Here's a novel for you. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Sometimes I wonder how I’ve come this far, and sometimes I wonder if I’ve even come far at all…sometimes I feel so behind, and sometimes I fall back into bad habits.

I miss my mom and my friends and family in Utah, but I don’t think I can ever go back there…I think that place is poison for me. There is an energy that runs through the Salt Lake County valley, and I felt it ever since the first moment I moved there. It’s heavy and negative, it’s judgemental and condescending.

I love living in California, but it’s seriously so expensive…but the people I know out here are supportive and good influences on me. The energy here is laid back and busy at the same time, but it’s that good kind of busy. Everyone is working on bettering themselves, and that’s amazing to me, it makes me want to better myself too.

I’ve been working out lately. I want to get in the best shape of my life by the time I turn 33. I think I can do that, I’ve already made a lot of progress and it’s starting to show. Now, I just need to start eating healthy…that’s been hard for me lately because I hate cooking in my parents kitchen. When I was with Lauren, I cooked every day, sometimes multiple times a day, it was awesome and we were eating super healthy…I fucking miss that.

Sometimes I miss Lauren…like, I forget all the bad parts of the relationship and I sugar coat the whole thing and pretend like she was good to me at the end…but, of course, she wasn’t. She was good to me at the beginning of the relationship, and for at least the first year, but then I think we just settled into too much of a routine and she wanted more excitement out of life.

I was trying to build a future.

I really did love her, and she really was good for me in a lot of ways. She pushed me to exercise and was always reading a self help book out loud to me while I cooked. Lauren was a much more positive person than I was at the time, and I think ultimately the Bipolar bullshit scared her off.

I think the Bipolar bullshit has scared off a lot of people…but I’m getting better.

My last hospital visit really shook me, I don’t know why that one did it, but it made me realise that I really am sick and that I really do need help with that. I went to therapy every week and saw a psychiatrist every month for meds, and I’m continuing now to take my meds everyday, I’m engaging in positive self talk and stopping negative self talk, I’m exercising and sleeping well, and I quit drinking.

I will say, I fucked up tonight though…a friend of mine had some cocaine and offered me some and then I bought some and I’ve been just doing lines all night by myself…I guess it’s just been so long since I’ve been really fucked up or something, I don’t know. It was an impulse decision and probably not the best one, but here I am.
I’ll be fine though, I don’t really care for drugs that much anymore, I don’t really have a problem with them. I do, however, have a problem with wanting to alter my state of mind quickly and easily.

Tonight, I feel more real than I’ve felt in a long time. I know it’s probably the drugs, making me hyper focused, but I can feel my body and my thoughts haven’t wandered into any dark territory, and for some reason I can believe, in this moment, that I am eternal. I am not scared of death…right now, not just in general.

I wonder if I’ll ever get married or have children. When I really stop to think about it, I don’t see it happening. I don’t actually know if I want children, and if I was forced to answer that question definitively I would probably say that I don’t want them. I just have this feeling like I would fuck my kids up, and I’m afraid they would inherit my depression and possibly my Bipolar disorder, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I knew that my own children just hated me…and I’m almost positive that would happen. Marriage, however, is a different story. I’d actually like to be married. I’d like to commit myself to one person for the rest of my life and love that person infinitely and completely. I’d like to get old with someone and still think they’re beautiful. I want to love someone the way my grandpa loved my grandma.

I also want a cat.

Sometimes I think the entire reason I’m learning to code is just so I can get my own place, and the only reason I want to get my own place is so that I can get a cat.

I am excited about this coding bootcamp, though. It’s going to be one of the hardest things I’m ever going to do, I think, but it’s going to be totally worth it, and I believe I can do it. I believe I can graduate and get a real job and be able to support myself and not fuck it up.

I’ve pretty much fucked up everything good that I’ve ever had in my life, and at this point I don’t know if it’s intentional or if my psychotic episodes and severe depression have just hijacked my life. Maybe it’s a little bit of both? Some healthy self sabotage mixed in with a little bit of insanity.

I had this band when I was 17-18 and we were really good…I mean, we were REALLY good. We were a kind of grunge, kind of classic rock, kind of heavy metal thing, and we wrote about some real life shit at a time when every band was hardcore and straight edge, and singing songs about their broken heart.

We won a couple battle of the bands, and then we started getting played on the local alternative radio station, and then I started getting invited down to the station to hang out with everyone who worked there and get free tickets to concerts. That whole thing lead to booking bigger and bigger shows. We were about to play one of the biggest shows we had ever been invited to be a part of, and a few weeks before the show I showed up to a friends house to buy some coke and found my drummer and bass player smoking crack…and it just, freaked me out…I don’t know, I ended up buying the coke and getting in my car and driving back home to California, and I stayed there until the date of the show had passed…and I pissed off my band members, but announced that I was quitting to do some solo stuff.

I guess I should have just talked to them about the crack and played the show and worked through it…I often wonder what my life would be like right now if we had stayed on the path we were on and I didn’t sabotage the whole thing.

Anyway…I feel like I’ve written way too much. Typing just feels good and my mind is racing, and I don’t really have anyone to talk to…I mean, I kind of talk about my shit, but I mostly just listen and try not to bother anyone with it. It sucks talking about Bipolar shit to people who aren’t Bipolar because they can’t really understand or empathise with you. So, eventually you just kind of stop talking about it and then people aren’t uncomfortable and then you can just deal with your own problems by yourself, the way God intended life to be.

Haha, that’s my joke, because humans are social creatures.

I guess I’m pretty social though, I have a lot of friends and a lot of acquaintances. Just, lately it seems like I don’t go out much, and I’m going to be going out almost not at all once this bootcamp starts next week. I won’t have any free days. Oh well…sacrifices and all of that.

Okay, my head is starting to spin and I’m starting to not feel so good…maybe it’s the nicotine gum that I’m chewing…maybe it’s the album I’m listening to.

I don’t know though, I don’t like it.

Maybe it’s because I took some sleeping pills when I took my last line…and I’ve also smoked some weed.

I really wanted to get fucked up tonight.

You know why? It’s the existential crisis shit.
It’s also how lonely I am…dealing with this loneliness has been really hard lately. My friends and my family are awesome, and I love them, and they support me so much and I know they all love me a ton…but I want a partner…or a cat.

You should listen to the album, “13” by Blur.

Okay, I just got a good idea to go into a chat room that I know about and see if anyone is up so I can have a real conversation.

If you read this, I’m sorry…it was pure drivel.
If you made it this far, I hope you at least thought some of my brain vomit was interesting.
I don’t even know anymore.
I love you, though.
I know that.

-Dane