Rotations in Inside My Head

Rotations 4/20/2008

So I began rotations September 4, 2007. They didn’t start well. My family practice rotation was with a doctor who liked to make his employees and students feel like crap. I wasn’t a fan of the rotation. One of the last days of the rotation the schedule was changed but the PA Melissa didn’t tell me. So I show up at the office at the time I usually did and the secretary informs me that I should’ve been as the office hours earlier and that the office is now closed. I informed her that I wasn’t told of any such changes. Luckily enough I lived only five minutes from the office, but still…I was pissed. I was even more pissed to find out that the PA complained to the doctor that I didn’t show up even though she suspected I wasn’t aware of the change in the schedule. This incident was brought up during my evaluation at the end of the rotation by the doctor. It kind of pissed me off and wasn’t the best way to end the rotation. He gave me a really good grade, but still…it wasn’t a positive experience.

My second rotation was actually worse. I had pediatrics at Winthrop, which ended up being a complete waste of time. The residents and doctors didn’t even know that PA students were coming and didn’t assign us any work to do. We were expected to pull 5 12-our shifts, just like the medical students, but did absolutely nothing with us. I found out from a classmate that she went down to the peds ER and worked with some Pas down there. The Pas were nice enough, but I was basically politely ignored. After all, they didn’t sign up to be my preceptor…I wasn’t allowed to write in charts or see patients on my own. It was just a general waste of time and I ended up working maybe 2 8-hour shifts a week.

The third rotation in long term care was slightly better, but not by much. The doctor I was with was nicer than the first doctor I worked with, only this doctor was much much weirder. He practiced psychiatry more than internal medicine. When I mentioned to him that my blood pressure always jumps up a little bit before going into seeing a patient (as it should, as a newly minted student on rotations), he told me I should consider anti-depressants. That, and the other offices I was sent to during the rotation were a complete waste of my time. I didn’t show up to them after awhile because I was so sick of rotations that were completely worthless.

Finally, my fourth rotation was a rotation I actually enjoyed going to…It was my ER rotation, and one of the ones I was most afraid of. The doctors I worked with were for the most part really nice and I learned a lot in terms of procedures. I was with two classmates and a Hofstra student, which made the rotation a lot of fun. I found out that NUMC also takes students from my school for surgery rotations. Since I was really dreading going back to Winthrop for surgery, I made plans with the head PA to let me come to NUMC for surgery. One of the students at my school was doing her surgery rotation at NUMC while I was in ER, and she made the rotation sound great. Since I was having a pretty good time in the ER I figured surgery would be much of the same.

After leaving surgery I did my OB/GYN rotation with one of the students I was in in my ER rotation. This rotation was a lot less fun. I didn’t see any deliveries, some of the residents were downright rude, most of the patients didn’t speak English, and one of the doctors kept spouting out comments like “You can’t live on LI and raise a family for less than 150k.” Well, that’s a real fucking problem for me, since Pas generally don’t make 150k…There was another resident who worked in pediatrics there who also made stupid fucking comments. She married a hedge funds manager, and felt compelled to constantly talk about how much money they had. It was pretty stressful to listen to her. I mean, I’m praying Mike can find a job that pays him 60k and she’s busy talking about her husband who “only makes in the low millions.” In terms of hours, the rotation couldn’t be beat, which is probably why I didn’t hate it as much as I could have.

Then I went into surgery..

So I began my surgery rotation on March 17. It started off like most of my previous rotation--I was stressed out and had no idea what I was doing. We followed around the surgical PA but didn't do anything much really. Nick, a classmate of mine, and I were supposed to get a class that taught us how to scrub, but the nurse put it off for a week until the two of us finally just walked into an OR and asked the scrub nurse for help. The scrub nurse was very cool--she taught us in about 10 min the proper way to scrub and we spent most of the week taking turns going into surgeries.

The following week, we were told that 11 medical students were coming into the rotation as well, which made my blood pressure spike. During my ER rotation we had to work with 8 medical students, who basically took over and spent the week insulting us...Apparently, a high school can become a PA, according to them...

Anyway, so one of the residents switched me to the trauma team, which pissed me off. I really realy wanted to learn how to suture and I knew the residents in gneral surgery would teach me. But I got switched to trauma, which is kind of a waste because you sit around all day and just wait for a trauma to be called. If no traumas are called that day, it was basically a waste of my time to even bother coming in. The other problem was that there wasn't enough pagers to go around, so I couldn't even get paged when there was a trauma. Two out of the three students on the trauma team were actually really nice and after a few days of being with them, I stopped being as miserable. I also met a friend, who I'll call Rabbi, who I recognized seeing when I was in my ER rotation. He was in surgery then, and I always saw him with my old classmate who originally told me about NUMC's surgery rotation. We became pretty close friends, and the rotation seemed to keep getting better.

