Dec.: Mark giving family reading pilates party ptsd dad relaionships holidays art agorophobia ocd hair in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.
- Feb. 5, 2014, 3:42 a.m.
- |
- Public
'2nd
I'm back.
this is actually about last weekend.
while I'm waiting for my tea. I bought this new holiday kind, gingerbread spice by Celestial Seasons. the figures on the box are weird. They're 2 iceskating gingerbread people. which makes sense.
currently listening to; Maureen McGovern. [we all know what a sucker i am for Irish accents. well. now ya do]
Mood is..........tired. it's been a long day.
So last weekend I hung out with Mark, a friend of a friend. of Lindsey's, actually. he's really sweet. he has Asperger's [again, i'm trying to be more open about it]. so you can tell he's a bit off but after awhile. you get used to it.
So Saturday afternoon we met at the bookstore. whenever I say 'the bookstore' I mean the Barnes and Noble downtown. although this isn't apparent to everyone. i forget there's another one downtown because i'm never there.
While I waited I read more of Neon Angel and had some cake. the godiva chocolate. it's really good. I actually relly wasn't that hungry. but I figured, it'll keep my blood sugar from dropping.
so after awhile he called me and asked which bookstore I was at. well no wonder we couldn't find each other. just like that Friends episode.......just like How I Met Your Mother.
later that weekend I FBed him and tell him for future reference I want to meet at the B&N.
so we finally found each other. he got a frappucino and I got a chai latte at the cafe. it felt weird going back there twice in the same day. he was really talkative.
We walked down 16th street, got some free popcorn. which was wonderful. not the popcorn, the fact it was free. although the popcorn was good. i never eat popcorn.
it was dark by that point. i'm getting really tired of all the holiday music. the holiday lights were up. we walked past a guy playing 'when the saints go marching in' on his brass instrument. we talked. about languages I know that.
it was cold but didn't seem that cold because of the companyand the movement.
so eventually we made it to Mark's place. when I tried to open the door I found it was locked. we went up the elevator to his apartment. the elevator was creepy with th e writing on the walls.
his place was a little disorganised, but he'd just gotten back from the springs [CO Springs], so. and cold.
we talked, about what i don't remember. we both had guacomole. i had chips. they were good.
guacomole's one of the things i have once a week, so.
then after awhile silence fell. it was nice.
I stayed the night, sleeping on the couch. when I woke up one of the first things I saw was Mark, coming back from grocery shopping. I let him know I was leaving. i mean, i'm sure he would've figured it out after awhile.........'oh she's not here'.
but A; that's how it was growing up. if you were going somewhere you either left a note or told someone and. 2. i've been on the other end of that. it's not good.
slept well.
so, i kindof got lost trying to find 16th. i figured i'd follow the number. which i did finding 9th. my prents live on 5th. i went the opposite way, finding 16th. tookthe bus home. [well i mean not right to my place].
after which I went to Starbucks where I got another chai and a peppermint brownie.
came home, watched tv.
it was nice.'
'3rd
with photos! yay. finally.
[no not of me. these are of my and Mom's trip to London back in 2006].
the Gerkin Harrod's
birds on the lawn this is where they used to execute people
the Tower Of London
the London Eye
a bridge Trafalgar Square Fountain
the Globe Theater the rooftops of London
ok on with the entry.
The photos have to do with the entry, as Mom and I were in London in winter.
Now as everyone knows the holidays are about giving. But.........what bout people who already do give?
You hear all these stories on the news about people who give back. ok and that's good. But, as I found out when volunteering at the senior citizens' residence the first time, there are a lot of ways you can help people. There's this Irish proverb I read one. can't remember how exactly it goes but something along the lines of 'just because you're not tapping your foot doesn't mean you don't hear the music'. It basically means. well. it's the thought that counts.
Just because you're not recognised for helping doesn't mean you haven't.
maybe it's not so much that I don't like Christmas because of what happened, as. the holidays are a very emotional warm time of year. something i really didn't have growing up.
and..........um. idinno. i guess. i don't like being reminded of that. maybe?
[oh, i'm referring to my dad's car accident]
[if the photos are small I apologise] '
'5th
So, Thursday my mom and I went to my grandparents, as usual. oh and also CostCo where I had a fudge sample. and the grocery store.
While Mom and her dad talked in the living room I talked with my grandmother in her bedroom. I show her pictures in the pioneer women book. they remind me of things she's told me which I remind her of. i.e., she likes music, i asked h er if she'd ever ice skated. She wasn't very talkative though she sometimes isn't. so before I go into the living room I tell her I'll be back so she doesn't wonder where I've gone to.
it's interesting the way photos remind us of things like that.
