Monday and Rocks in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

So last night I got exactly zero sleep.

Shortly after 10:00 last night, Wife went to bed. I followed into the bedroom but remained fully clothed. Wife asked me to retrieve several DVDs so she could select which one to fall asleep to. As I looked for these DVDs, she played games on her cell phone. I could not find the DVDs. She got up, found them, came back to the bedroom. I put one in and she quickly fell asleep. As she had spent a not insignificant portion of the evening explaining how she slept better without my snoring, I took that opportunity to take my leave to the guest room. Where I could not sleep. And could not sleep. AND could not sleep. So then I made that Explicit Content entry because… I kind of wanted to “explain myself” in a way where I felt most heard. That this isn’t… CK demands sex… and it isn’t CK ignoring marital conflicts. But more… I’ve felt for a long time now that I’m… not as important to this marriage as 1/2 of the marriage should be. It is a little complicated. Like… I could be angry and just think that Wife is a bitch. But I actually know she isn’t really. Like… the thing she does better than most other people is that… when she sets her mind to giving someone a gift… she always knows the absolute perfect thing to get them. That takes observation, caring, emotional intelligence. Because it isn’t “I’ll buy them the most expensive thing on their list” kind of gift giving… it is “What would they enjoy most?” So… it is within her to observe and care about others. Just… never me. As if the “two become one” part of the marriage ceremony triggered in her brain that such mathematics means I don’t have to be considered a separate entity or something.

But for whatever reason… I wrote that, put it out there. I would encourage people to read… comment… critique… tell me I’m a terrible person… do as you wish.

Around 6:30 am, I realized that Wife had not gotten out of bed yet. I checked her phone and all of her alarms had been turned off. So I woke her. Which was good because she needed to get up for her 6:36 alarm that wasn’t set. First thing she said? She asked me to make her an egg sandwich. I did. Of course. Then checked to make sure she had taken her morning pill as lately she’s been remembering to take it about 5 for every 7 days. While I was checking her pills, she told me that we cannot have televisions on in our house after 10 at night unless it is the television in the bedroom; otherwise she will continue to not go to bed at the proper time. I really should have said, but did not say, that she was in the bedroom at the proper time… she didn’t fall asleep because she was playing cell phone games… despite me repeatedly telling her to stop playing her cell phone game and go to sleep because otherwise she would be very tired in the morning. Yeah. After she got dressed and started heading towards the door to leave, she did remember to thank me for waking her. So, I am grateful she took the time to do that. But I do have to say… this morning’s behavior mixed with what I’ve already been thinking about? I think that somehow Wife is in, has been in, or is somehow afflicted by.... a genuine state of arrested mental development. She behaves so much like a high schooler in so many ways that it can be… uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, as she races to get to work on time, I’ve already got a load of laundry finished. I’ll admit (though this might be a dick thing to think).... in the back of my mind, I do wonder why there is still so much laundry to do if Wife just stayed home all weekend. BUT that being said… Wife deserves days off and days where she isn’t required to be productive and I am not discounting that. Thus… how I am able to have two thoughts at the same time that would otherwise disagree with each other. Again, though, that being said… my To Do List for the day certainly increased more than I was expecting.

Laundry and a shower and cleaning.
Errands and bill pay and exercise.
Home and cooking and cleaning.

As to my weigh in? 225.2 lbs. SO… I haven’t lost any since last week, but I haven’t gained any. And considering I do typically yo yo anywhere from 5 to 10 pounds… a week of consistent weight I’ll take as a good sign. Though… if I can’t drop to 220 or lower by next week, I’ll have to fine tune my approach a little.

Time after wife came home was… predictable? She arrived… I went to the grocery store. Almost exactly like my fantasy entry, lol. Tonight at home was mostly cooking and watching Agents of SHIELD. It is funny. Wife likes the show, I’m present to be the “chronicler.” Like… she gets into what’s going on and I get to be the “nerd historian” providing background commentary like, “Patrick Warburton’s character is Rick Stoner, the man who ran SHIELD prior to Nick Fury. At least in 616 and likely in 999 as well.”

For background, Marvel labels their multi-verse variations via 3 digit numbers (usually) and 616 is considered “Primary Comic Book Canon” whereas 999 is considered the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And frankly I’m at a point in my life where I’m not going to apologize for knowing that. I lived too long afraid to be a nerd… I was afraid of The World’s reaction and afraid of The Nerd Reaction.... always worried what others would think of me. That the World would criticize me as a nerd and that the Nerds would criticize me for not being as well informed as I should have been. Yeah… I know the difference between an X Wing and a Y Wing… and I can tell you why an X-Wing, though older, is a far superior craft to the standard TIE Fighter.... though I will always prefer a TIE Interceptor to any other similar craft. AND I actually get it when Nerds are dicks! I’m a huge fan of the “Emotional Spectrum as Source of Power” in the DC Universe. One time, my SIL asked “Is there even a difference when you say Red Lantern as opposed to Green Lantern?” I went on an admittedly over-excited description explaining the Spectrum Wars and all that… and she said, “This is why people hate nerds. The correct answer would have been ‘yes’ and then stop talking.”

