Thursday additional in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I woke up, emptied the dishwasher, filled the dishwasher, wiped the kitchen counters down, played some Gems of War and Skyrim, then took a one hour nap. I woke up and considered the current situation and… twitch twitch twitch. Wife is scheduled to go to a Baby Shower in St Louis this weekend. She will go with my mother, hang out with my twin-cousin and see family that are sensitive to her needs. She has already told me she isn’t sure if she is going to go. Because apparently sitting around the house feeling sorry for herself sounds like a much better use of her time. This may be cruel but… I’m encouraging her to go vehemently. Not for her sake, though that is part of it, but for mine. I need time away from her. I need a solid 24 hours where I can focus on my life and not have to know that every night between 4 and 5, whatever I’m doing becomes unimportant and I have to spend my evening focusing on her needs or dealing with her crying or acting as volunteer therapist. I’d love a solid 36 hours where I don’t have to deal with that. Is that harsh?

Then how about this? Because I don’t know how to feel about this. I haven’t seen MBFITWW yet this year, I don’t think. His birthday is in April and there are two weekends that work for me to go visit him. DESPITE Wife also being his friend, she hates how we hang out when we go to his place. BUT wants to invite herself along. Because she doesn’t want to be alone with her thoughts. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I find this whole bloody thing taxing. And I know if I say, “Wife I am going to see Friend next weekend” she will either (1) demand I reschedule since she has the Baby Shower this weekend and that will be “two weekends in a row without you” or (2) tell me that if I’m going next weekend, she won’t go to the Baby Shower because that would be “two weekends in a row without you.” Now… if our weekend time was spent investing in our marriage, getting our sexy on, or doing anything of value… this may be a rational statement. But our weekend time is spent much as our evening time. So when I’m having issues dealing with 6 to 7 hours of Wife Time, an entire weekend won’t do any of us any good.

Oh.. and about getting our sexy on! So… communication is a big thing to me. Just in general. I love nothing more than someone telling me about themselves and really being open. That’s fun for me. So during a moment where I thought a discussion would be appropriate, I tried to steer Wife’s current self-obsession and introspection towards a relationship building focus. It didn’t turn out well. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. She’s been as closed off about sexual expression as any woman I’ve ever met. But I wanted to genuinely discover what made her feel “sexy or sexual.” As her husband, this is something I should damned well know. Hell, I knew the answer to this question for just about every woman I’ve ever dated and most of the women I’ve been friends with. Not knowing even a little about my wife is a place of frustration. Of course, for her… the question was absurd and silly. So I tried to narrow it for her. I told her that it is okay to have complicated, even contradictory feelings about sexuality and sexual expression. For example, I enjoy both domination and submission. I love the idea of telling a woman what to do, having her call me sir and/or being totally submissive to the experience in an attempt to focus on my pleasure. BUT I also appreciate the reverse. As someone who was raised in an environment that basically pounded the drum of “fear your sexual appetite”, I like being restrained and forced to focus on the woman’s pleasure; to totally give in to making her feel the absolute best possible. I then stopped talking and encouraged Wife to inform me if there was anything like that in her, any fantasies or desires that she wanted to express. She simply looked at me sideways and said, “Well nothing like what you just said!” and walked away. I’ve been rejected by her for most of our marriage in one way or another but this one seemed almost personal. That she would take me being open and simply judge and walk away. Serves me right, I guess. She is in her most selfish and emotionally stunted place ever. It probably wasn’t the time to broach that subject.

Though, that being said… it strangely made me miss High School and College. You see, I’ve always been me. Not as free to be me as I have been during and since Law School; but I’ve always been this person. While my friends and fellow thespians knew I wasn’t going to have sex in HS (and many of them still to this day think I am a homosexual) they did know I was a sexual being with lustful wants and desires. So in HS and College, people would exchange stories of what they had done and what they had wanted to do; and I was able to participate by waxing hypothetical about things I had wanted to do as well. This, perhaps, is why several of the more sexually aggressive women in my life came to me confiding a crush. A virginal (at the time) handsome young actor with a hidden kinky side may have been quite the temptation. Hell, I think that was half of my relationship with Shannon and Aoife. TO be blunt… it is part of a relationship that I need, dammit. If I can’t explore my sexual desires, why have them?

So then I went and did a bunch of errands and other work for the Domestic Purpose. Getting out of the house and getting things done felt good. Came home, had the place nice and set up.

Wife came home and… wasn’t bitching. She wasn’t a puddle of self-obsession and tears. Of course… she wasn’t in what I’d call a good mood but I’d at least say that she was in a better mood than lately. Hopefully that will translate into me getting a bit of a break from “Therapist Chris” and I can just have an evening where… I do all the other things. Cook dinner, clean the kitchen, etcetera.

But that is still good. Not having to cope with two people’s emotional baggage for a night will be like a freaking vacation.

Tomorrow hopefully I can follow through on my plan.
(1) Exercise
(2) Shower and dress
(3) Recipe Shopping
(4) Prosebox Bookmark Catch Up
(5) Skyrim
(6) Tame the Shrew
(7) Apply to a job with the Social Security Administration
(8) Maybe even get some of my erotica finished and published in my Explicit Entry Book.

Here’s hoping.