key word "witness" title "in search of a forever home" in misc. flash fiction

After five years as an alien abductee, I’ve a lot more sympathy for house-pets, I’ll give you that much for free. When I went months without seeing another person, just the big ugly things that would walk me and feed me and laugh when I tried to understand what the hell they were up to, yes, I would excitedly “bark” at the other human as well. I’d yell and scream and wag my whole body with excitement when I would witness another one like me, hoping for someone to figure out how to escape with or just talk to, it was so damn lonely going between my little house and the extraterrestrial living room forth and back again, I suppose it drove me a little bit crazy. It drove us all a little bit crazy, I’m afraid.

I never was able to work up a conversation with any of the others, sadly, even when the gigantic things brought us together to the human parks to run around on play-dates, as it turned out none of the other captives spoke English. Whether on accident or purpose, I don’t know which, I was the only one from America or Britain or Australia or whatever so attempts to coordinate a break-out plan ended in us confusedly yelling at each other and oh, how the aliens laughed. It took me months to realize that low gurgling sound was how the things laughed but once I parsed it out, the sound was a bit less scary and a lot more humiliating to hear. Dehumanizing, really.

I wonder if that’s how it is for dogs too, if poodle barks and mastiff barks and so on are all just different dialects of dog so they can’t understand each other, hence why they always just end up frantically screaming, occasionally ending in a fight or confused fretful sex. As it ended for me, a few times I’ll admit, trying to interact with humans speaking French or whatever. Some confused yelling then a clumsy scrap or maybe awkward copulation just to make a human connection with another, you know, actual human.

Eventually, I guess they determined that I was too much of a trouble case, too poorly-behaved, too difficult to train and so they sent me back here to rejoin those of us useless to them, even if the alien kids think we’re so funny and cute at first. Laughing that weird throaty gurgling laugh the aliens all do at any age.

Because that’s the message I return with: Earth’s just one of many pet shelters and, on balance, one of the less reputable ones. That’s why we’re ruining the Earth, that’s why we’re so bad at helping each other, we’re just ill-tempered playthings left to breed on a big blue puppy mill in the hopes that a few of us will be worth keeping around as adorable little companions for the great gurgling gods up there beyond the stars. That’s all that we are. Are you really surprised?

Last updated June 10, 2018