One day of of the medical students and my buddy on the trauma team, George, told me that a bunch of medical students were going out to lunch and would I like to come. I said yes, absolutely thrilled that I got invited to something, and we both went up to the surgical floor so I could get my jacket. On the way out one of the residents, who I'll call D, stopped me and said, "So you're done for the day?" I was embarrassed because he asked me in front of another resident, but also because it really did look like I was leaving early. So I tried to quickly explain to him that I was just going out to get lunch and trued to exit off the floor as fast as possible.

Lunch was good...I had fun with the med students and got to try Indian food for the second time since I was sixteen. I finally started enjoying my second of six rotations. The next day a trauma was called, and while in the trauma room the same resident, D, asked me again where I went the other day. I thought he was just giving me a hard time and once again I tried to explain to him I just went out for a little while out to lunch. He just shrugged it off and said, I don't care." Well, if you don't fucking care, then why are you asking??!! The next day I showed up to breast clinic, and guess who was there? The same resident. He informed me that he was mad at Gerald, the surgical PA, and since Gerald wasn't around, he was going to take his frustration out on me. I laughed nervously and said, Please don't do that, I would be sad. Besides, why are you mad at Gerald?" So he explains to me that apparently Gerald doesn't answer pages and generally slacks off with his work. I was really nervous about him being serious about taking his frustrations out on me so I tried to be extra helpful and productive with seeing patients. He was actually really nice to me for the rest of the day.

Anyway, so that following Sunday I had my first 24-hour shift. I was originally supposed to have it on Monday but Nick needed to switch with me because he had a family emergency. I often wonder what would've happened had we not switched shifts...Anyway, so I go in at 6am on Sunday and who's there? That's right, D. I started doing rounds with him and the other interns. Keep in mind that I'm a student on her surgery rotation, one of the most stressful rotations we have, and I'm doing my first 24-hour shift. You'd best believe I'm going to be super nice to whichever resident is in charge of me since they can technically make my life hell for the next 24 hours. So when D was being nice to me I was really happy. He kept making some odd comments like "I'm glad you're on my team for the day," and repeatedly would ask me "(Artist's last name)..how you doin'?" I honestly thought he was just being a wise ass surgical resident and didn't see it as hitting on me.

He took me downstairs to the ICU where he had me write up one of his notes. I really tried to make my note look good because I really wanted him to think I was smart...the residents' opinions were really important to me and I wanted them to like me. he looked at my note and said "This is really good. Your note is better than most med students." I was so happy...I really thought that he thought I was smart. So we headed back upstairs where he met up with the interns and asked them if they wanted to go to breakfast. they declined, but D motioned to me and I simply followed him to the elevators. I felt a little uncomfortable eating breakfast with a resident by myself since I had no clue what we would talk about, but again...he's a resident and therefore much higher up on the food chain than a lowly PA student, so I listened to whatever he told me to do.

So we go to the cashier to pay for our food, and he insists on paying for mine, which I thought was nice. We're sitting at the lunch table bullshitting about nothing important, and I was starting to relax. I asked him how his oatmeal was and he replies, "It's soft and sweet..like you." I had no idea what to do except smile awkwardly...Again, he's the resident...what was I supposed to do?? So I ask him what we're supposed to be doing for the rest of the day and he says "Nothing." I thought he was joking so I said, "Anything else besides nothing?" So he replies, "You can go upstairs and study..or you can watch tv with me." I liked he idea of not sitting by myself in the call room all day, and there was a tv in the residents' lounge, where I assumed we were going. So we start to leave the hospital and I got confused...I wasn't sure if it was rude or not to ask where he was taking me, so I said nothing. Finally as we started o head to the residents' apartment complex I realized he was taking me to his apartment. I had no idea what to do, but I tried to maintain calm and poised. I mean, if I started telling him I wanted to go back, I would feel stupid.

For the first half an hour or so I sat by myself on a chair while he sat on the loveseat adjacent to me. He kept to his word; we just watched dumb movies like Bride of Chucky and some other random movies. Then he says, "Come sit by me." Ummm...fuck. What do I do now..? I didn't ant to say flat-out no, so I said "Yeah..but I'm so tired and comfortable right now and I don't want to move." He repeated his request twice so I moved over next to him. I kept a pillow between us and was sitting as far on the end as possible. I prayed for the trauma beeper to go off. It didn't. D tells me, "Turn around so your back faces me." I asked him why, but he didn't answer. At that point I should've left. I know I should've left. I was dying to leave. Hindsight is 20/20 though. But I had stayed and did as he asked. He put his hand on the center of my back and pushed, so I leaned forward and side to side. He took his hand away. I turned around and looked at him and asked, "What were you doing..?" He smiled and said "Nothing." Now I'm thoroughly confused. A few minutes later he repeats his request, which I follow, because I'm a fucking moron. This time he takes hold of both of my arms and forces my upper body to lay in his lap. I was in his lap for maybe 2-3 seconds, stiff as a board and thoroughly scared and desperately wanting to cry. I rose up and moved to the opposite side of the couch as quickly as possible. I should've left. I should've told him that he was being inappropriate and that I was leaving. I didn't. I stayed on the end of the couch and stared blankly at the tv.

