How I Wish You Were Here With Me Now in Dreams And Nightmares

There was this girl that I went to high school with. We ran with the same circle of friends and became mutual acquaintances. We reconnected through Facebook some odd years later. Exchanged phone numbers and became texting pals. I was even invited to a Halloween party at her house. Not many people came but I managed to show up with a twelve pack of beer. Her, her roommates and a few other friends from the high school era sat at her kitchen table while I drank, told anecdotes and silly jokes all the while keeping the mood light and funny. Eventually our texts became flirtatious in manner and well, I developed a crush on her. We spoke of hanging out and becoming cuddle buddies. New Years Eve rolls around and I stayed sober, even going to an AA meeting that night. As I sat, gaming on Red Dead Redemption she texted me, a bit drunk. Apparently the party she was at turned out to be a bust and we picked right up with our flirty texts…which turned into sexual…which turned into both of us exchanging naked photos. We had made plans to hang out later that week when our off days coincided with each other. Leading up to said day I heard nothing from here. The day of I messaged asking if she still wanted to bother hanging out. By this point I had become disillusioned with Facebook and had been debating deleting my account, even going as far as sharing my idea with her, her telling me to keep in touch at least. Imagine my surprise when I logged into FB that night to see a post made by her a mere ten minutes after my text with something along the lines of, “tired of being used,” by people.

I was generally hurt by that seeing how I thought something was going to bloom from our talking and it was her that initiated the flirty texts to begin with. I sent one last messaged via FB and feeling burned, let that cement my idea of deactivating my account. A year or two later I run into her at a public event. We hugged, talked for a few moments and told me she was now married and introduced me to her husband. She was still cute as ever, this time with dyed green hair. I never saw her again after that.

So you can imagine my dismay when I had a dream about her last night in which we were together and happy. All day I have been in my head rethinking every relationship I’ve been in. The good, the bad, how I was an asshole…am an asshole, how I’ve tried and still try to be a better person. Dreams may fade but it takes a long while to shake off the feelings of loneliness. I wasn’t going to write any of this out but seeing how I’m forcing myself to use my laptop more instead of my phone I can actually crank out a decent, long, entry with what is bothering me. Even though this was seven years ago it still stings. Yes, I am lonely, but I’m not going to throw myself at the first girl that gives me attention like I used to do in my teens and twenties. Then again who am I kidding. All I do is work and come home. I’ve debated about going out this upcoming weekend but the last time I went to a bar I ended up with a DUI. Maybe take a cab or something. I need a night out. Feel like I’m going stir crazy again.

Also in that dream I had the vivid vision of my middle brother beating the shit out of his now ex wife and my dad trying to stop him but that’s a part of my childhood (they lived with my parents and I) I don’t care to relive. I’d like to go game right now and shoot more Eden’s Gate cult members but it has been a long night walking inside the ever winding paths of my mind. I’m going to try to sleep now.

Lastly, this has been stuck in my head since I awoke from that lonely dream.