Butterflies. in Diary

So Eli left a couple of weeks ago now. As predicted, I was a mess. He’ll be back in 6 months. Maximum. His American visa only allows him to stay out there for 6 months. Even though I knew he’d be back soon enough, him leaving that day was more or less the end of it. Like, for real. Time to move on kind of end.
However with how I was feeling then and there it didnt really feel like that would be any time soon and that I needed to take my time rather than trying to force the issue by trying to date again. So I made the decision to delete the dating app I’d been using. Again. I didnt feel ready for it and felt like I’d be wasting anyone I meet’s time because my head and heart weren’t going to be in it. I wasnt really talking to anyone much anyway and I’d also decided to throw it in with internet dating on the whole because it gets tedious when its the same thing over and over again: Good banter with someone, start to flirt a bit, meet up and its nothing like you were expecting. I try go into those dates with zero expectations but you cant help it sometimes.

Funny how you can feel something so strongly and it consumes you and you feel like the feeling will never go away - and then a couple of days later it barely crosses your mind. I think I was PMS-ing at the same too which is never an ideal situation since I tend to over-analyse everything and become irrational at that time of month.

Before I deleted the dating app I decided to give my number to a guy I had been talking to for a while. I almost didnt. I was just going to delete the app and be on my way. Whats the point, right? It’ll probably end the same way its ended with everyone (well, most) people I’ve met up with - a date, maybe two, decide no, have to cut down the frequency of contact and hope it fizzles out without having to tell them you’re not interested. Bring on normal dating! Like meeting someone while you’re out and getting the first impression then and there.
I’ve met one other guy from Bumble (most of my horror dates have come from other dating apps). The date went well but toward the end I got a bit bored. I saw him again the next day though and was bored again and there were no sparks or chemistry at all.

Anyway, so we’d been texting back and forth for a while. I dont think I ever initiated a conversation with him. Ever, actually haha. I was on my way home from work and he asked if I was up to anything and if I wanted to meet him for a drink.
So I went. I didnt bother to get changed or re-do my make up. I think I might have combed my hair because it looked a bit stringy.
Like I said, I dont get excited about these things and I go in with no expectations.

We-helllllll...... He didnt really look like his photos was my first reaction, but not in a bad way. It wasnt awkward at all but I have been on plenty of dates where its not (totally) awkward. But as time wore on I found myself.... I dunno… like, smiling on the inside or something. I was so caught off guard by the way I was feeling! I couldnt wipe the smile off my face the entire drive home!

He had a funeral to attend the next day so I didnt expect to hear from him, but I did. He was going to stay in Sydney but he decided not to and came home. And then with little to no convincing needed I ended up going to his house (in my pyjamas lol) to watch Aladdin with him.
I was literally about to get into bed when he suggested me coming over to watch a Disney movie and I had initially said “another time” but then I thought.... what am I going to regret more? Getting a couple of hours less sleep or not getting to have a second date watching a bloody Disney movie?!

This is how it usually happens, isnt it? You decide to give up and then BOOM! You’re acting like a 16 year old girl with a crush.
He gives me butterflies. I havent felt that in so long. We’re going on a date tomorrow night and I actually feel nervous.