In the living room my grandfather tells me about his brother [i think] Don. who was an auto mechanic.
so then my mom and I check on her mom who's asleep.
There's actually nothing wrong with her except the woman's 90. they both are. not that that's bad. actually it's pretty damn amazing.
we go to CostCo then the rehab facility where Carol [Dad's mom] is. we ask one of the hospital staff, Mary where she is. I compliment Mary on her nails. they were bright pink.
we find Carol in the OT Room [i think that's what it is]. she's in a wheelchair. we meet Tracy, her helper. she's nice, pretty. as we walk to my grandmother's room Mom and Tracy talk about animal crackers. when we get to the room Tracy helps Carol into the bed. she asks if she wants to lay down, to which my grandmother replies, "i'm not a chicken". a good way to remember the difference between lay and lie, is a chicken [a hen, rather] lays an egg while a person lies down. Apparently she's supposed to sleep a certain way because she hs veritgo. again.
Mom goes to talk to someone, and my grandmother and I talk about learning. and dance. they both involve trust. I tell her people learn differently. I'm one of them. I'm a quick learner but I need more explanation than most.
My mom comes back in with a Ukranian woman. i know she's part of my grandmother's team but I don't remember what exactly she does. I stand, introduce myself.
A few summers ago I realised you're supposed to stand when you introduce yourself.
She filled my mom in on the medications my grandmother's taking.
The Ukranian woman left and we met Stephanie, the social worker. who left.
Then Mom and I talked to my grandmother. I told her how frustrated i'd been with her but i'm not supposed to say anything because I'm a lady. she says she could get up and get the remote but sh e doesn't becuse John [her husband] does it for her. I said, that's good but I'm just. not sure that's the best for her.
[see, my grandmother apparently has depression and doesn't do anything. even though I'm the same I do more than she does. I go to the store, movies, visit my grandparents, go to Starbucks. i mean yeah it's not a lot but......it's.......it's there. she has options of going downstairs and eating breakfast in the senior citizens residence where she lived before the rehab facility, but doesn't. ]
when what I really meant was that John's enabling her. which Mom says as I'm too polite to. Mom's the kindof person who will just come right out and say t hings. my sister has no problem telling you if you're doing something that's bothering her.
see, I have to be nice, sweet, patient, etc because they're not. which again makes me wonder how much of it is genuine and how much is obligatory.
So, the connction being maybe if my grandmother actually got up and went into the living room and turned on the tv, she. might not be as depressed. not much but. it's......it's there.
She was telling us how John wants to do some things for her which she doesn't want him to. my mom says well that's how he is he's a protector. [he was in the war. 'the war'. 2nd world war. most likely a soldier]. I'm the same way. I have the same problem. I don't need people to protect me. i mean i love it. but you can't always count on people. I was actually really surprised this pas t summer when after dropping me off at my place my uncle walked me to the door. I'm a 23 yr old indepent self-sufficient women. I'm used to being on my own. I go near everywhere by myself.
I don't think he meant to bother me. it's just how he was raised. he's a really nice guy.
[again..........needless to say, i don't want advice here].
My grandmother told me she feels like her independence is being taken away. which ok it is. but maybe is, again. because ofwhat John's doing. like, well you feel this way because you're letting yourself. which for the longest time i didn't understand. My mom asked Carol if she wanted to go on and she said she didn't know.
not that she's lying but.........given how very good i am at reading people she does know. she knows exactly. Now, if some random person in the store's tired I'm not going to go up to them and blatantly point out they're tired, as t hat's a bit off. and invasive.
but it really doesn't do you much good to do that. oh. 'that' being telling me you're good when i know for a fact you're not.
Reading people isn't as great as you'd think.
In my recovery journey I've learned this: even if you don't want to live your body does.
My grandmother said she quit clarinet [she used to play it], knitting. and maybe tht's where all this started. When I was 14 I quit ballet. and the last time I took a dance class ws in college. I still love to dance love music. and have that mindset, once a dancer always a dancer.
i'll even rock out to commercial jingles.
somehow my mom brought up the fact that I don't have a job and that it [the reason] why is big and complicated. i'm a 'nonconformist', in her words. i like that. i really don't think having a job is the most important thing. isn't being happy just as important? yes.
also i have plenty of time to figure it out. sure yeah eventually, like when i'm in my 30's. but that's neither here nor there. [if you're going to note me and be rude, as some were the last time i posted an entry regarding jobs then ya know what? please don't. you can respectfully disagree and that's fine. but don't be rude about it. actually come to think of it i don't think i'll allow for notes precisely because of that reason].
but that doesn't mean i don't have goals i'm not learning. for instance i love to read which you can learn a lot from. i also like educationol tv such as The Doctors. i watch the news.
i don't plan my future because it terrifies me.
