yesterdays BS in other first

I do not take disappointment well. I get over it.... it passes but initially you can watch my heart break and I am very near tears.... if not actually crying.... over stupid stuff because I expected something else.

We were told yesterday morning that when we got 15 pallets in export we could go and that Glenn was leaving at 2:30. We worked really hard all morning. Well, Glenn and I did. Carl.... does whatever he wants. He’s not stable and one of these days I’m gonna really go off on him. He just doesn’t listen. I will state something like “When I’m done with this box I’m going to make us another 16 boxes (there will be 2 left for him) so he will stop and make boxes. This however changes what I’m doing because the point is to keep the line moving. Anyway, I digress. When Glenn left we had 13 1/2 but there were issues on the lines so we had a couple more people back there with us. It was nice BUT this caused Kevin to think we could get more? and he said “you might get to leave at 5, maybe 4”basically throwing the goal number out the window. I was not happy. I was near tears until he had come back at about 10 till 4 asking everyone if they wanted to go home. … he’d be back in 10 to let us know. We got to leave :) How many pallets did we have? we had JUST finished 15 but that didn’t heal my heart. I hate that. I hate that I am easily crushed.

Rocky and I went out for Chinese he told me about how he had been sick again that day and had been considering calling the hospital. He was feeling like he did the night we went to the ER. I hate that I feel the way I do about when he gets sick, like he’s not ever allowed to have any issues but I swear every time I ask him to do things. I had sent him a Honey Do list that morning. He’s going to try to work on it again today. I hope he doesn’t get sick again. It scares me only because nothing seems connected. He’s dizzy, throwing up, can’t breath, chest pain.... hasn’t gotten much better.... now a sudden episode. The heart doctor has set him up for a couple tests the 24th, this makes me think it must not be too serious in his eyes because it’s so far out even though there were “abnormalities” in his EKG. I feel guilty for thinking “he always gets sick when I need him to do things”and I wouldn’t think that if it really didn’t feel like it was a thing BEFORE any issue with his chest. “I’m just really tired today”..... so am I.... so am I....

OH, should probably remember to close this one today..... or leave it open so Rocky can see it on purpose because he’s been reading entries if I leave them up “it’s the only way I can stay on your day to day stuff” true but small rants like the one above do not need to be rehashed in what little time we actually have together. That time should be reserved for marital relations and thought reflection. Was shooting for the former yesterday..... but because of the chest thing. Looks like there will be none of that until we figure out what it is and how to prevent episodes. Currently, I’m worried about making it 9 week+ through this over time without a huge blow out fight. I really have to be able to depend on him for things like the lawn. i think I should use some of this OT money to buy a robot lawn mower....

3 mins till leave time. bye :(