Monday & Selfishness in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Day One of not working is in the books.

I’ve already written a bit about it. Woke up early. Played Skyrim. Did some chores. Went to get my hair cut and my face shaved. MASSIVE difference. Plus I always really enjoy that experience! A scalp massage, stylish haircut, face massage, and professional straight razor shave from an Asian Punk Rock Model? Money well spent.

Came back home to see that Wife had sent me the remaining information I needed to try to apply for the Healthcare.gov Marketplace. I got my laptops set up.

Wife came home. I said hello, she said a very irritated hello. Looked at me.... and I asked her how her work day was. She angrily said, “No better, no worse.” And she walked in to the kitchen, set her bags down, and just slumped into the couch. Do you want to know what I am most upset about in that interaction? No mention about my haircut or shave. And these are not subtle things. As you’ll see below, the hair change is not negligible. And I get it. I don’t need her to say “I like your haircut” or “That cut looks strange” but seriously? Some fucking acknowledgement would go a long way.

I asked her to strip the bed and help prep the blood stain areas (mine, not hers… my head and legs bleed a lot when I sleep sometimes) while I continued to try to get us insurance. Instead, she was checking her netflix because (as she was spitting the words) apparently Netflix didn’t work right today while she was at work. While I was trying to get us insurance, she was swearing at her phone for not giving her netflix access the way she wanted it. She still got netflix access, but it didn’t give it to her the right way. UGH! Then when I completed the Marketplace, it said “We’re sorry. You don’t qualify for special enrollment. Please come back during Open Enrollment.” I said this aloud, upset, because we did have (what should have been considered) a mitigating circumstance allowing us a special enrollment period. Wife began over reacting. Shouting about “how are we supposed to get insurance, then? Clearly you messed something up on the application. What are we going to do now?” I could have/should have been more calm but frankly… her behavior just in the 30 minutes since coming home did not endear calm. So instead, I shouted at her “Don’t yell at me!” Luckily, she listened. While I called the Help Desk (and solved the problem) she went off and stripped the bed. Still no word on my haircut or shave.

As I finished speaking with the Help Desk, she turned on X-Files and started working out. Ironically one of the first things she said was, “Huh… they gave Scully a haircut!” Seriously? Like… you’re punking me at this point, aren’t you. Deliberately not mentioning my appearance and instantly mentioned Scully’s? You’re punking me. But no. It just… it is further confirmation of pretty much everything. I don’t register to her unless or except she needs something from me or she needs me to STOP doing something. Hard to feel that way… to get reinforcement that you really don’t matter to your partner beyond what you can do/be/give.

Even further made worse by Wife just sitting on the couch… me asking about dinner… being told that she would like some dinner… and so I got up to get it sorted. We had a small amount of lasagna and a small amount of fish; so I put them on plates, microwaved them, and that was that. But when I brought the food to her? Not a thank you. Not a sign of appreciation for taking care of her with the food thing. What did she say? “I was going to save the fish for my lunch tomorrow. But OKAY! Guess I can’t do that now.” Then the next thing she said, several minutes later, was “My job makes me sad. My job makes me so sad. It’s just so lonely!”

Glad that I can help out around the house, provide food and clean things, even be rather inexpensive psychological help and all I have to do is have no personal needs, wants, and never ever snore.

BELOW ARE PHOTOS OF ME
This is me in my lounge-about clothes with long hair and facial hair intentionally pushing my belly out in an attempt to make me look better when (if) I lose weight.
This is me in my FAVORITE OUTFIT with long hair and facial hair.
This is me today with my hair cut and face shaved. Honestly… I hate seeing my face shaved these days. I used to have an awesome jawline and… it is gone now. Hopefully, I can get it back if I lose weight but I don’t know.
My unfortunate current weight. Need to get it down to 200; want to get it down to 160.

Last updated April 03, 2018