Saturday and Desire in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I spent a lot of time reading Prosebox yesterday and today. Catching up on things with folks. I haven’t actually sat down to read others like that in a long time. Granted, I didn’t note as much as I would have liked to but I read and feel at least somewhat caught up with people. People I care about. Prosebox might not be like grabbing coffee with friends every week; but it feels just enough like it for me!

Part of this was helped by Wife leaving to St Louis with my mother. I am realizing more and more that I married the worst parts of my parents which is unfortunate. Particularly in this case a little thing called tardiness. Mom was supposed to pick up Wife at 9:30. At 9:30… wife was just getting in the shower. Which is fine because it is my mother. Who did not arrive to pick her up until 10:30. When trying to do things throughout the day, that kind of questionable delay makes it very difficult to plan. Of course, 10:30 Mom shows up, they both leave and… boom, Wife walks back in because she forgot something. Seriously. All this for a 24 hour trip. ::eye roll::

Then I (finally) left to run some much needed errands (dry cleaner, bank, etc). I had two things that I was really looking forward to this Saturday. One starts at 3 and by hook or by crook, that one is definitely happening. The other? Well… I don’t know if it is going to happen. Which is sad. It was going to be emotionally satisfying and physically exhilarating… so it now being a question mark feels a bit unfortunate.

As I caught up with folks, I read a lot of Easter posts. Yes, that means I’ve been catching up on a whole week of posts. HOPEFULLY if I noted your Easter post, you weren’t offended or upset!

I saw a lot of points I think more people need to realize, though.
(1) Christians in the world, especially in the United States, are doing a massive disservice to their faith and themselves. And yes, a great deal of this comes from the fucking Southern Bible Belt Trump Supporting Christians. I say Southern because that is where it started, but they are everywhere now. In fact, they make up the largest percentage voting block in Iowa’s 4th District and it makes me SICK. These are the people that go out of their way to tell you that they are Christian and so pure and so pious… and then they shit all over the poor, the foreign, and the disabled. These are the people that are first to say “Gays go to hell” and “Transgender means Life Ender” and (the big one in Iowa) “Abortion is for Sluts”. Shit like that. And I don’t blame non-believers for seeing these assholes and hating Christianity. It hurts like hell, but I don’t blame them. Because if the most vocal “believers” are also the most vocal “haters” than what else are people supposed to think. So, as I said to many already, I wanted to tackle this biblically.
There were these exact type of people during Jesus’ time. When Jesus walked the earth, there were no Christians because… duh… Christianity required the sacrifice of Christ in order to be a thing. So if he was walking around, the monotheistic religion de rigueur was Judaism. The top Jewish leaders and Jewish politicians were being shitty to those who were different. Jesus said “cut that out.” When one of these assholes pickets a soldiers funeral while wearing a WWJD bracelet… here’s what Jesus would do. Woman getting abortions today were like women cheating on their husbands or prostitutes back in Jesus time. What did Jesus do with them? Well… ever hear “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?” That was Jesus literally defending a woman convicted of cheating on her husband. Jesus often ate with prostitutes, discussing faith and forgiveness. So… would Jesus want these assholes lobbing hate at people? Or would he want them showing them love. How about gay and transgender? If you believe that it is a choice, equate it to someone making a living by cheating people and hurting others. If you believe that it is not a choice, equate it to someone with leprosy. JESUS SOUGHT THESE PEOPLE OUT. He would spend time with the crooked cheating tax collectors and he would spend time with the lepers… and it wasn’t always in an effort to “change them”. Sometimes it was just to minister to them and show them love that they had been so absent from. And poverty? No person can claim to follow Christ if their largest motivator in life is wealth. Wealth isn’t bad, per se; but if you select wealth over love, it sure is. The Bible is where we get “the love of money is the root of evil.” Jesus specifically said, because wealth separates us from people, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a wealthy man to enter the Kingdom. Or my favorite… because I see the real world version of this all the time.... you have the wealthy giving millions to charity and demanding recognition… while shitting on the poor and even trying to keep them out of their “fancy expensive churches.” HAPPENED IN JESUS TIME TOO! The rich man gave a bunch and was bragging to Jesus whereas the poor man humbly snuck in and gave a pittance, all he had. Jesus called out the poor man. Because greater is the heart and spirit of the man who gives with his heart and spirit than the man who gives with his arrogance and wealth. So, faithful Christians… if you think the Prosperity Gospel sounds like Jesus? Forgive me, but you don’t know shit.

