Wednesday and a Song in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

So… it isn’t news that people were convinced in High School that I was gay. I was thin, I wasn’t “macho,” I loved music and the theater, I adored Broadway, and I looked great in a dress (oh, theater!) Add to that the fact that I was well known as someone who openly rejected the puberty-push for sex, performed at any given chance, and danced whenever I could? In a time of life and a time in our country where Surface Stereotypes were as deeply as people wanted to go… I’m not surprised that so many people I once knew thought I was gay.

At the same time though… I really wanted to find someone I could take to shows. The idea of being able to take a date to the Symphony, Broadway Shows, the Opera? I loved that thought. A good musical pulls at the soul in a unique way. As a child, whenever I was overcome with emotion and couldn’t express it? I’d sing. Many times walking home from school, I’d just break into song that I made up on the spot… nothing brilliant but like… “Nobody gets it, they all just stare
a book, some juice, and a comfy chair
That’s all I need to be at school
why the rush to prove who’s cool
I don’t need your smile or your nod
but I so badly want it, dammit God
Find yourself, make some friends
but it doesn’t start before it ends”

and then just.... on and on like that. It is one of the big reasons why, growing up, when people said “I don’t get musicals. Why would people just break out into song?” I was somewhat aghast. Truly? Other people didn’t feel so deeply that words alone were insufficient?

I haven’t seen a live show or musical in… hrm. I saw some in Law School with some friends, so that was good. I need to do that again. I need to just buy tickets and ask who wants to come. Because my wife doesn’t. She often says that she doesn’t understand what the appeal is. Of course she does. Of course I married someone who doesn’t get how music is the language of the soul. But that is on me. After what I’d experienced… I wanted someone who wasn’t as hot/cold… but numb isn’t much better. Especially when you share so few common interests.

Anyway, I was listening to Broadway on Spotify as I was doing House Chores today and “Spring Awakening” came on. I had never heard of this musical! Don’t get me wrong, I was familiar with the play… but had never heard that they’d made it into a musical. Especially good news as Music by Duncan Sheik. In the late 90s, I loved his album. And between Spring Awakening and Wicked, I was quickly reminded of how well music/musicals can express things.

Today has mostly been… nothing. I set an alarm to wake up because I’m worried that sleeping in is making it harder to sleep at night. One of the reasons it is harder to sleep at night. Woke up, made sure to take my Fibro Pill, and went to the couch. A lawyer friend of mine sent me a job advertisement. Her firm is hiring for the midwest division. But the office is in Kansas City. A big city (comparatively) and not terribly far from Iowa Family. But unsurprisingly both Wife and Dad quickly said, “You’re not applying, are you?” In this case, no. I’m not. But not because of their discouragement. Wife and Dad both want me to stay precisely in Des Moines and no where else. That’s all well and good, but Iowa isn’t exactly teeming with opportunities… and Des Moines is already pretty overrun with Lawyers. I’m not sure what my chances really are but it would be nice if one of the two Attorney’s Offices called me back. Though… even though I am perfectly qualified for those roles? I also have to keep in mind the timing of it all. Current 3Ls become Bar Exam Takers in June and Lawyers in August or September. If either of the offices I applied to have a 3L intern, they’ll wait for those bar results in an attempt to hire the kid who already works for them. Which means… there is a fair chance that not only will I not be called but that I won’t even know for sure about it until late September. Which is too bad. The Eastern Iowa Job would have been good… high pay, good benefits, close to MBFITWW… and far enough from my current place that it would/could have been an acceptable spot for a trial separation (if things come to that.)

I played some Gems of War and Skyrim. I only have 2% left to finish in that game but it is a long grind. I have to level my character to past 70 and then kill a Legendary Dragon and that’s done. However, my character is presently only a level 41… so that will be a long grind. Then I can finally put that game away beaten. It has taken… a long time, all told. But then, maybe, I can try to improve my shitty Overwatch Skills and start playing either Persona 5 or Root Letter.

As this is my space, I won’t be coy or euphemistic. After I stopped playing video games, I jerked off. Not out of boredom or out of a sexy conversation or something (times where I have wanked in the past) but instead as an act of giving up. I know married couples who have sex once a month… I know married couples who have sex once a week… I know married couples who have sex once a day. I honestly feel like a complete shit, a misogynistic caveman, a perverted horndog… but it is something that weighs on me. I don’t know of a way to say it to Wife that won’t start a fight or cause some sobbing uproar from her but… the truth, if I’m being honest, is that “We’re friends and good room mates. But that’s it.” And frankly, from that perspective? Wife treats me better than most of the friends or room mates I’ve ever had in my life.