I definately get how planning gives you certainty.
it'd be great if my grandmother changed but she clerly won't. [look who's talkin. yeah i know i know]. the woman's 84 she doesn't have a lot of time.
hey but i have. the biggest change being i'm now in recovery and have been for a year and......a few months.
so then I went home then to the store.
and that was Thursday.'
'7th
So, I've decided I want to expand my reading horizons. I want to start reading scifi, mysteries, biographies and the classics. I've not finished Jane Eyre. so far it's interesting.
I know this entry's vague. it's not on purpose. I'm just not too sure what I'm looking for in terms of scifi, mysteries and the classics.
What do you reccomend?
Thanks! '
'9th
this is about last weekend. which. was ok.
[please keep the notes coming about recommended books on my entry entitled 'expansion'. thank you]
Saturday evening my mom and I went to Francie's. she's the woman whose house the pilates party is always inevery year. But Taryn, Mom's pilates instructor, is the hostess.
omygod Taryn is so beautiful. and she's supernice too. really down to earth. great body. Well yeah given she was/won Miss Fitness USA. Her mom was having some health issues last year but I guess she's doing better. i didn't ask since I don't know either of them that well.
I talked with some people. Francie and I talked. she was vaguely familiar but I couldn't remember her name. so finally before my mom and I left I told her 'I didn't catch your name'. that worked. What else is good to say in that situation?
[again, thanks]
She has a black lab, Atom. not Adam which is also a good name for a dog. he liked me. Dogs usually startle me so I found if I'm calm around them they'll be calm and not bark.
Taryn's husband is an xray guy. Radiologist*. he wants to be a pediatric one. Mom told him the story of when I broke my wrist. Apparently according to my uncle I broke it doing a cartwheel. really? I seem to remember breaking it falling down the stairs....I was 9.
Oh! random bit of news. so my uncle Ty's wife's book was/is on the New York Times list, most likely the bestseller one. it seems like a really boring book to me but it's cool she's on it. th name's Lynne Isbell, if anyone wants to lookit up. it's a science book.
My mom and I met Bonnie and Sarah. I don't know why there were there. I guess some of the people at the get together were allergy patients. Bonnie was fun. Sarah was really cool. I noticed her looking at the holiday ornaments. I mentioned this and she said she loves Christmass trees. the ornaments are personal. I introducd her to my mom.
I had a little bit of food. cheese, crackers, carrots, dip and a tiny brownie. yum. One of the guys I was talking to mentioned I didn't have very much to eat. I told him it's a buffet. As in, people can have as much or as little as they want. i really like buffets.
When I got there one of the bartenders asked me what I wanted to drink. I said water and got a bottle. It's funny; I don'teven like water and yet whenever I'm w/ company I always order it. Well it's cheap and simple, also a simple choice.
oh so my mom now knows I drink. I'd never told her because she doesn't approve. she asked me if I did and I answered honestly. i expected her to react. it was more of, ok she drinks. it is what it is.'
'12th
This is about last weekend.
So after I got back from the pilates get-together I went on FB. Mark's status read he wanted to hang out w/ someone. We ended up hanging out. Met in front of the bookstore since by the time I got there it was closed. Apparently when I got to the 2nd level of the pavillions [16th St., downtown Denver] Mark was there but I didn't realise it. and sinc I'm shy I don't go up to random people. I phoned him and we found each other.
Well I did not have a good night. it was freakin cold, my leg hurt, his place was cold and still. disorganised. I thought oh, well, since he's been back for a week he'll have time to organise it. no, actually, it was even worse.
I'm not angry with him for that; I just don't like it.
So I was lying on his couch thinking I could call my dad to come picl me up [right.......] or a cab but I didn't have cab money, so. I stayed.
I was so glad to be back at my place where it's organised! and warm. yay. on the way to I stopped by Starbucks and got a chai and a brownie. i've been going there more lately.
I know some guys aren't as organised as women and yeah I expect that but.........ya know? there's a certain point in time where. you don't want to hang out w/ said person.
so yeah.
[don't know if I'll get any - oooh! lol - but........no advice please] '
'13th
hey yall,
I need your help. How do you prevent the computer keys from sticking while you type?
Thanks!
:) '
'So Christmas is almost here. it's been 6 years. I'm sure my dad and I could talk. if I ever opened up. and we all know I won't. and yeah it's sad but it's also my perogative.
um.
it's because of my PTSD. it's this big.........thing standing in the way. like oh, yeah, if i'd just get over being assaulted.
ok listen yall; being assaulted's not exactly something you 'get over'. come to terms with, yes.
