Charting in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Consider this an entry that takes several days.

Thursday night was an average night. And I want to lay it out because… I want your opinion.
Wife came home and woke me up. I was napping a bit because my back hurt so much after working out. She woke me and she wanted to watch some “Hot Ones” videos. We watched Tyra Banks Hot Ones and some other YouTube videos. Then Wife said she wanted to move some stuff to her car, now that it has finally been returned from the shop. Except… she was physically unable to leave the couch. I had to shut down all of the electronics then she went to her car. She came back up… decided that the Guest Bathroom wasn’t clean enough for our guest tomorrow, and sprayed the sink. I nuked dinner (leftovers from my cooking) and we watched Sword Art Online. I know that Wife isn’t into Anime (except for Back Lagoon, Hellsing, and Attack on Titan) and that by the end of this weekend she’d be bitching about anime since MBFITWW was visiting. BUT… I figured… compromise. She loved the book Ready Player One, was disappointed in the movie… Sword Art Online seemed like a good Anime to watch. So that was our evening. Watching Sword Art Online.

It was… interesting. I’m not sure how to feel about it. Watching anime with my Wife… is this marriage? I mean… obviously I want a relationship where we would be holding hands or snuggling while watching… or a relationship where my wife tells me “I love you” without prompting… or a relationship where sex was at all a possibility. AND clearly those are significant issues in our relationship. But… just as far as what a day to day marriage looks like? Isn’t this what that looks like? Just… sitting and watching TV with my Wife?

On a completely different topic… well different but with some similarities....
I am a member of some Buffy Forums on Facebook. It can get especially interesting as there are new fans showing up all the time. Some 14 year old kid from Brazil shows up and says, “I loved Pangs but does it finish on another show?” Of course… you’ve got us old Buffy Fans who get to share that Pangs was ended in the Angel episode “I Will Remember You”, one of the most perfectly written Television Episodes of all time.

Anyway… someone was sharing a photo gallery of all of the “best bites” of Buffy… literally… showing all the vampire bite scenes. And they shared an image of Vamp Willow and Vamp Xander biting Alt U Buffy. The image is shared below but… I can’t be the only one that thinks this is just… hot, right? Like… I know I have my vampire/goth/etc tendencies… but… this is also just… like… generally super hot, right?

Not surprisingly, I couldn’t sleep Thursday to Friday. My belly was doing some weird things. Apparently, I have what is termed a “sensitive stomach” or at least that is how Google terms it as this stomach stuff is related to my intake of spinach. So with that being the case, I decided to try to get my Gems of War deck tournament ready. One of a handful of activities that usually has me yawning within the hour.

I finally fell asleep sometime after 2:00.... which meant that I did not wake up when I wanted to. In fact, my whole day became “3 hours behind” but… I was resolved to “If I focus, I can get the important stuff done!”

Weight Loss…
So… getting on the scale on Mondays and not seeing results is depressing. Looking in the mirror and seeing my body still looking like… blast it, I wish my brain communicated better. When I was in 6th Grade, I went through a growth spurt. I gained weight and then a little height. However, my brother had been “large” his entire life. My father and grandfather were both “large”. We knew from a young age that I was going to be short. And yes… the fact that I am 5‘7 is still sometimes a sore spot with me depending on who is mentioning it. I am the same height as Tom Cruise, I am the same height as Jet Li, I am the same height as Dave Franco, I am taller than Michael J Fox, I am taller than Seth Green, I am taller than Daniel Radcliffe, I am taller than Bruno Mars, I am taller than Elijah Wood, and I am taller than Jon Stewart. And yes… when you are an actor and short, you need to know that so you can talk yourself up. EVERY casting director will say, “Leading men need to be between 5‘10 and 6‘3”… so having a go-to list is important for your esteem as you audition! ANYWAY… lost myself to a tangent. We knew I was going to be shorter than almost all of the men in my family… so I was really strongly hoping I would never inherit The Family Gut. These were taller men that still carried their weight largely in their stomachs. We are a people of broad shoulders and broad chests… but carry the weight in our stomachs. This probably explains why I was so happy to be 120 through most of High School! So… these days as I pass a mirror and see that my gut is… not what it once was… and add that to the static scale readings… I do tend to get a little discouraged. So, to pump myself up… I did a Friday Weigh In. Hoping that it would give me better numbers than Monday. Today’s weigh in said 222. So 8 lbs down from when I started. A slow crawl to my ultimate goal… and who knows if that will stay put come Monday… but a little encouragement is a very good thing.

