Tuesday & Game Night in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

It is Tuesday.

I am surprised to say that I awoke in my actual bed this morning. Last night, Wife was surprised that I had slept in the guest room so much lately and I reminded her that I haven’t slept in there without her expressly waking me up first. She had no memory of the events. So she must have been “close enough to sleep” to wake me up, tell me (angrily) I was snoring, then go straight back to sleep.

Woke up in my own bed. Made Thai Veggie Egg Rolls for breakfast. DON’T be so quick to compliment me. These were not home made, made from scratch, or even built from pre-prepared materials! This was strictly a microwave deal. Though… I would very much like to know how and get more involved in cooking. That is one of the big things I want to spend time doing during my current “break.” That should help with health and give me a valuable life skill that should come in handy no matter what life brings.

Today was a day free of appointments, which means it was to be a chore/errand day. I hand cleaned both toilets, did laundry, cleaned the floors, and went grocery shopping. I was trying to find the one particular condiment Wife wanted most (Garlic Aioli) but it was nowhere to be found. I started feeling stressed out. I got assistance and they said they were out. I started feeling increased stress. The woman asked if I wanted help finding a substitute and, honestly but without thinking, i said: “No thank you. This was for my Wife and she has told me never to bring a substitute if I can’t find what she wanted.” Then I analyzed that statement and I analyzed my stress. So I couldn’t find something she asked for? So what? Why was I feeling so stressed? So the question is… have I really been walking on egg shells for that long? Have I been afraid of Wife’s outbursts for so long that it is a naturally ingrained part of my experience to expect some kind of… reaction… at simply not bringing back everything requested from the grocery store?

I drove home and put everything away. I started reading one of the books I want to write in here about sometime and another thought struck me. Wife has been “making fun of” my physical appearance since about 2009. 4 years after we started dating. Which also coincides with when affection and sexual interactions started to wane (I say started because it still happened every once in a great while).... and a disturbing thought hit me. Wife hates change. We know this now with a concrete and overwhelming obviousness. Change sends her into a crazy-level anxiety panic attack that threatens to crush her.

What if that is why we’re married?

What if Wife stopped finding me attractive, really stopped giving a shit about me, and really wanted nothing more to do with me… but she was/is so terrified of change that she just… stayed. And I was so… me… that I stayed. What if our marriage is based on 1 person sticking it out due to anxiety and the other person sticking it out due to loyalty? Not sure if that is a great foundation for a marriage, really.

Here’s a TOTAL switch in topic…
Tuesday Nights are game nights for my Gaming Group and I haven’t been able to play in a long long time. It is why I haven’t played Overwatch since before Moira was released! Just no time to play with them. But… hell or high water, I’m playing tonight. Even though I suck. lol. So in an attempt to figure out who I should play as (while sucking) I’m taking an Online Overwatch Quiz. Let’s see if I can find a character that I can play at least somewhat competently. I can do a fair Reinhardt but only when it comes to shield use, not when it comes to anything else.

Oh… I have begun reading again like I used to (voraciously) and have started leaving notes on people’s pages. I’ll catch up on the last 38 hours probably after I start my workout regimen tomorrow!