I don't want to be close to my dad. and yet. i do. i've always needed that. and then i wonder why we're not close. i sabotage myself really. i set myself up for disappointment and then i blame others.
and i don't want to do anything about it because i hate that whole quick-fix thing. this is exactly why i'm not in therapy. that, and. already established that.
but i do work on things! [and i'm finding myself asking who's protesting]. therapy's not the only w ay to deal with stuff. everyone's like 'have you ever been in therapy?' oh god yes. as though that's the only way to deal.
or maybe it's just me who thinks that.
Michael was that guy but. we all know what happened there.
and then i bitch about the fact that men suck when I won't even let myself open up. and ya wonder.
Back then, people sent cards they askd...........about my dad. not about me. it was always, 'how's your dad?" yeah not how was i. he was in the hospital while i was just fukin assaulted.
just, assaulted? excuse me?
not that anyone knew - again not my fault - but, ya know? really?
i think my friend Solay, a girl i knew in high school, somehow knew. when i cut my hair the first tim she asked why. at the time I didn't even know.
clearly. the world's not that perceptive.
i havn't forgiven the world. in a way.
I love my dad I do. I just......can't stand him. because I don't see him the way others do. and probably because he's my dad. I don't see him as this gentleman who likes people.
though.......i've definately picked up his mannerism of going off and looking at oh you know. some painting while my momt alks to people.
weird? yeah maybe.
but it shows i'm curious inquisitive interested.
Y'know......when my dad was in the hospital i never visited him. or gave him cards. why i still don't know. this literally just ocurred to me.
eh. life sucks but what can ya do? '
'15th
News frrom my end.
um. hm.
I've been writing a lot. just for fun. not poetry. I love it when I really get into a story. But sometimes I get so into it it's hard to distinguish between my life and my characters lives. Even though I'm a visual person I forget to add description. And I have trouble with explanations/clarification. though I do in general, so.
it gives me something to do.
[that makes it sound like i'm bored often].
With fiction, there's always a certain element of truth. For instance, if the spaceship breaks down. yeah that might not always happen but it still presents a problem that the characters have to figure out how to solve.
Oh! so this is pretty cool. My sister phoned over the weekend. that's not the cool part. Her friend Rosalie has this deck of angel cards that she had Kate pick from. The cards tell you what you're supposed to work on. She picked the one that said 'sisterhood'. that's awesome. and what a pretty name, Rosalie.
She - Kate, that is - is hoping her dog will be a therapy dog. become? he's really nice from what I've heard. bcause she doesn't often have people over he barks when she does. so maybe if she has people over more he won't.
they're both coming for the holidays. This coming Saturday actually. Kate has a few appointments to go to but after I'm hoping we can get manicures and see the lights downtown and go shopping. for a purse and a belt for me. [not right after the appointments]. Well. she wants to get manicures done. I don't object to it I just don't ever. and I'm hoping to see Megamind with her. The last movie I saw was For Colored Girls. Haven't seen Burlesque w/ Mom yet.
So also this coming Saturday I'm going to my friend Susie's graduation party. She's one of the coolest chicks I know. we've been frinds for 10 years. She's going to Salt Lake City for her job.......thing. I'm not being vague on purpose I just don't remember. it has something to do with science which she really likes. I'm kinda nervous about the party though [well. it's more of a get together.] because people from middle school might be there. I didn't even go to the last reunion. i didn't want to. we've all changed so much. I'll be polite and cordial. you know. but it's not like i like them that much. i was so lost back then so out of place. Susie was too. I'm not sure what to wear but I figure, you can never wrong in something you're comfortable in.
I still have to make her a CD. and write on her card. I really like making mixes for people. I've made a few for my sister and one for Lindsey. I got the idea when Michael made one for me.
That day I'm leaving early from the party so my parents and I can go get Kate.
So........
So........I got my sister a Sephora gift card for the holidays her favorite store. It's small enough that she can travel with it. I got my dad chocolate. I still have to get my mom's gift, socks. I'm giving them [my parents and sister] poetry and making muffins [for the grandparents]. er. baking, rather. For stocking stuffers I'm giving Vaseline, chocolate, cough drops, candy canes and travel Advil. oh and I'm giving Kate a handwarmer. those things are awesome. so I need to buy eggs......for the muffins. the hardest part about buying people chocolates is not eating them. i did that once.
i also need to print out 2 poems.......but other than that I'm pretty much done with Christmas shopping.
so..........on the 27th my parents are having a big holiday dinner at their place. Apparently that's my aunt's birthday. My unle and Kate a re cooking. My mom told me I won't be. i mistakenly thought I was.
