This may be inappropriate in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

This may be entirely inappropriate, which is why I’m making this a Friend’s Only Entry. But this is me speaking here. If I just swallow everything up, I’ll.... well, shit, friends… if I continue to simply swallow things for my entire life, then nothing would change. Because I’ve mostly been swallowing things up until now. That’s just… the my Mom in me. In fact… I’ve said this about my wife but it is also true of me..... in some ways… I am the worst parts of my parents. That is why, true story, I’ve stated that my brother and I are very much Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito in Twins.... and both my mother and wife have agreed with me. While my brother is strong, tall, and “attractive”… I am short, unattractive, and far more likely to be running a scam. Couldn’t make this up if I wanted to… and who would want to?! Sorry to make sure I connect the dots for everyone… to bridge my previous statements: If I am “the worst parts of my parents” then my brother is the best parts of my parents. If I am my Father’s fears and doubts and my Mother’s weaknesses and faults… my Brother is their strengths. AND that actually checks out pretty well.

Sorry… I went on a tangent there because tonight? Well… it wasn’t the best night as far as things are concerned.

Item 1: Flirting
Apparently… that’s off limits with my wife. I tried to engage her in flirting of every variety of which I am aware. She said it was stupid, silly, dumb, weird, and meaningless.... and called me a spazz.

Item 2: Flirtatious Contact
Apparently… there is now a list of physical things I am not allowed to do. These things include nibbling of any kind, licking of any kind, and biting of any kind. In other words… anything my mouth can do besides a closed mouth kiss is unwanted. What. The Fuck? Am I in fucking High School again?!

Item 3: This Isn’t New
This isn’t new… this is just repeating what I have already clearly and repeatedly been told by my wife.... there are only TWO acceptable sexual interactions where intercourse actually happens. The first and preferred is Missionary. The second and most objected to is Cow Girl. Anything else will not be discussed, considered, or allowed.

Item 4: This isn’t new either
This isn’t new either… this is just repeating what I have already been clearly and repeatedly told by my wife… any sexual contact outside of the previously discussed rules are prohibited. No oral, no hand jobs, no anal. (Personally… I don’t give a shit about anal. Never have, never will. Fuck, I was one of the guys out there supporting the Greek Concept with a twist.. if you’re fucking someone’s ass… wellllllllll. But no. I’m just saying… no oral, no fucking hand work?! What. The Fuck?

Personally… most of that wasn’t new but still hurt and pisses me off. The thing that bothered me the most? The thing that sent me over the fucking edge? Item 2. Seriously? Is my mouth fucking toxic? Am I fucking hideous?

And yes… that last one IS a trigger for me. Before I met Wife? I genuinely and honestly referred to myself as “Quasimodo.” One of the big things I still struggle with? ANY time I think, “God Damn, Chris… you’re a monster.” I have to take a minute. Because I’m not saying that because of some awful activity I did. I’m saying that because it is my God damn default! Thinking myself hideous… unlovable… monstrous is my long term fucking default! I’m not kidding. Seriously. When I was in elementary school and was allowed to select the “word to add to spelling bees” I wrote down “monstrous.” TRUE STORY! Shortly before I met Wife? I was told to find an apartment system that could house myself and 4 others. I found a 3 apartment suite. That suite was to be divided by room for costs. All 4 teamed up. Adam and Red called dibs on the cheap room. Neil and Jim called dibs on the room with walk-in closet. I was left holding the bag on the room that cost twice as much… in the top tower… literally. I was the monster in the fucking tower when Wife met me! So the near constant....

Okay… I don’t know how to write this best. THIS is my constant:

Wife is sitting on the couch watching TV or ignoring me via phone game. I come around behind her and kiss her on the cheek. She asks,” What’s wrong with you?”
or
Wife is sitting on the couch watching TV or ignoring me via phone game. I sit next to her and kiss her on the neck. She says, “God. Why?”
or
Wife is sitting on the couch watching TV or ignoring me via phone game. I sit next to her and lick her neck. She says, “Ew. Ew. EWWWW! What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you always trying to use your tongue?! Fuck, EW EW EW!”

LITERALLY all of those things have happened. And… I have been asking Wife about being asexual or lesbian for a long time.... seriously… trying desperately to prove to her that if she’s honest with me and herself… we’d all be happier. I don’t want her being miserable. I’m… empathetic… compassionate.... caring. If being in a marriage with me upsets her? I want her the fuck gone. For both our sakes. If she doesn’t want a relationship that involves sex? I fucking promise you that she’d be happier elsewhere. I’m not a nymphomaniac.... just a sad sack of shit that was raised with allegedly fucked up sexual ethics. Those fucked up sexual ethics? I was… tragically, aggressively forced to think that Abstinence was required. Seriously. How many 7 year olds do you know are required to go to 3 day seminars twice yearly on “How to be a good Christian husband!” Cuz that was me. Also known as.... even if I wasn’t sexually assaulted in my history… even if High School didn’t tell me constantly that I was probably Gay… I would still be mostly focused on whomever I loved’s sexual satisfaction. Also known as… if I was married to anyone that actually actively connected to their own desires, I would do whatever it took to be the King of their needs.

And this is where it gets complicated. Due to my previous abstinence… I want to be the sexual superstar of my paramour’s world. Due to my… lascivious libido, I want to explore all the possibilities of life with.... my bride… whomever is willing to have sexual interaction with me. INSTEAD.... I have my wife. A woman who.... when we met.... told me that she loved Martial Arts, Sci Fi, Video Games, and Sex. And yet? DID NOT LIVE UP TO THAT. I mean… for fuck’s sake. If we had sex all of 10 times in our first 12 months together (at best) how shitty was the guy she was living with? As opposed to fucking god damned now. Where we’re lucky as hell if we have sex 5 times a year. AND… painful as this is to admit… when I say “sex” I mean.... ANY action which results in an orgasm. My orgasm. Her orgasm. Whichever. Provided somebody cums.... I count it. So.... there are a lot of “times counted” where.... I’ve been left fucking blue ball wondering if anyone gives a shit about my emotional, mental, spiritual, or sexual well being.

Fucking.

Sucks.