(2) The hardest, truly, thing I read is the other side of that coin. We are currently living in a world of pain, suffering, death, and tragedy untold. I cannot and will not blame a single soul wailing into the void “Why? How can you allow this?” I can’t blame anyone and I won’t begrudge them that wail. That, too, is in the Bible. Old Testament and New Testament, faithful people screaming into the heavens. It is one of the reasons why I get angry when a Priest says “Doubt is the opposite of faith.” Fuck you, Father. Doubt is not the opposite of faith, it is the opportunity for faith. For without doubt, how does our faith grow? I don’t have the answers as to why God allows such horrors on earth. The only answer I have falls into two philosophical/theological categories.
(a) The Watchmaker. There is a theory that says everything in existence was designed before it began. Like a watchmaker who does not tend to the watch, merely creates it, the watchmaker believes that the watch will always work provided it is taken care of. The Old Testament is the watch maker building the watch, making sure it works properly, fixing the watch when it needs to be fixed. Christ’s death and Resurrection is the watch “being sold” or “given to mankind” to take care of the watch. The Revelation of John is the time when Man (essentially) brings the watch back to the watchmaker and says, “We didn’t take care of it like we should. We need to replace this watch.” That is one theory.
(b) Free Will Paradox. This is the most popular theory and has the most Biblical support but it sure isn’t an easy answer. When the earth was created, God gave man Free Will. In order for free will to matter there had to be choice. The problem is choice. Humans are given the opportunity to do things God’s way or Human’s way. In order to protect Free Will, God does not intervene in the choices that are fundamentally Human Choices. God intervenes periodically when choice isn’t the issue; but if it is the result of direct Human Choice and Free Will… then it is our mess and we can either continue down the path of Human Way or try to steer it back to God Way. Prime Example: The Earth Dying. What is happening to the Earth certainly isn’t God’s plan. And yes, he could fix it all in a heartbeat. But the earth is this way because Humans made specific choices to put Human Greed and Convenience above all things. Like a parent, God is saying “Yes, I could help you clean up your room. But you’re the one who messed it up in the first place. Clean it up!” For ontological philosophers who struggle with this theory… you can always blow their minds with the question “Could God create a rule that even he couldn’t break?” That will blow their minds. Because if God is all powerful, there is nothing He can’t do. So he COULD create a rule even he couldn’t break. But then he wouldn’t be all powerful. And that melts their minds. It is fun. I used to do it a lot when I was considering Seminary. My answer to that question? Which is why the Free Will Paradox makes more sense to me.... God is all powerful… God can create, do, or be whatever (I use the “he” convention for familiarity but for all it concerns God, the correct pronoun might be shelsoeup because who are we to define God?!). Therefore, if God wanted to create rules for himself, he could. That doesn’t limit his power as he is able to break those rules… but just like Batman, Superman, or any Hero with a personal Code… if that code is broken, it is rare and for a DAMNED good reason.

