Waking Thoughts in The Road Ahead

I don’t belong here. Here, meaning life. I’ve always been isolated, the idea of being on the outside looking in prevalent even back in elementary school. Back then it was the abuse and the fallout of the abuse. I wasn’t really allowed to socialize with the other kids in the neighborhood, because I was taking care of my sisters for as long as I can remember. At three years apart, I remember changing diapers as early as kindergarten or first grade. In school, I spent a lot of time trying to hide the bruises and lumps. Bearing the responsibilities I had to take on forced me to grow up and mature far beyond kids of my own age, and I was less interested in the physical and social banter, and more interested in escaping into my books. I was a voracious reader, spending as much time as possible with my head buried in a book, leaving the horrors at home far behind, even if just for a few minutes. I spent a lot of my recesses and lunch breaks reading in the cafeteria, or under a tree far away from the other kids. As I grew older, video games captured my attention as well, adding layers of visual stimuli, critical thinking, and puzzle-solving skills to my escape.

The internet has really been kind to me, as far as trying to feel connected. Sites like Teenopendiary, Xbox Live, and Yahoo chat rooms allowed me to break free from everyone around me, opening up doors that would lead to people I call friends, now and then. It didn’t matter that I was a nerdy, gangly, blonde boy that never had clothes that fit, sometimes walked with a limp, and avoided eye contact with everyone. I was whoever I wanted to be, projecting an inner confidence I had only fancied, any actual confidence or growth quickly poisoned or beaten out of me. All the fantastic stories and adventures I’d been on planted seeds in my rich imagination, and from them, grew a creative, goofy foundation that would end up being an integral part of who I am. I quipped and quoted and queried, the bips, boops, and, braps of a 56K modem music to my ears. It became my lifeline and has stayed that way. Without the internet, my ability to connect to anyone would be so drastically reduced, I don’t know if I’d be able to find the peace I need to keep going.

I just feel like I’m doing something horribly wrong that I still feel this way. I’ve been getting by and surviving year after year, but I’m not sure to what end. I am dealing with higher levels of rejection than usual. I haven’t heard shit back on the job front. I spend a LOT of time combing through and applying for anything that I might be eligible for on Indeed, LinkedIn, Craigslist, RatRaceRebellion, Monster, and simply googling “jobs”. I’m really frustrated. OkCupid changed the way their messaging system works, now you have to Like someone before you can see their message, which means there’s no longer a guarantee that someone will get said message. My girlfriend just found out this past weekend that she got a message from a guy back in NOVEMBER. I’m pretty cute, but if I have to depend on my looks to get by, oi vey.

I’m used to feeling out of place and who I am is a manifestation of that. I may be on the outside looking in, but to be honest, I’m not sure I’d know what to do if I ever got inside.

Time for coffee and putting my feelers back out there. The search goes on.