncle are the second type. But that doesn’t discount their generosity. Granted… generosity does not include a free ticket to control my life; but it certainly gives them a seat at the table.

Again, going to a different thought in my head… here’s what I’d like in life:

I want to do a job that supports professionalism, ethics, and helping my community. Other than work, I want to play board games, watch movies, watch Anime, play video games, read, and be fit & sexy. My ideal partner? Would be intelligent, compassionate, and understanding with an interest in video games, movies, reading, anime, and spending time with friends. Meanwhile, she would also have a healthy sex drive and be interested in having a relationship that includes the various expressions of romantic, sexual, and playful love. And when I think about that kind of thing? Two things come to mind.
(1) Is this the thing that I hear being discussed in Womyn’s Groups? Is this where a man expects a woman to be “everything possible” for his pleasure? Or am I just being reasonable and wanting to be in a relationship where I, my interests, and our relationship have meaning to my partner?
(2) Is this like when I was a kid ‘building’ the perfect woman in my head even though it was inappropriate to expect one person to be that many things? I remember as a kid sitting around thinking “What would be perfect?” Though… to be fair, what I wrote above still wouldn’t fit “perfect.” I remember, though, one of the funniest “requirements” I had as a kid that never ever changed was always worded as “Dressed like Hot Topic but didn’t act like Hot Topic.” Which… to the best of my present ability… I can only say… I probably meant/mean… someone that dresses “edgy” and “goth” or “emo” or however you’d like to define that particular style (including hair, nails, jewelry) but doesn’t define their entire lives by trying to live up to a specific stereotype as laid out before them by a society quick to judge and define. In other words… I went to school with many “Hot Topic Attitude” people… the ones who would see (me) a guy in khaki pants and a red polo shirt and think, “God, he’s so lame. Just wants to fit in with the Golf Country Bitches that run this school.” When… in fact… I, too, would have loved to embrace a fashion sense that said “Guy Liner is Life; Black clothes with metal accessories belong everywhere.” Except for the fact that… even in High School, I was working on being employable. Yes, “sell out” fits and I don’t mind the label.

Me in 2009. Seemed appropriate for the above paragraph. Though, I did have people tell me that even THIS looks creepy. So… maybe that’s why I weigh so much more now? When I was thinner, I was “creepy” and now that I’m fat… I’m just “unattractive.”?

Called the Aunt. She’s… fun. She genuinely DOES care about family but you can tell that her “comfort zone” is professional mode so she is asking questions about family and life as a “I’m required to do this for social niceties” whereas I’m a lot more “You don’t have to do that, but I appreciate it.” Ah well. Opportunity she wanted to talk about was a Jason Kander get out the vote initiative. May give it a look. Could be worth doing even if it is a limited time engagement kind of thing.

My therapist sent me SO MUCH STUFF, lol. I’ve been trying to help guide her to what I want to work on… boundaries, assertiveness, emotional acceptance of self… that kind of stuff. Here is a fun insight that my therapist had after reading about a recent Wife/Me issue: “It sounds like you would rather “suck it up” and carry a heavier load that truly isn’t healthy for you specifically due to your health and wellness needs…versus trust your gut or instinct and make a decision that lets someone else down. Is this an accurate reflection? To the point where you question if what you are feeling is appropriate based on the situation.”

Whether my job or my marriage… I think many of you have probably seen something like this as well, yes?

RANDOM ANIME PICTURE