D apologized and even admitted that I looked like I was going to cry. I really really wanted to, I wanted to yell at him. I shook my head and smiled and said "Don't worry, it's OK." He apologized two more times, saying he was sorry he made me feel weird. At that point I started to think of ways to get out of there. My cell phone was in my jacket pocket and all of my stuff was still at the hospital. No one knew where I was. D went in the kitchen to get juice and I followed him, telling him I had work to do and that I had to go to the library. He informed me that the library was closed and that he had a computer upstairs that I could use. I said no and said I would find someone to unlock the library for me. I started rambling tht I had errands to do for my sister's wedding, and then started rambling about weddings in general. Anything to get his mind off of going upstairs. At that point he simply said "Artist..come upstairs." I should've told him to fuck himself. However, he was the resident in charge of me for the day and I was terrified of getting in trouble. Besides, how would it look for me that I went willingly to his apartment in the first place? So I did. I stayed in the study and tried to memorize my surroundings, in case anyone questioned me, like the cops. I had no idea what he was going to do and I really had to fight from sobbing. I felt stupid, like I was overreacting. After all, he apologized for being inappropriate earlier, right? I just wanted to go home. Finally I heard him snoring from his bedroom. I peeked in there twice to make sure he was really asleep. He seemed to be. I snuck downstairs as quickly and as quietly as possible and collected my stuff. I wrote him a quick note saying that I didn't want to wake him and that I went to study. I figured I couldn't get in trouble for something like that..I practically ran out of the apartment and jogged across the quad, looking over my shoulder every few seconds to make sure he wasn't behind me...I went to my car, made sure no one was anywhere near me, and called my sister to see if she would let me come over. I drove straight to her house when she answered and spent the day there.

I tried to study during the day but had a horrible time concentrating. I knew D would be on until 6pm...as long as no traumas were called, I could stay at Becca's house and not have to see him. D texted me once to see if I had gone to eat yet, but I didn't respond for an hour. I called him and asked him if any traumas were called, since my trauma pager was unusually silent. He told me no traumas were called and repeated his question if I had gotten food yet. I said no, that I was with my sister, and then told him I was close enough within range that the beeper would still work. I hung up the phone with him and tried to study.

If there is a God, s/he definitely has a sense of humor. The trauma beeper rang at 6:10. D wasn't in the trauma room and it turned out to be the only trauma of the night. I spent the rest of the night in the on-call room, sleeping fitfully. I didn't get any more calls from D. I thought that the whole thing would just pass over quickly...

The next day I had off, and luckily I didn't hear from D. I saw him that Tuesday morning when we had rounds. I tried very hard not to look at him because I wasn't quite sure how to act. I ended up accidentally catching his eye as he walked by. He gave me the "chin" (where a guy kind of just jerks his chin upwards...it's a guy's way of saying hello to someone he doesn't want to while trying to look cool) and I gave him a small smile/grimace. I felt horrible. The man is willing to put me in his lap, but can't say hello? I didn't do anything wrong and I felt terrible.

The rest of the day was uneventful until I went to clinic that afternoon. He passed through the hallway while I was writing up a chart. All of a sudden I hear him call my last name...I looked up and there he was. I admit, he's good-looking. Plus he has a fabulous body. And he's a doctor. He joked around with me a little bit about missing the trauma call by ten minutes. After he left I felt guilty about not liking him back. I mean, I always wish that Mike had more motivation and had a better paying job. Now, a handsome doctor who seems to be a pretty nice guy is hitting on me and I feel bad??? I mean, this is what I wanted, right?

So I texted D "Good job not showing up to clinic." I wonder what would've happened had I just never texted him. Maybe things would've just stayed as they were. Technically, it was my fault everything that happened next occurred because by texting him I showed D that I was in fact interested. Anyway, D texted me back later that night while I was picking up Chinese food with my mother. She kept asking me who I was texting, but I lied and said it was a friend. He asked me if he could invite me somewhere. When I asked where, he said anywhere I want. So I asked if he wanted to have breakfast with me after rounds...after all, it was the hospital cafeteria, where nothing bad could truly happen since it was so crowded.