I'm not a fan ot Christmas music though I do like River, Happy Christmas, Feliz Nevidad and Baby It's Cold Outside. and the Mr. Grinch song whih my sister also really likes. I've watchd Forsty, Miracle On 34th and It's A Wonderful Life.
um...........i'm gettin my period.
Over the weekend I organised my closet which went well.
it's supposed to snow, again. here. [as though i'd report it if it were going to snow anywhere else]. we really haven't had much of a winter.'
'18th
not what you think.
actually i don't know what you're thinking but this isn't about the assault.
So a week ago from this past Thursday we visited my grandparents. My paternal grandmother's still in the rehab center.
we all know she's changed. and. i can't accept that. Things will never be the same.
that sounds like the beginning of a story.
it wasn't like this when i was little. or maybe it was. 'ignorance was bliss. i was just too stupid to realise it'. ha.
it's not. it's not stationary. Y'know? With my dad's having Asperger's sure yeah that changed things but he didn't change. physically.
also as optimistic as i'd like to be [now there's a sentence i never thought i'd think/type] i know that at her age she won't change. the woman's 84. she's depressed. no i mean she is actually clinically depressed.
I want to see her as sweet but, ya know. she's not as sweet ad i once thought.
and as much as we try ultimately it's up to her. She's made it pretty damn clear what her decision is.
My sister tries. she tries a helluva lot more than i do. she sent my grandparents Christmas cards which I never did when I was away at school. it's not that i didn't/don't care. i did/do. obviously. it just hadn't occured to me.
also. apparently I don't have the best handwriting.
But I get depression. oh god do I. sure someone makes you smile laugh for a minute a second but then. It's called lucidity for a reason.
god my sister was so sweet with what she wrote in the card; '....Brewster' - that's her dog - 'and I can sing Christmas carols for you'. omygod. seriously why wouldn't you want to preserve that kindof innocence?
it's those moments that i.......idinno. I think of how sweet Kate is.
she's just so cute.
yeah she's almost 21 - next month! - and is a woman in school and sees our adult world which she lives in but then. on the other side of that.
There's something incredibly innocent about that sweetness.
yeah yall can read this and think/type 'at least you still have the memories'. well yeah a lot of help that is. it doesn't make up for everything it just. means there's something there.
so, in the words of Emilie Autumn. i want my innocence back.
[as usual. no advice please. note with caution]
although.......I visit my grandparents more than Kate does, [er. obviously being that she's in the city], so.'
'19th
thank you disney.
This was meant to be typed up after the Glee Christmas episode.
Now I know not everyone believes in spirits or whatever. or God. or, you know. whatever's out there. And that's fine. People like different things and people believe in different things.
but you have got, to believe in something. be it a religious affiliation, music, love. it could be anything. for me, it's my spirituality and music.
By the way for anyone who hasn't sen it I highly reccomend August Rush.
because if you don't. what is there, ya know.'
'So I'm probably overthinking this [but what else is new] and I know this might seem a bit off to ask this but.......is there a certain protocol to buying men's magazines? or do you just buy them like you do everything else?
sorry, just curious. I've never bought one, so.
[and please don't judge me and, as always. Note with caution]
thank you'
'20th
So, a few weeks ago I was talking *[via phone] with my friend Susie [who i've known for 10 years] about dating. I was telling her that men suck and she was saying something along the lines of "you need to be more open to dating".
um ok wow.
When someone does something i don't like I don't tell them.
We all know I sabotage myself when it comes to dating. We all know I think men suck. hey my 2nd ex assaulted me.......and my most recent one only wanted to get with me to. you know. get [sleep] with me. You'd not want to date men too if you kept getting hurt.
but wow.
that still bothers me.
See, with me, if a friend constantly bitches about oh i don't know, how depressed they are or how tired they are of a certain person/situation, I'm not going to say anything about it. Yes it's annoying but I'm going to let you figure outthesolution yourself. Also I'm horrible at giving advice. Now if you ask my opinion on something, like a dress you want to wear to a party or what I'd do in a certain situation [i.e., this person's not being nice to me. What would you do in this situation?] that's entirely different.
I'll listen I'll tell you 'I get that'. It's not that I don't care it's that. well we all know my feelings on advice.
I see her point I just don't like it.
*after being someone's friend for 10 years. you'd be tired of them too.
[and this doesn't allow for notes because..........well. it's a vent. and therefore i don't want any] '
'So this is kindof exciting. but I don't want to get too excited about it in case it doesn't work out.
This lady who used to babysit Kate and I, Jennifer, is an artist, And she knows I'm an artist. When we were little she was going to school to become a lawyer but turns out now she owns her own art gallery. Which means.......she decides whose art gets to be in that gallery.
