At The end in meh...

My pms is backwards.

I have controlled the bitchy part of it at the on set, but it always comes around when it’s almost over. With it, I also feel sad and everything in my life that is super pathetic is magnified and I feel absolutely pitiful.

This time around is no exception.

I am down to canned goods, some pasta, some rice, celery, cornmeal, flour, brown sugar and condiments in my fridge.

I had to cancel my tomorrow night out.

My account is so in the hole.

I think about how the food truck was supposed to be my part time job. I can’t even do that right because I don’t have a car to get around with. I can’t get a car because that takes money. I have so much regular life coming out of my check that I can’t save up for anything, pay anything off and it’s a frustrating cycle. I try to find a part time job and can’t seem to be taken seriously as an applicant. I need part time work.

(Paused)

I just filled out some information online under my son’s name and we can’t get food stamps. I look absolutely GREAT on paper (excluding credit information) so I can’t qualify for anything kind of help because I’m supposed to be good at making what I have work. Well I can’t. I don’t know how to not be me. I already shop for groceries at the cheap store. Do I have to sacrifice even that and start going to a dollar store?? I don’t shop for new clothes but every few years.

This is not living. I think even if I didn’t have to pay rent and utility bills, somehow I’d still be struggling. I don’t even know why. I don’t want this to be my life. I just want to be comfortable. That’s all I ever want. I don’t want to have to worry. This check to check shit sucks.

That’s all. Nothing new. Same old ills.

Hope your Friday is great.
Kindest regards,
Sister