Math Trauma in My Fucking Feelings

We can joke and laugh but it’s not a joke for me. Geometry.
That’s where it all happened.
That’s where I lost J.
Guess what I’ll be learning in math this week?
I thought last week would be the hardest.
Last week we did algebra.
I hate algebra.
But this week....

My brain sees the word geometry and says “no no no, I can’t I can’t I can’t” and then I see his empty desk through tear soaked eyes. I see a ghost with a bandage. I drown.

It’s not the math that’s difficult.
It’s the memories.
I wish he were here.
He could sit behind me while I do homework,
Playing with my hair,
Reminding me he’s still here,
And he’s okay now.
But that won’t happen.

So I open my book.
Read a paragraph.
Close my book.
Take a few deep breaths.
And procrastinate some more.

It’s funny how amnesia works.
I remembered geometry.
I remembered getting an A!
I remembered wrong.
My transcripts speak the truth that my brain couldn’t accept. GEOMETRY: Semester 1: C (barely-a-c%) Semester 2: F (0.0%)
I fought hard for that C first semester. I had to do well, so I could help J. I got help everyday after school. But I didn’t think I’d be alive to see the end of semester 2 so… but I remembered sleeping through class and getting an A. Instead of drowning in tears and almost dieing. That’s how amnesia works. It hides the pain behind memories that are not quite reality. Close, but without the pain.

I have to do this.
I have to.
But I can’t bring myself to do it tonight. Better be tomorrow. I’ll be working 12s the next two days.

Last updated April 03, 2018