WELL, I caught up on 4 pages of Bookmarks all told. So hooray for that!
But the emotionally satisfying and physically exhilarating thing for the day didn’t go through. It looks like that avenue has been largely cut off for me, which is unfortunate. As I have not been feeling creative, or confident, or inspired… I was looking forward to some activity (activities) that would potentially help me get into a more creative/inspired mindset. It’s funny when you love to write as much as I do. I love to write. Love love love to write. But I never trust my creativity. I was discussing this with Wife last night as she “stumbled” onto Meat Straws. They are a meat tube sold in the liquor section to be used as a straw. She mentioned how one of her favorite comedians had made mention of something like that and his idea was rejected by slim jim. I told her that “His rejection may have been because they were already developing that product. OR because they were in a patent race with the company that created Meat Straw.” And that is when I discussed with her how my knowledge of law (in it’s limited way) has always complicated my creative impulses. From the age of 13 to 17, I wrote songs and poetry. But I rarely did anything with it because (and this is what I actually said) “Considering the finite number of words and musical phrases; every song has already been written before.” This was coming from someone who had 4 poems published by the age of 18 and I still said that. Or… do you remember when Microsoft Windows FIRST allowed screen savers to show pictures. I told one of my scientifically inclined friends “It would be awesome to strip that technology down and put it into a picture frame. That way, you could display specific pictures in a loop in any room in your house.” He encouraged me to talk to someone who could make it happen and what I told him? “Microsoft, I’m sure, is already working on it.” Lo and behold, a few years later… Picture Frames with Screensaver! But… was that just a logical conclusion or did I honestly pass up an opportunity to get some recognition and money? Who knows. But my instant thought of “It’s probably been done before” is always getting in my way. Thus why I was hoping my emotionally satisfying and physically exhilarating experience would at least shake me out of that… get me back to writing things because I wanted to. Because if I’m writing something I feel inspired to write… even if it isn’t original, this version is mine and that counts for something. If I’m feeling inspired. Plus… some of my PB friends that were helping me with creativity have suddenly vanished into thin air. Well, that’s a shame!

So… with all of that, I figured I’d end this with a survey. After all, after I wrap up here (as I have little time now that some of what I was looking forward to is out of reach) I will be going to Dragon Lance. And that will go until late. When I’ll come home and debate on whether to play video games, play with myself, or go to sleep.

What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
Honestly, it used to be What Dreams May Come but I haven’t seen it in a while.

If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
This feels tragic to say but I’d get my jawline done. I fucking miss my pre-law school jaw line!

Do you have a completely irrational fear?
Probably many. I have this panicked fear of drowning despite (a) it being a rather peaceful way to die all things considered; and (b) 3 generations of competitive swimming. Though, that is probably where the fear comes from. Feeling like if I died to drowning, I’d be embarrassing the family.

What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
I’ve spent too much of my life trying to be like Michael J Fox in some ways; so I’d say fidgety fingers.

Are you a pyromaniac?
No. I do enjoy fire and find it fascinating. But a pyromaniac by definition is someone suffering from pyromania; an obsessive compulsion to start fires.

Do you have too many love interests?
In reality? No. In reality, I barely have even one. Outside of reality? I have lots.

Do you know anyone famous?
Not really. I know many local celebrities and, if push came to shove, could easily set up a meet and greet with some Comic Book Authors or Movie Stars from the area but… not like “Hang out” kind of thing.

Who would play you in a movie?
Tough question. These days, I’m guessing Josh Krazinski. But I’d want it to be someone who was closer to my height that could play humor and serious, manic and tragic at the same time.

Do you know how to play poker?
Yes, and have played on several occasions.

What do you carry with you at all times?
My professional smile. I don’t always have my wallet or my phone, but if I am in a position that calls for professional courtesy or diplomacy, I always have my professional smile.

What do you miss most about being a kid?
Too much. As a child, I had energy. I had no physical pain. I was intelligent which surprised people. I was cute as hell. Fuck, if I had an inkling of what I had when I was a kid, I would have grown up very different. But because I did have so much growing up? I was “kept down.” I was told that I was untalented. Worthless. No good. Literally, I was beaten down which (sadly) I let affect me. If I’d known and taken to heart that I got that, not because I deserved it, but because people were afraid of what would happen if I embraced who I was.... Lord, what a different world I’d be in!

Are you happy with your given name?
It isn’t the most individual or creative but sure. Christopher isn’t a family name or a name reflecting our ethnic heritage but… I still love that my first, middle, and last names when roughly translated backwards means “Small Volcanic Follower of Christ”. I can live with that moniker!

How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for good?
If I’m giving up the internet ENTIRELY… meaning no games, no communication, no job, no school… like literally living in a world with no internet… I would increase my usual “Price for Everything” by 23 fold! Because that is way too much restriction in a world becoming ever more internet dependent. BTW that number at 23 fold? $168 million (rounded up)

What color is your bedroom?
White. I’ve been living in rental properties for 15 years. But even before that, my walls were white.

