The Lies My Brain Tells in My Fucking Feelings

My rain is lieing to me again. It does that. This time it is trying to convince me that everyone in the world is uncomfortable with me. People are all avoiding me it says. It surely must have been something I’ve done. Maybe I’m just letting myself overreact to a social situation that is getting increasingly tense.

A few lovely individuals have reached out to spend time with me recently. They called it bonding. I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right because I didn’t really feel the connection. I felt a few unwanted desires that I had to push away. I felt loneliness. I felt the desire to open up but the inability to do so. I’m always afraid it’s going to be too much too soon. How does one gauge social bonding to know what the appropriate amount of sharing is? I don’t know.

I just want to be able to get close to someone e without the anxiety that sooner or later they will surely decide to abandon me. Or at least it will feel like they have. I want to escape to a cabin in the mountains and simplify my life for a while. I don’t have freedom like that though. If I work hard, maybe I can save up vacation time. As it stands, I’m not getting enough hours.

But I decided today is about self care so I shouldn’t be focused on the problems. I should be enjoying some me time here at home. The plan is to get the house cleaned one room at a time. Ill get one room cleaned and then spend time in the room, enjoying it before moving to the next. Currently in the bathtub. I have a shopping trip planned but I’m not sure if it’s supposed to help me have things I need, make me feel better, or both. I told myself I’d spend quality time reading today but first I need to do homework and run errands and clean the house… otherwise I’ll be anxious the whole time.

At least I got the bathroom mostly cleaned and some laundry started. One step at a time.