The other week my mom and I went to talk to her and show her my photos. which she loved. So over the weekend I gave Kate a CD [actually 3 but more on that later] with some of my photos on it that she and I could choose from for me to put on another one to give to Jennifer to.......see if she wants to put th em in her gallery.
I hope it works out but, you know. it might not.
Jennifer noticed I like lights. she gave me some ideas, like using Photobucket to alter my photos. Apparently you cam do all kinds of things w/ Photobucket. Which I don't have but I have this other program [don't remember the name atm] which lets you add edges to the photo. Or you can change it to black and white, or make it look old-fashioned. She also [i think] mentioned something along the lines of my combining media. For instance, I could print out a photo of a flower and then add tiny flower that I'd draw along the border. and such. Which I think I'll do after the holidays.
*her website is www.jennifermosquera.com '
'so a few weeks ago my mom and I went to The Gathering Place. it is. wonderful. It's somewhere for homeless women to go. I'm not sure if they live there or what.
it's sad but.........just the energy of all those women. In their art class they make holiday cards and 75% of the proceeds from the sales of th e cards go to put a meal on the table for the families. My mom bought 100 cards for her clients [she's a CPA which basically means she does peopl's taxes] which she did last year. The volunteers were so nice. I wandered around the art room looking at things. But, ya know?.........i didn't feel like they thought that was weird or off or anything. I got the sense they were used to different kinds of people.
i felt so safe there.
On a side note. I've found I have a much harder time looking men dead-on [er. like. straight at them] than I do women.
When I was little I used to be scared of places like that. you know how it is when you're little you're unsure. It wasn't bad just different. Just like when Kate and I discussed Donald [a guy she knows up in the city], the fact he's an alcoholic. It doesn't mean you're a bad person it just means you have a problem with alcohol.
Here's the website: www.the-gatheringplace.org '
'21st
This happened a few weeks ago while my mom and I were visiting my grandmother at the rehab center.
So, one of the staff was bringing my grandmother lunch. My grandmother asked if we wanted to stay for lunch. I said 'no thank you' and Mom told her 'Anne doesn't like eating ......'. something along the lines of 'around other people'. My grandmother said 'I know but.....'.
no. I won't want to no matter how many times she asks.'
'29th
[and yes you'll hear about my weekend, Christmas and Kate's visit].
So earlier - yesterday - while at the mall Kate and I were discussing Mom's being frustrated w/ my grandmother. Kate's told me she's told Mom "you know, you chose to participate in this". meaning she chose to help our grandmother.
um no not really when she's the one who drinks/has depression. she's the one frustrating Mom by not doing anything. What is Mom supposed to do, not help her? not help w/ her bills?
we know Dad won't and it's really not my place to. since Kate's not here she doesn't really see this. yeah she probably loves our grandmother just as much as she used to simply because she's not here to experience her being mean. it's like when she/Mom bring up the fact that when I was little I was happy. um really? cu i don't remember being happy least of all not at school. so if I don't remember it then it's kindof like it didn't happen.
i love my grandmother too; i just don't like her
[this doesn't allow for notes because........well. i don't want any] '
'...protected me more.....
and now, completely switching gears.
recovery.
I don't eat. well. except for yogurt lately. and i've had 2 subway sandwiches. yeah when i've been out.
The other night while at a holiday get together [actually this was Monday night] my stepgrandmother asked me how do i eat, well that's a weird question. Not weird in the way it's phrased but weird in wow i honestly have no idea how to respond to that. not too sure what she's asking here........like, ummm.......
i told her i don't cook which led to her question. And apparently senior citizens forget about this thing called the microwave. well. i mean given it's a fairly new invention - it was invented in the 19.......50's? oh 1946 by a dude who discovered a candy bar in his pocket melted. yeah i think i've heard that before - that's understandable.
i'm not annoyed w/ her. i'm annoyed w/. not. her? i know that's not very specific.
or maybe she didn't have one growing up.........makes sense. my parents have always had one, so.
[please don't read too much into the above as i already have]
it's always a little weird for me when people ask about food.
This entry's more about Portia De Rossi's appearance on Ellen. An audience member asked what Portia would've responded to. Well. Up untill I was in college [as i'm sure i've gone over by now] no one really said anything. oh sure when i was in boarding school it was the usual little 'you don't need to lose weight' remarks. that's not helpful. at all.
and then when i got to college it's 'yeah we think your daughter has an eating disorder'. no, really? i've had one since i was 13. i was going to go to one of those centers for it, actually. thank god i didn't there's absolutely no way in hell the grandparents would/will ever know.
i'm not shallow; i just prefer to keep certain things private. and considering they're senior citizens it's probably best.