Some interesting things about this evening....
I’ve realized… I do care about my Wife. As a friend, as family member… I do genuinely care for her.
She’s cute. Like… she hasn’t been hot for a long time because she’s chosen that… but sometimes she does get the hell out of her own way, and I see the cute girl I wanted to be friends with all those years ago.

An old recurring thought crept into my head today. As I considered what sex is normally like for us? As I considered Wife’s specific sexual history? As I considered everything? I began to think… it isn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility that my wife is gay. Especially considering that one of the things we both do (and appreciate) is the female human form as artwork. On a lark, I showed her two pictures of a woman I had just seen on-line. A beautiful woman to be certain! Wife looked at them almost spell-bound. Her exact words were “Wow. Yeah, I’d fuck her!” Thing of it is… I wouldn’t mind if she was gay. I love my wife, I care for her. If she came to me and said that she was a homosexual, I’d hug her… tell her that I’m happy she was accepting herself, tell her we’d file for divorce in order to free us both… and then ask her to still be in my life as a close friend. Because that is how it is. I do genuinely care about my wife. Even if she told me tomorrow that she thought I was too unattractive to be married to, I’d ask her to still be in my life as a friend and family member. In spite of myself… I do still enjoy her company for the most part.

I hugged her a lot today. No sexual connotations, just the hug of a friend and supporter. And I told her. Not explicitly. But I did let her know that… I appreciated her friendship and cared for her a great deal… and that (my exact words) “even if alien life visited our planet and you realized your sexual preference was 7 legged alien with a green penis, I’d still support you and love you and want to be your friend.” Granted… that’s a weird fucking thing to say to someone. And if my wife were a “normal person” there would probably be a lot of weird follow up questions. But my wife is painfully self-absorbed and had exactly zero things to say about it.

Several hours later, conveniently at almost exactly 10:00 central time… she picked a fight. We’re still trying to navigate the Insurance Market Place a bit. Some light background.... physically, my wife is rarely sick. But me? Wife’s issues are 100% mental. My issues are (allegedly) 80% physical. Growing up, she was never sick. Growing up, I’d miss a month of school standard due to high fevers. So when it comes to Insurance.... out of pocket maximums mean a LOT more to me than they do to her. She doesn’t remember discussing health insurance with her parents as a kid. I remember charting when we had spent our “out of pocket maximum” as a kid so I wouldn’t feel guilty for going to the doctor so much! So the fight? Wife said that we’re going to get the cheapest Market Place health care offer available. I asked if she’d read the different options. She had not. I stated we should get the MID range as that was safest considering all possible futures. This got her very angry and she started yelling. Honestly… don’t know why she went 0 to 60 so fast. Even specifically stopped the conversation to expressly ask, “Are you this mad at me saying mid range or is something else going on?” Nope. She was very adamant. She was that mad because we disagreed on what kind of insurance coverage we should get. Wow. Seems… a little disproportionate? It became this huge deal. Still not sure what it was about. Either she really was THAT upset that we disagreed… or she’s THAT worried about money… or something is going on that she doesn’t want to talk about. Either way… it was a fight… the delayed her getting to bed at 10 (when she started the fight) so she didn’t get to bed until 10:30/11:00. And yes… part of me is considering the idea that perhaps the entire fight was simply a way for her to “rebel” against going to bed when she knows she should have in order to wake up tomorrow and again blame me for not feeling rested.

Before anyone points out the obvious… I selected that image intentionally. Wife may blame everyone else for her life but it also applies to me. I won’t necessarily say that I’ve exactly ruined my own life but… I’m certainly not where I want to be.

If I’m smart… or disciplined… I’d say expect my Prosebox space to take three shapes in the coming immediate future:

(1) Expect the Explicit Content Book to grow considerably.
(2) At some point, I’ll cover all the DC Animated Universe Properties I own in a review fashion… if for no other reason than to write about a passion and out myself as an even bigger nerd.
(3) A lot more entries in general, really.

OH… many may not remember this but.... one of my first PB Etiquette questions was “If you discovered someone you knew IRL on Prosebox; what would you do?”

In keeping with my original statement… to now… I’ve continued to actively and intentionally NOT read anything the IRL Individual wrote. But… and perhaps this is a sign of things becoming more serious in my PB.... I have written a draft message to that person stating “I know you have PB… just wanted to say I’m not reading your stuff, just wanted to ask you for the same courtesy.”

Though… I say written a draft message and… that certainly doesn’t mean I’ve decided whether I should send it or not.