THEN… middle of catching up on some important work phone calls…
Wife calls. She has the opportunity to advance already in her new job. And of course… she’s crying from stress and panic. Because “boo hoo, they want me to do something else already.” I get that I am a dick for thinking this but… holy fuck, woman! Life is change, work is about advancement. If you can’t wrap your head around this… maybe it would be a good investment to get you into far more intensive therapy? Seriously. I know I freaked out about work sometimes but that is because in my line of work, I may be juggling several cases where a person may be permanently prohibited from entering the US or sent back to a country where they will die… and I didn’t freak out because I was asked to do my job, I didn’t freak out because I was asked to take on a new task.... I freaked out because my dickhole bosses refused to teach me, train me, or pay me. If you are working for people with an excellent training program, pay scale, and patience? I don’t want to hear you crying about them giving you more opportunities. Christ. I get it… if I still had compassion or patience left for her… I’d be a lot more understanding. But that shit is and has run out a bit. Right now… I’m the guy thinking, “You bitch about bad things, you bitch about good things, you bitch when there’s nothing at all. You bitch over text, you bitch while in person, you bitch after you’ve made a call! When every day and every hour seems like a more pressing defeat; perhaps it is you who needs to be changed lest you be miserable stuck on repeat!”

Only reason I was even around for the text message and phone call? Because two places want to interview me. The first one wants to do a Phone Interview to see if I could be a Legal Adviser to a Business Writing Company. The second is a connection via my aunt who is looking for help in a Get Out The Vote Campaign. Haven’t heard much about the Get Out the Vote item, hoping my aunt gets back to me with those details. Phone Interview and Writing test are scheduled for May 10. Which is funny timing as the Deadline for Resume Acceptance on the jobs I applied for and actually want is May 9. So… we’ll see what happens there.

After that… I sat down and finally wrote that damned letter I’ve been trying to and meaning to get finished for so long to Wife’s therapist. Three big points I wanted to make known:
(1) Wife has a long history of abject misery. Every year of our marriage has been worse than the year before and something needs to change just for her sake before she is engulfed entirely by her own misery.
(2) Wife has a long history of externalizing everything. As soon as shit gets bad, it is due to an external factor. A move, a job, my weight… anything that is “different” is the reason she’s miserable and her solution is to change that which is different. Thus, a serious case of Destination Addiction.
(3) We have seen a Marriage Counselor before who said that while Marriage Counseling would be recommended, Wife’s personal issues were so severe that Couples Counseling would not help until she had sought individual therapy. Thus why I am so invested in making sure this works and why I’m sticking my nose in right now. I’m not the kind of guy to want a marriage to end… but when a Marriage Counselor specifically says, “Wife needs to work on stuff individually before we can even begin addressing the issues you have as a couple”… I want to be encouraging and helpful.

Followed by a letter to Wife. Stating pretty much, “I know we grew up with different family dynamics and I accept that. But you have never told me what you want, while I have tried to give everything I could. Meanwhile, I am often telling you want I want, while you ignore or self-focus. I want to resolve this. I want to find a way to get us to healthy. Or by God, I don’t know what to do!”

Then… time for SWIM! Was I able to do another 600 or was my body just CRUSHED since I did 2-a-day today?
I DID IT! I did an additional 600 yards! It was inconsistent, slow, and a struggle. But I got there. 1200 swimming yards this week!

After that… some shopping for this weekend. Going to try my hand at a slow cooker recipe so that some of the Friend Weekend can be at least somewhat healthy.

Came home… checked mail… still no bonus check from my old firm. And they owe me one. So time to write an e-mail saying, “Where’s my money?”

And now… I should be prepping the Slow Cooker recipe but… my body is too sore, lol. I’ll give it a bit. I’ll read some articles on Marriage that I pulled up, catch up on Prosebox, and read the E-Mail that my therapist sent me.