Anyway.
What I would've responded to is/was..........specific things. you know, not "you look thin" or "have you had lunch?". Actually the former is a compliment.
I would've responded to..........something like, "i've noticed you haven't been eating. are you/is everything ok? do you w ant to talk about it?". i don't do well with vague.........things. questions.
I'm the same way w/ directions, too. as much a visual person as ia m, I need auditory directions. I can't look where people point. I've never been able to. so if you say to me, "look there's a bird on the stop sign to your right' then I know exactly where to look.
and, I don't remember the exact moment when I realised oh shit i have a serious problem here, though i know it was during the summer.
Y'know what's weird?
is i miss it. i actually miss it. i miss being sick. i'm not really sure why.......it's not like there was ever anyone there to keep me company during that time.
Maturing's really weird.
um.........................
oh.
Oftentimes, people don't know what to say. and for me that's not good enough. [there's potentioal for judging here...]. Not that I'm perfect i just. have different things to work on than what to say in thos situations. not saying anything isn't always the best. you don't want to judge that person either that'll only push t hem further.
there's more, but i'm fregin knackered, so.
*e'
'30th
holiday update soon. and more photos if yall want.
This was actually from earlier tonight [10 to midnight atm]. As for the title of this entry, I don't remebmer what 'it' was.
So, my parents. they're big on safety. I'm pretty safety-conscious I'm just. not as safety-conscious as people want me to be.
So when they, my aunt Cindy and my sister came to pick me up to go dinner the doorbell rang. i went to the door and opened it and there stood my dad. When I got outside he asked me if I could turn my light on. [i have a porch light which is never on].
well yeah sure I could.......that's not what he's really asking. It's like, if someone hasn't taken out the trash and someone else asks "hey why don't you take out the trash?". are you really wanting my opinion here?
no ok sorry i was being funny.
why? well um because i don't want to right now.
See, they're not asking you why. they're telling but not really, you, they want you to take out th trash.
there was recently a Family Guy episode involving this.
oh. right. so it's not if I can. if I will.
So I turned the light on. no not for my benefit. for his benefit. yeah sure why not make it easier on him.
i didn't want to turn the light on. it's rarely on. It's actually the only one that isn't. hey i'm saving on electricity here whatdayawant.
I did it so we wouldn't have to stand there and argue about me turning the light on.
I have this theory that if I leave that light on people will ring the doorbell. which is ridiclous bc other than my parents no one ever comes to my door. It's like, when I'm walking home and I see someone. well, actually I don't walk past them but that's not the point. You can say 'hi' to me I mean I won't ignore you if you do. i'd just much rather you didn't.
I prefer to keep to myself and I don't want random people talking to me. if I don't expect it.
and the only person who ever rings my doorbell is my dad. In a way that's how I know who's at the door.
I have a peephole but, obviously w/ the light off I can't see who's at the door.
it's more that it was my dad who asked that bothers me. not the fact that I "should" leave my light on.
sigh. things would be much much easier if i did what i was told. but i don't make things easy. also. i'm not a dog.
[this doesn't allow for notes because, well. this is a vent]
The more you tell me what to do. the least likely i am to do it. you can remind me but that's different. '
'so this has to do w/ my last entry.
As we all know, I'm mildly agoraphobic. Which I've just realised can be [no. not 'can' be. is] hard to wrap your head around. most psychological things are. Eating disorders are another example.
Which is why I don't take my trash/recycling out during the day. yeah i know the safety thing. but nothing's happened to me so far while doing that, so. I'm smart I got a good head on my shoulders. If something happens I know what to do. i don't need you telling me it's not a good idea.
See, I have a system. The above isn't the only reason I don't take out the recycling right away. I have [by which I mean it's an OCD thing] to have an even number of bags in order to take it out. otherwise I don't. I do things in even numbers. I buy my groceries in even numbers. I push that little button dude for the light 4 times. I know it doesn't make the light change faster. It's not that I'm in a hurry. well I mean sometimes I am but if I have to wait due to extenuating circumstances then so be it there'r worse things. It's that, as said. OCD.
so..........when my mom's over here and she sees the trash right away we have to take it out. I don't like this because, as said. what I started my entry with. I don't tell her this bc unlike some people I won't tell you if something you do bothers me. I try to make everyone's life/day easier.
ever since I was 17 I've never put myself first. ever.
but at least it means i'm not selfish. well. not that selfish.