I continued my day with chores and music. Empty the Dishwasher, do the dishes from last night (even though I cooked dinner), load the dishwasher, check e-mail. As I haven’t had contact w/Buffy or her husband recently, I sent them a note via Facebook to say “Miss you, love you, congrats on Baby Number 2”. She responded saying I am more than welcome to come for a visit and that they’ll be in town this summer and we should spend some serious time together. I’ll look forward to it, though I know Wife won’t. Not because Buffy is a former girlfriend but because Buffy and her husband are quite genuinely the best people in the world. They are in their early 30s, have two children, adore their jobs, make decent money, and volunteer for charity and church all the time. In other words, two wholesome, good-hearted adults successfully living their lives. Anytime Wife is around someone like that, she turns the whole thing inward (because of course she does). It isn’t “celebrating others” it is “feeling bad about herself.” Knowing people doing well doesn’t register as “People of whom I could ask advice or favors” it registers as “People who make me feel like I’m not accomplishing enough.” I imagine Wife would balk at the expense but I’m tempted to go out for a visit solo. Just enjoy my friends, their family, and Colorado without Wife for a few days. I really should. Just… I know it would be a hard sell. Then I sent a letter to Jane. I haven’t hung out with her or her husband in months, either. Again… Wife is judgmental. They have never been the cleanest of people but with baby, cat, and a dog… their house is crammed with stuff. So Wife never wants to go over to their place. As they have a baby, I don’t usually call to invite them to our place because… that would be a hassle for them. Baby plus Baby Chair and Baby Bag and Baby Toys and… it isn’t fair to ask them to bring over Babies R Us just because Wife can’t stand their house. So, I’m trying to set a time where we could all get together at a restaurant instead. Fingers crossed there. Going through my Personal Narrative has really reminded me… I really didn’t have friends in High School… not really… so the fact that Buffy and Jane still even talk to me I consider a super lucky break. Not that College was any better. I don’t have anyone I still talk to from college. When I think about it, it is kind of sad. I’ve been on earth for almost 34 years. I have had 8 jobs in my life, been involved in every lots and lots of “extra curricular activities” and still.... From birth to College Graduation… there are only two people I am still actively in contact with, from my Best Buy Days I am in contact with only two people, from Law School… only 1. So… I don’t do the social thing very well, but when I get a good one, I try to hold onto ‘em.

Then I started my Better Help Therapy stuff. Which was a lot. But I discovered a Cognitive Distortion that pretty much screams ME. “Magnification or Minimization.” YUP. Magnifying my own shortcomings in my head while minimalizing my own wants and needs? Fuck yeah. That was… a big therapy session, actually. Dealt a lot with assertive vs. passive… over analyzing every thought… never giving my emotional responses credit… and struggling with being made a lesser priority too many times. Lots to process. I just hope the Therapist can be helpful. Yeah, it is good to discuss this stuff and realize it… but I’m a solutions kind of uy. And I want/like solutions. And when it comes to living a healthy life as far as mind, heart, and spirit? I could use solutions. You guys are great and never think that I don’t give your input TONS of credit and trust. But I’m funny this way. I know that as I read any of you, I don’t often do so with “Professional” hat on… I do so with “Friend” hat on. Friend hat is good because there is compassion, encouragement, identification, trust, and support. Professional hat is something different that is colder, more focused, and less likely to “coddle”.

AAaaaand… I just did 600 yards. Yay! So… while I I may not be losing weight as fast as I want to and while I may not be looking more attractive yet… I am at least staying on track with fitness goals like “show up to gym” and “get to 1200 yards a week by the end of April.” So. Yay that. That being said… I may ask Wife to cook tonight. Who knows if she’ll agree but I’m really not in a mood to cook and those 600 yards certainly made me tired.

I may try to write the letter to Wife’s therapist tonight. I definitely want to write it and I don’t want to just put it off until I run out of time. Of course… Wife didn’t have her therapist this week. Apparently, her therapist gave her an assignment of “listening to her body” and gave her an extra week to work on it. I’m not an expert but… again… not quite sure that her therapist is really keyed in to what’s going on with her.