Clouds in My Fucking Feelings

I didn’t go to the prayer meeting today. I got too anxious about it being a new thing. What if they expected me to pray out loud? What if they were trying to pray for only the one thing? I just couldn’t. I can tell I’m getting sad again. I keep thinking it’s far too soon. Wasn’t I just floating on sunshine and fucking rainbows a few days ago? Nothing’s changed. But I can tell. The clouds are rolling in.

I feel tired, irritable.
I’m unmotivated to do anything.
There is so much that needs to be done but I just pretend that if I ignore it the responsibilities will go away.
Haven’t reached out to anyone really.
A couple people have said hey, but not really for any reason.
Don’t know that I really have anyone to talk to about any of this. Not that I trust anyway.
I mean, I have a therapist, but… I have my doubts about her too.

I wish the chores would do themselves while I sleep.
I wish I had someone to hold on to.
Those nice strong comforting arms around me that make me feel so safe.
I miss safe.
I miss letting someone else control it all.
Sometimes it feels like the whole world is on my shoulders, but I can’t even hold my own weight. I wish I belonged to someone right now.

I feel like a whiney bitch, but I just want to sit in someone’s arms and cry for a while.
But I’m supposed to be the strong one.
The smart one.
The confident one.
The one who always knows what to do
and protects the others.
Can I not for a while?

And it seems like the only things I have no control of are the things that matter most to me to control. People rip away the responsibilities I need and dump on me the ones I could care less for. I just want sleep now.
But it’s early.
and I’m still trying to convince myself to do something,
anything really.

Wake up, silly!