What was the last song you were listening to?
Attack on Titan Opening Theme 1 (Wife’s Ring Tone)

Have you ever been in love?
Yes. A few times. A poetry teacher in college once tried to chastise me for writing a poem about the many types of love saying “Love is love once.” But… fuck her. Love is different any time it is between people and it can change, evolve, devolve. Love is as much a living thing as a dog or a tiger!

Do you talk a lot?
This waxes and wanes considerably. I can be the life of the party or the quiet guy in the corner. Sometimes I know before hand, sometimes I don’t. And it almost always depends on a million different circumstances.

Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Honestly, I never really have. When I was a kid, I hated myself because I was weak and little. As I aged, I hated myself because I was pained and unable to really assert myself. At present? I hate myself because everything I could have been is competing with everything I could be and I’m confused about what I can be. Not a fun place to sit.

Do you consider yourself a nice person?
Yes and I’m afraid I have to echo the hundreds of voices in High School that constantly said I was too nice. I was the kind of guy that if you spilled your pop on me, I’d offer to buy you another one. eye roll. I get it, I did that because I wanted to be a good person and wasn’t considering any future reward but… looking back? I do have to ask “Where did that get you?! Where did trying to be a good guy all of the time ever get you? The women you actually wanted didn’t select you because you were a doormat. The friends you had were only the ones that used you.”

What is your ideal marriage location?
If I were to have a re-commitment ceremony… I’d want it on Ireland or Britain overlooking the water. If I were to get re-married after death or divorce, I’d want to get married at her location but than immediately take a honeymoon so as not to miss it all together (again).

Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
I always wished I could play piano or guitar. Cello is a lovely and beautifully sounding instrument; but if you’re going to write music, you’d better dam well know how to do piano or guitar!

Favorite fabric?
The tacky part of me says Polyester. Because I love some of my polyester 90s wear because it wasn’t 70s polyester wear. It was just a shirt that looked good that happened to be made out of a synthetic. Other than that? Silk, or silk striped. That is what my favorite Black Shirt is made from.

Something you love and hate?
I assume this question is asking about something for whom my feelings are both love AND hate… to which I’d honestly say SLEEP. Sleep takes us away from the physical pain, but can illuminate our inner pain; also it can keep us from joy if we sleep too long or bring us more joy by sleeping in. In other words… sleep is a tricky bastard that is equally likely to bring happiness and hatred.

What kind of bedding do you use?
Sheet, comforter, other blanket. I need a weighted blanket super badly.

What smell do you find sexy?
There are several. Usually the smell I associate with Buffy’s lotion back in the day… or (don’t judge) the strawberry & cherry hand lotion I used to use “on myself” in High School. That stuff just smelled GOOD but it also smelled feminine and its association with erections… well, of course I’d find it sexy.

What’s the one language you want to learn?
I want to learn Japanese. If I could be a tour guide for MBFITWW and then stay in Japan teaching or leading tours… that would be nice.

How do you eat an apple?
Bite in, like Garden of Eden style. No slicing or accouterments for me!

What do you order at a bar?
Almost always Whiskey and Coke or Rum and Coke. I keep it simple for bartenders unless I know them or get to know them. Then we exchange stories and recipes.

Have you ever pierced your body parts?
I have no piercings. Sometimes I consider getting one but… nah. Don’t want to veer into Harrison Ford territory.

Do you have tattoos?
No. Not yet. I keep considering them. I had this whole plan on getting them like “Achievements” on my body. First Case Won. First Million Dollars. That kind of thing. But I don’t know. I would want something.... more meaningful, I guess.

Do you drive a stick?
No, but I really want to learn how to drive one!!!

What’s one trait you hate in a person?
I’ve always answered this question with “Selfishness” but I think now I know why. I think selfishness has grown to be more and more of an irritant because I simply wasn’t dealing with selfishness in my own home. Now I’d have to say selfishness (knowing why) and someone who demands to have 100% of your attention at all times. It is important to give a person your attention when speaking with them but.... if you think a person needs to give you all of their attention whenever you are in their vicinity? Get over yourself!