So the next morning I met up with him after our conference for breakfast, but he got paged and had to leave. I sometimes wonder if it was another female (student or colleague) paging him. So he left, but before he did he asked if I wanted to get dinner with him, which I agreed to. As I watched him leave, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was having dinner with someone who was definitely not a friend, and who wasn't related to me, or dating me (ie--Mike). While I was at the library he texted me that I looked gorgeous. My heart jumped a little and I felt incredibly guilty for allowing myself to be that happy....

Later that day I was eating lunch with my friend Alex, who I met through one of the med students who was on the trauma team with me. He was in surgery while I was in my ER rotation and was a huge help when it came to learning the ropes of my current rotation. I don't remember how the conversation got started, but he mentioned that D was dating (or had dated) one of the residents while he (Alex) was doing the surgery rotation only a few weeks before. Alex also told me that while D was a nice resident to the students, he wasn't the type of person to get romantically involved with because he has the reputation of a player. Again, why I deserve everything that happened--I was told about D's reputation beforehand, and got involved with him anyway. My only reasoning was that Mike also had a bad reputation before he and I began dating, and he didn't live up to all the the bad things my friends told me about him. So I immediately texted D telling him that something came up and I couldn't meet him for dinner. I was near tears in the car...I don't know why, but I think I had started to like D a little.

He texted me back asking if I wanted to make it earlier, or on Friday. I had made up my mind to not respond. I actually stuck to it, for a little while. He texted me in the afternoon to ask how I was doing. I have no idea why, but I texted him back that I would be in the OR all day. Did I subconsciously want him to come to the OR? Maybe...probably. Why did I even fucking answer..?? So while I was in a surgery watching a laparoscopic cholecystectomy, guess who walked in? Yup, D did. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye..He was sitting on a table on the opposite corner of the room. I knew he was looking at me and I was trying to not look at him by keeping my back angled to him. He looked good though, I have to admit. I don't think I've ever had someone that good-looking pursue me. I mean, Mike is adorable with his blond hair, blue eyes and chubby face, but D is downright hot. I mean, dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, extremely muscular...and he liked me apparently. So he comes over to me and says, "You should sit down on the other side...you'll be able to see better." So I followed him to the other side and he sat down on the chair next to me. He asked me where I went yesterday and I lied (surprise!!) and said I had to go home and babysit my brother. He asked me how old my brother was and I said "16." He gave me an odd look. I know I'm a bad liar...You'd think that would make me want to lie less often...He asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him tonight and I said OK. So much for my resolution to not talk to him, huh? He left, but asked me to call him when I got out. I felt excited and incredibly fucking guilty. I knew D had a bad reputation, yet I was going with him to dinner. I knew Michael was eating dinner at home alone. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I should've told D long before that I had a boyfriend. I didn't though....why? I still don't know how to answer that question. Why I couldn't bring up the fact that I was in a relationship with Michael...

So I texted him when I was out and met him by the ICU. We snuck out of the building, since he was on-call and technically supposed to stay in the hospital. We went back to his apartment where he said he was going to get something. On the walk back I asked him about Anna, the resident he'd been dating. I asked him point-blank if he was still dating her. He admitted to dating her but said she was "weird" and that it had ended weeks ago. He asked me if I knew that he liked me. It was so sweet the way he said it. At the time I thought he really was being serious. He asked me why I left yesterday and I admitted to leaving early because I had heard that he was still dating her. He said he was glad I asked him. I really thought I was a good judge of character up until I met D...

So we got into his apartment and I was determined to stay as close to the door as possible. We were standing near his kitchen, when he asked for my hand. I gave it to him and he tugged so I would walk closer. He took me in both arms and kissed me. I was excited and wanted to cry at the same time. The first thought that ran through my head was "What are you doing to Michael??" Mike's name kept running through my head. As good-looking as D is, he's a shitty kisser. I was sort of disappointed. I mean, with that kind of reputation you'd think he's be better.

Anyway he kept stroking my face and hugging me. I didn't know what to do so I kept kissing him. He pulled me in his lap on a kitchen chair and asked me where I've been for all this time. I really thought with all the shit that he was spewing that he actually liked me. He asked me to go upstairs with him, but I said no. He said, not to worry that we wouldn't do anything bad. What was that old saying..? Oh yeah, curiosity killed the cat...

Nothing really did happen...we were in his bed kissing, but clothes remained on. We fell asleep and woke woke and went to a diner afterwards. It meant (I thought) that this was more than physical and we actually like talking to each other. Again, my judge of character when it came to D was way off. He went to the bathroom and I called my mother to lie (shocker..) and say that I was staying at the hospital late.

D dropped me off by my car, but kissed me before letting me out. He asked to see me again tomorrow. I can't lie; I was really flattered. I really thought he liked me. I agreed, and tried not to think of Mike on the drive back home.