A Familiar Place... (Part 1) in Life as I know it...

Every other Wednesday I pay a visit to a very familiar place. I go to see my psychologist at the psychiatric clinic that I've been admitted to twice. This is the same psychiatric clinic where I met my almost-fiance about 2 and a half years ago. We shall refer to her as "J". This is not my ex who recently broke up with me due to not being able to cope with a long-distance relationship. No, this was before her time. J and I had something incredibly special, a bond I don't think many people get to experience, but getting into a relationship with somebody you met at a psychiatric clinic is something one must do with great care and each party has to be responsible for their own illness and not become dependent on the other.

This was my 1st 3 week stay at this particular clinic, my 2nd in total. It is an amazing place that has helped me so incredibly much and even saved my life. I cannot think of a better place for somebody who is suffering from a mental illness to go. I had already been there for 2 weeks and was approaching my last week. I was sitting outside on the bench with 2 other guys while having a cigarette when I briefly saw a blonde haired girl walk through the entrance. I only saw her from behind. I kept on chatting and smoking, as new patients entering the clinic is a common occurrence.

The visiting hours at night were always very uncomfortable for me. It was from 6pm to 8pm. I preferred not to have any visitors as my relationship with my mom was very strained and she was a small reason of why I ended up there in the first place. I would usually just go sit somewhere and listen to my music and do my "homework". This particular night I decided to complete my life story. Every patient had to complete one and read it in front of their sub-group. Mine was already waaaaay to long, closing in on 50 pages. I decided to go get a spot in the lounge before too many visitors arrive. I took my notepad, my cellphone and my headphones and headed to the lounge.

The first thing I saw when I stepped into the lounge was a beautiful blonde girl who just lit up the entire room. She radiated kindness and warmth. She was sitting at a table with a friend who was visiting her and we locked eyes. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest, I immediately felt that this girl was someone very special. We looked at each other for a while and I darted off too the couch furthest away to go write, but I was struggling due to being so flustered. If there was ever anything such as "love at first sight", then that was it. J later told me that after our brief encounter she immediately turned to her friend with her mouth open, her friend saying "Don't you even think about it." Shortly thereafter I went back up to my room and kept thinking about her until I fell asleep.

The next morning when I went down to go get some breakfast, I was very anxious. My eyes were darting around, on the search for this girl. I was so nervous about possibly running into her. I had my breakfast, took my shower, saw my psychiatrist and then went to the first group to start the day. The patients were divided up into 3 smaller groups called "support groups" who would generally attend all the groups together except for one or two where the whole clinic was present. I was the leader of my group seeing as everybody found me very charismatic and intelligent for some reason. I think we were in group A. Every time a new patient would arrive, they would be taken for orientation during this period and the schedule and stuff would be explained to them.

After the group I went to the counselors' office to go check the daily program and see where we need to be at what times. As I turned around the corner to go look at the board, BAM! There she was, doing the same thing. She dropped her file (How cliche is that?) and I stumbled to pick it up and handed it back to her. I could feel that my face was going red. The first thing I stuttered was "Hi, my name is Adriaan", to which she replied "Hi, my name is her name." The next thing I blurted out was "What school did you go to?" (WTF??). She replied and asked me the same. After the first awkward encounter I headed off to my first group. Fuck, she was in my group. I would be sharing my deepest, darkest secrets, painful memories and life stories with her and she would be doing the same.

As the days went by, I got more comfortable with her being around in groups and was sharing as usual. We started to spend some time together and found out that we had so much in common. Even the weird stuff, she loved documentaries about serial killers just like me, she loved watching cooking shows and she loved damn near everything that I did. We were getting along so well and I thought about her every night. During my last two days is when I started to relax completely around her. The one night I was showing her some pages on wikipedia about serial killers and stuff. I was called to go to the nurse for the nightly check up, to see how we were doing etc. So I gave my phone to her and said that I'd be right back. We spent the rest of the night just chatting until it was bed time. I would see her when I would go to get my medication at night. She was always wearing her pink robe and I always thought she looked so fluffy and adorable in it. I just wanted to pick her up and hug her.