What kind of watch do you wear?
I do not wear a watch. Some lawyers have suggested that is bad form as I should always be on time and “how can I do that without a watch?” To which I say, “If I’m meeting a client, I have my phone which has the time. If I need to be in court… I’m in court. No need to know what time it is, because in Court I’m on the judge’s schedule!”

Do you consider yourself materialistic?
A little. Sometimes Wife will want to get rid of my books or movies and I’m like NO! Because… I’m a story guy. I love stories and I don’t want my books or movies being tossed out. Plus… I want a considerably bigger house than Wife. She’d “be fine” in some old, nearly dilapidated house “with character.” Meanwhile, I’m thinking… “If we can’t have a second family come visit us comfortably, then the house isn’t big enough. So yes, three to six bedrooms.”

What do you cook the best?
I’m not a great cook, lamentably. Best I do is burgers, pizza, or a Chicken Fired cheese and rice dish which is by NO means healthy, by NO means pretty but something Wife seems to really enjoy.

Favorite writing instrument?
I love pens but my handwriting is so God Awful that I have to say I prefer keyboards.

Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Gosh, the age old question. I’d have to answer that the grass is always greener. When I was a “star,” I just… I wanted friends and I wanted to fit in and I wanted to feel accepted. Now that I’m not a star… I miss being someone special.

Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Have. Hell, in High School and College people loved dressing me as a girl for theater shows. They were surprised that I was 120 lbs but (due to swimming) had good thighs. It is funny, I tell my friend male-wants to transition to-female and he gets SO jealous. Partially because I was “allowed” and partially because I was often in mini skirts and heels, or Cocktail Dresses and Fishnets. Though, the double edged sword on that? Now I know how “difficult” it is to wear that stuff… so when Wife is like “Guh. No. I’m going to wear my jeans and this ratty t-shirt” I get even more disappointed. I got girl dressier for a stage show then she’s willing to get for anything. Harumph.

What’s one car you will never buy?
Until I learn stick shift, stick shift!

What kind of books do you like to read?
Typically, I like reading novels that deal with serious themes masked in something else. Like comic book novelizations or sci-fi or fantasy.

If you won the lottery, what would you do?
(1) Buy a house; (2) pay off friend/family debt; (3) invest in pain management and opioid recovery centers; (4) run for office

Burial or cremation?
Cremation. Tradition in our family.

How many online journals do you read regularly?
Apparently, dozens!

What’s one thing you’re a loser at?
Too many things! lol I don’t seem to do awesomely at Multiplayer Competitive Video Games anymore and I’m not happy about it.

If you don’t like a person, how do you show it?
Typically, I avoid them if I can. If I can’t avoid them and don’t have to be diplomatic, I’ll just be short and curt with them. If I can’t avoid them and have to be diplomatic, they’ll never know I don’t like them.

Do you cry in front of your friends?
I have not for years and years and years and years. Mostly, I just cry alone these days if I cry at all.

What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
It varies considerably but unfortunately, I think most people see me and immediately think I’m intelligent. Which is bad. I’d rather surprise them that I’m smart than have them think I’m smart and get mad at me if I’m not as smart as they assumed I was.

What’s one thing you like to do alone?
I like to write alone, I like to video game alone, I like to masturbate alone. Well, actually I take back that last one. I’ve only ever done that alone. So I have no experience otherwise.

Are you a giver or a taker?
Fuck, apparently I’m a giver until giver runs out. I mean, I knew I was a giver that never received. I did know that, it isn’t a surprise. BUT… maybe it is because I’m naive. I thought when I got married, I could give the way I always had and my wife would give so that it would balance out. As opposed to still just giving and giving and receiving rarely if ever.

When’s the last time you cried?
That is a tough one. I’m sure it was probably recently out of sheer emotional exhaustion but I couldn’t point to a specific day.

Favorite communication method?
Lately? Messenger. I’ve always hated phones and E-Mail is too professional.

How many drinks before you’re tipsy?
Obviously depends on drink and concentration of alcohol. I make my mixed drinks pretty strong and it takes 3. At a bar or when anyone else is mixing… usually 6 to 9.

Do you think you’re cute?
I honestly, genuinely feel hideous. I feel like a short, fat, ugly man. And I hate feeling that way.

Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
Full naked, kind of. Down to my underwear, not at all.