See, I have a system. The above isn't the only reason I don't take out the recycling right away. I have [by which I mean it's an OCD thing] to have an even number of bags in order to take it out. otherwise I don't. I do things in even numbers. I buy my groceries in even numbers. I push that little button dude for the light 4 times. I know it doesn't make the light change faster. It's not that I'm in a hurry. well I mean sometimes I am but if I have to wait due to extenuating circumstances then so be it there'r worse things. It's that, as said. OCD.
so..........when my mom's over here and she sees the trash right away we have to take it out. I don't like this because, as said. what I started my entry with. I don't tell her this bc unlike some people I won't tell you if something you do bothers me. I try to make everyone's life/day easier.
ever since I was 17 I've never put myself first. ever.
but at least it means i'm not selfish. well. not that selfish.'
'this has to do w/ my most recent entries. also it's what I forgot in my recovery entry [don't remember the title. um.......]
So. The other thing my parents do er do. did last night after dropping me off is they waited for me to get inside. I don't like this it's weird. they don't need to protect me least of all my dad. most certainly not my dad.
need them? or. want. them?
I've been on my own emotionally ever since I was 17 and I'm most certainly not going to start depending on people now. oh s ure there've been people friends from time to time but never a constant. There are some people who have the same friend/s all thir lives. and I'm not one of them.
with a cynical view of the world as i have you wouldn't either
i didn't need him then and i sure as hell don't now
Tom [the guy I went on a date w/ this summer and then we stargazed in the park during which point he upset me] asked me who I turned to for guidance. well, firstoff I've never been a particularly religious person. when I was little sure. but not now. i've nothing against religion it's just. not for me.
Secondly. no one, really. Since, like i said.
[i feel like positive people [what this has to do w/ the entry i don't know] don't really deal w/ things as they are. A friend of mine recenetly saw Black Swan. he didn't like it bc of the subject matter. and that's fine it's not for everyone. My mom saw it she said thre was sex in the movie.
Well those 2 factors are precisely why I want to see the movie and why I hope to like it. because it's dark. because it involves sex.
[[well. whenever we're hoping to see the movie we hope to like it]
well that, and i love dance, so.
i'm attracted to darkness. I love Disney and fairytales but I realise life doesn't always work that way. I once read that European plays/movies often don't have happy endings, as opposed to American ones which do.
darkness is interesting to me
and actually, some of the fairytales are quite dark.
it intrigues me. If I'm in a bookstore I'm much more likely to go the psychology section or if in the fiction section and read on young women who have real problems such as myself than another section.
Althouh I do love the children's section and always visit it. it's so incredibly safe ther.]
er............my point.........?
oh, right the link between protection and recovery. Well maybe, as I realised while watching Portia on Ellen, if my dad had protected me i wouldn't've developed an eating disorder.
See, my dad and I were close up untill I was like, 13. which was when my eating disorder came into play. it was my 'parent' in a way.......my protection. When I didn't want to think I could relapse. maybe if we'd been close [er?] i'd have gotten the love from him i needed.
and still do.
but we all know what happened there'
'which I used to have. Long hair that is.
It's weird for me when people talk about hair. I bring this up because it was brought up last night at dinner. My 2 aunts [Dad's half sister Susan, Cindy, Mom's sister] and Dad were talking about hair color. I guess when Cindy was little she had dark hair. now it's gray. and Susan apparently had light hair? i. think. now it's dark. she has blue eyes. Her daughters, who are about 9 and 11, have blonde hair and blue eyes, a classic combination.
When Dad was little he had blonde hair as did I. Everyone on his side of the family has blue eyes.
Mom had long copper hair when she was 9, in braids. she didn't like it. oh but it was so pretty.
[yes there's a point to this entry]
My hair's very personal to me. I have this gorgeous Greta Garbo hair that's light brown. I always have it up mainly because it bothers me when it's down. well I mean I don't want anyone touching it that's a secondary reason.
I've cut it since I was 17. and kept it. I won't donate it. not cause I'm selfish but because, as said. i wouldn't want to pass on the energy to others. the energy of the assault that is. even if they don't pick up on it I wouldn't feel right doing it.
that's the first thing i did in regards to the assault was cut 6 inches off. i don't remember the specific day i did that. At school I asked my friends for their opinion and they liked it. My sister said that since I'm short [well i'm 5'4 and petite. she's 5'9] that long hair was just too much for/on me.
though, also as said. at the time i didn't connect the 2, the cutting of my hair and the assault.
Y'know, Frida [the artist] did the same thing. Part of the reason Diego loved her was her hair so she cut it and was like 'do you love me as much now?'.
I must've cut it after we [my 2nd ex and i] were done seeing each other.........yeah. because the entire time we were together i had long hair. we didn't officially break up we just drifted apart.
As always, note with caution please. and thank you. :)
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