From the article (http://www.oprah.com/relationships/relationship-red-flags-and-the-science-behind-a-good-marriage/all#ixzz5Dv3lwWHb) “Scientists have identified some simple but powerful indicators that can help couples recognize marital strife long before their relationship hits the skids.”
- Narrative “Research has shown that analyzing what’s known as the marital narrative—the way you talk about the good and bad times of your early years together—is about 90 percent accurate in predicting which marriages will succeed or fail.” If the narrative involves a lot of “we” and “us” and positive comments, then the marriage is doing well. If the narrative involves a lot of blame and negativity, then the marriage is on track to fail.
- Conflict “Research has shown that in the first three years of marriage, couples who never argued were happier than those that did. But after the first three years of marriage, that all reversed. The couples who argued in the first 3 years (provided those arguments were constructive, healthy, and led to resolution) made the marriage stronger for the long-run.”
- Non Verbal Show of Contempt
Eye Rolling may be the single most offensive non-verbal gesture in a marriage. All non-verbal messages that signal contempt are bad, but “”This kind of sarcastic nonverbal gesture doesn’t clearly state the person’s disagreement—making it difficult for the recipient to respond,” says Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, professor of psychiatry and psychology at the Ohio State University College of Medicine. She also notes that signs of contempt are a powerful indication that your relationship may need outside help. “While the first step is, of course, to stop the behavior, it’s also important to explore the reasons behind it,” she says.”
- Balance of Power “When the social activities are controlled by one person, that is a risk factor for a relationship.” It is important to note that (of the examples discussed) they are not discussing a forced control. When one partner defers constantly, it is a bad sign in a marriage.
- Questioning Compatibility
The very act of questioning compatibility can tell you a lot about how you feel about your marriage. If you’re questioning compatibility, then you already believe there is a significant, potentially relationship ending, issue in your marriage. Compatibility grows, changes, ebbs, flows… these are the “mutual interests or different interests” and as much as we like to think those things control our marriages, they really don’t. “In fact, in his study of 168 Pennsylvania couples, those who eventually split up were no less compatible in their leisure interests and their ideas about marriage than those who stayed together.”

So… from that article… narrative is concerning due to Wife’s extreme and persistent negativity; conflict is concerning because (while yes, we argued a lot in our first 3 years) I can’t really say I felt that anything was ever truly resolved; non-verbal signs of contempt, including eye rolling, are nearly constant in this household; balance of power is terminal, Wife never wants to do anything and our entire social calendar is controlled by me; and I don’t have to tell you whether I’ve questioned compatibility.*

Then I went to an 8 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship article (https://apracticalwedding.com/signs-of-a-good-marriage/)
1) You stop comparing yourselves to other couples. Humorously, I’m fairly okay with this (except when it comes to sex because I’m always trying to see if I’m a pervert or just being unfairly denied) but Wife is permanently stuck on comparison. Her life to others, her job to others, her relationship to others… everything is a comparison for her and she’s always the one “losing”.
2) When ‘Good Enough’ becomes good. This is one of those that keeps me in this marriage, that keeps me fighting. I’m realistic and I know that no marriage is perfect. That just isn’t reasonable. So I’m trying to determine (within myself) how much I’m willing to “settle” for a specific way of life.
3) When You Can Both Stay True To You. This one is about each person is the best version of them that they can be because their partner supports them without trying to control or criticize. I don’t even need to leave a comment on this one!
4) When good and bad are irrelevant. It seems like this point is trying to say “There are no good marriages or bad marriages… simply strong marriages or weak marriages.” In other words, if both people are working to keep the marriage strong, it is strong. If not, then not. Guess which one our marriage lines up with?
5) When you understand that marriage comes with risk. This is the reassuring part for people with doubt saying that even healthy and strong relationships have doubt, it is healthy for the marriage. Kind of like a PB reader note said on my entry recently. And she’s right. Doubt can be healthy and good for the marriage. And I don’t think Wife has that anymore. And I think she might be taking advantage of that.
6) When being there for one another is enough. This is the classic, “Even if he doesn’t know what to say, I know the lines of communication are open” kind of thing. Well… my lines of communication have stumbling blocks. Lots of stumbling blocks.
7) When you’re happy every day. This one comes with an important caveat. It says every day not all day. They are saying, and I think it is a reasonable thing to suggest, that a good marriage makes each person happy at least once a day. I can say with confidence that this is not true in my life.
8) When you realize a good relationship might not have a specific definition. This is the nice “catch all” that says “If none of the above fits your relationship, but it is good for you… go with it!” Well… poop on you, friend.

Psychology Today Article (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/encountering-america/201212/happy-ish-marriage) just gave a scale of where relationships can be and should be. The closer to 1 the more danger it’s in.
1) Feels a complete failure as a spouse. Gets no satisfactions out of being a spouse.
2) Can perform marital role with borderline adequacy, gets no enjoyment out of it.
3) Adequate as a spouse, gets more satisfactions than frustrations out of it.
4) Adequate as a spouse, gets positive satisfaction out of it.
5) Adequate as a spouse, the relationship is growing.

The article makes a point of saying “Adequate” is the goal because it needs to be understood in a healthy relationship that nothing is ever “perfect” and that nothing should be “static” so “Adequate and Growing” is where a good, healthy relationship should be.