During my last day, we had one group session together. She came in a bit late and was wearing a oversized grey hoody. My God, she looked so incredibly beautiful. I wanted to go up to her right there and then and plant a kiss on her lips. She made me feel so warm and special. After the farewell ceremonies, everybody who was leaving that week would usually exchange numbers with the people they were close to and give hugs and everything. She was around and I went to everyone else first. I was nervous of going to her. Finally, I worked up the courage to go say goodbye and ask for her number. I asked her "Would you like to stay in contact with somebody you met in the loony bin?" She laughed, said yes and gave me her number after which we hugged. She smelled so divine, I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I was smitten. It was as if this girl had been constructed as my carbon copy in female form. I still stand firm that she is the love of my life and it is so terrible and such a waste that everything that happened happened.

Anyway, I went back home to face normal life again. She was constantly on my mind. I decided to wait a while before I would message her. In the clinic we had to hand in our phones at 7am and we would get them back at 4pm after groups had concluded. That night I sent her a long message, thanking her for being so nice and so sweet to me, that I enjoyed meeting her very much and that I would really like it if we could get to know each other more when she gets out of the clinic. I got a reply a bit later pretty much saying the same thing and that she would love to. The following day at around 11am, an alarm went off on my phone. This was strange as the only alarms I set were to wake up. I checked it and it was an alarm she had set while she had my phone. It said something like "Hey there, my number is.... Why don't you add me on facebook? If you cant find my profile my email is...". I got such a shock and a big smile on my face. Cheeky little shit :) That was the coolest move a girl has ever pulled on me, I was thoroughly impressed!

We started chatting a lot. Every night. Things were just clicking and we ended up talking about very personal things and sharing deep emotional and past wounds. She asked if I would like to go for coffee, as she had freedom of movement and had her car there. We met up at a shopping mall and went to a coffee shop. She was wearing purple skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, she looked so incredibly beautiful. I had on a striped shirt and black pants. This is where one of my nicknames for her originated "Purple pants". We sat together at a corner table and started talking. I was soooo nervous, I could feel how red my face was. I calmed down after a bit. She asked why I didn't have a girlfriend and I told her that I am quite shy and I don't really know why I don't have one. She came back with this wonderful line "Because you're pretty much top of the heap." Wow! I couldn't believe she said that. I was so honored that a girl like her would say something like that. After about an hour we went outside to smoke a cigarette. I was so close to kissing her and her body language pretty much said "Please kiss me!". She was standing close to me and we were talking. I couldn't I was just too nervous. We went to the parking area, paid for our parking tickets and I walked her to her car. I thanked her for the lovely time and we shared a long, passionate hug after which we kissed each other on the lips. No making out, just a kiss on the lips. I felt all warm inside and I wanted to jump, shout, dance and sing. I walked back to my car and drove back home with the biggest smile on my face.

We spoke a bit about the kiss and we started to flirt quite a bit. Things were moving fast, but it was perfect. I asked her whether she would like to come to a local club to watch some bands that she also liked play the weekend that she got out of the clinic and she agreed. We were flirting heavily. My mom wasn't going to be at home, so I offered for her to stay over so that he didn't have to drive all the way back home. Neither of us drank anyway, but we were going to be leaving the club quite late. She said yes :)

That night, she said she would come pick me up as she had her best friend and her boyfriend with her and it would just be easier if we all went together instead of me meeting them there. We were talking quite a bit, I was being friendly with the other couple, but I could see they were having some "issues". I sensed that J wanted to speak to her friend in private, so I went off to the dance floor to go dance. I felt a bit deflated, I didn't know whether she still liked me or what. After a while she told me that her friend and the friend's boyfriend wanted to go home (Fuck!), meaning that she would have to take them home. She looked very upset. I told her I'd come with her and that I would keep her company, which I did. We dropped them off and went back to the club.

We were towards the back of the club, we were dancing together, very closely. Our bodies touched and we kissed. It... Was... Amazing! We just stood there and kissed, I don't know for how long. We kept on dancing and as the night went on we got a bit more intense. I gently pushed her against the wall while I was kissing her and she would push back. We decided to leave and go to my place. We said outright before the date that we were not going to have sex, but she said teasingly that she is going to pleasure the hell out of me, which I took as a joke. When we got home things got hot and heavy. Afterwards we just laid together in bed, naked, holding one another and talking. We talked until 7am the next morning. It was the most amazing experience that I have ever had with a girl. It was only the second date, but I knew this was going to be something amazing. We were tailor made for one another. We had breakfast together, shared a long kiss and then she left. I went to bed with a massive smile on my face...

I'm getting a little bit emotional now, so we'll make this a multiple edition entry. So for now, End of Part I.

Have a lovely day Adriaan