How’s this for literal?

MBFITWW is here. I poured him a glass of milk at his request. I asked him to put it on a coaster and I slid one to him. He tried to put it on the coaster but wasn’t paying attention and it spilled. A glass of spilt milk. When Wife discovered it, she became very upset. I had to tell her it was our guest, and that he deserves compassion and understanding. Her face got very tight and you could see her suppressing her anger. Finally, after try maybe trying to hopefully deal with it I suppose… she just started yelling at me that some papers were wet and I moved them to the counter and they were dry. I was like “Why is it so bad that the papers are dry? I tried to do what I thought was best?” She yelled, “The papers dried to the counter! I can’t move them. The papers are tearing when I try to move them. This is all messed up now!” I honestly expected her to start shrieking honestly. And then she went into her “I’m not talking to anyone, I am far too upset” mode while she screamed obscenities periodically at the papers while periodically slamming her hands down on same counter. And all this over literally spilt milk. I can’t make this stuff up. I must now say, even if I want children, this woman should never have any. If she explodes like this over a little spilled milk? I don’t want to imagine how she would treat a child that was making mistakes like this often.

In fact, a full hour after the milk was spilt and cleaned up… her continuing, persistent anger and prolonged outbursts… I wanted to be in a completely different place. I can’t imagine what MBFITWW felt. I mean… there is only so much over-reaction, rage, and prolonged outburst that someone can accept.

HOLY. FUCK. I get it. Wife is pissed off and furious about the whole Milk thing. Like… kind of her “I’ll shit on everyone and everything” mood just spiraling. To the point where I’m like This is why you don’t have friends and this is why it is impossible to bring you anywhere or have people over, Christ! But I don’t say that. Because I want to minimize the awkwardness for our guest. However… she keeps finding places to funnel her rage. Our Region Free Blu Ray Player would not play a specific Anime Disc. She flipped out. Both MBFITWW and I explained carefully to her how this made sense. We’re both lawyers, we both know how DVD things work. We tried to explain it to her that some international releases are Region Specific. She argued. Flat out yelling at us that Region Specific didn’t make sense. We tried to explain it again… all DVD/Blu Rays are “regioned” and default to the region where they are made. A Region Free Blu Ray allows us to play DVDs purchased in Britain. The International Releases made in one region FOR another region are “region specific” in order to prevent “reverse imports.” Apparently, that was too much for her enraged mind to listen to because she simply said, “Well then we got Region Free for nothing because we can’t fucking use it, then!”

Seriously. Her rage is just.... I get it. I want to be there for my wife. I want to support her and be the guy that helps her through her rough emotions. But… for Christ sake. She has such a weird emotional response system. She doesn’t show love, she doesn’t show happy… but rage, anxiety, sorrow… those she’ll wear and fucking permanently attach herself to.

Well, what an end to the night/tantrum. As we are preparing a home cooked meal for Saturday night, I decided to take some time to chop onions, cut celery, coin carrots… do most of the prep. Meanwhile, as I’m cutting… I see Wife storm out of the bedroom, grab a hammer, and storm back to the bedroom. ALARM BELLS! Technically, I suppose I should have just… let her go do whatever. If she needed help, ruined her night more, got into trouble… that’s on her. However… she’d already made the evening very uncomfortable for our guest so I wanted to limit the continuing tantrum and rage expressions. I chased after her because… hammer in the bedroom? She was going to town on the bedframe. Asked me to lift the mattress.... actually the bedspring, mattress, blankets… everything. So I had that lifted… for ten minutes. While she smashed the wooden bedframe with the hammer because (apparently) her pillow was falling between the headboard and the mattress. When she couldn’t fix it, and made the problem worse, she decided we needed a new bedframe. Finally I was able to let the bedstuff down… lots to keep lifted especially after a day with Drylands and Swimming.

Apparently, she realized how much that took out of me (and the time away from our guest and food prep) because when I went back out to the kitchen, she accompanied and volunteered to peel carrots. Then she said she’d mince the garlic tomorrow and went to bed.

I mean… I’m glad she peeled the carrots so that I could cut them. I’m glad she volunteered to mince the garlic. But still? Her rage-tantrums are… exhausting. And her (as usual) behavior disrupting and ruining any social time? Yeah. I just have to consider… 3 Rage Tantrums or Carrots? lol

I’m gonna go ahead and publish this. I should still review my therapy stuff and reflect/write on that but… as I said… dealing with Wife’s rage tantrums was exhausting. So I’ll call it a night.

Last updated April 28, 2018