Existential crisis in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

So, tonight I watched a couple of videos on youtube about people and their DMT experiences.
It basically triggered me to go through my whole ego death experience again, which triggered me to start thinking about the nature of life and death, which then prompted me to begin thinking about the passage/illusion of time, which then started me thinking about the fact that life in itself is just an illusion…and then I had to call my mom.

I’ve been having a hard time lately, grappling with the concept of death.

All of my life I have wanted to die, I’ve attempted a few drug overdoses, none of which worked, obviously, and then I’ve lived recklessly…living with a death wish…that was a thing.
Almost a year and a half ago I hated living so much that I just stayed in my bed for three and a half days, only getting up to pee, until finally on the last day I didn’t have to pee anymore because I hadn’t eaten anything or drank any water…that got me a nice hospital visit.

Ever since my DMT experience, however, I have not wanted to die.
And ever since I saw my grandpa in hospice last January before he died, I have been terrified of death.

I’m afraid that it’s going to be like that ego death experience…and the truth of the matter is that the ego death was merely the beginning of shit getting weird in my trip, I was eventually reborn and heard the most glorious music and had the sensation of being in some golden jungle…and yet, here I am transfixed on this fucking ego death.

Why am I even so attached to my ego for that matter?

…I mean, I guess we all are, aren’t we?

I just never want to feel that way again…just alone in a void…for eternity…jesus.

I wish I could believe anyone who says they have the answers.
I wish God would come to me and explain this all to me.

After doing DMT I definitely believe in a creator and I call that creator “God” for lack of a better term.

God might actually even be a collective.

You know…shit hasn’t been all that great in my life. It’s actually been really fucked up.
But at the same time, if I can’t take these experiences with me when I leave this place, then what the fuck is the point?
Seriously.
What’s the point in doing anything?
If you can’t take this experience with you then why shouldn’t I just kill myself now and get it over with so I don’t just have to sit here waiting to die?
Why find someone to love?
Why have children?
Why work towards fucking anything if you’re just going to cease being you in any capacity that you understand yourself?

I wish someone had a fucking answer for me that I could trust.

I’ve seen some shit, not even just on DMT. I’ve had visions.
Yeah, I know…I also have psychotic episodes.
But who says that the shit I see during those episodes aren’t real? Maybe having a psychotic break is some sort of hyper reality?

I’m just typing this out because talking to my mom about this shit kind of made me feel better, so I figured writing about this might kind of make me feel better…and I guess it feels like some sort of a release, but I know I’m not going to get any answers from this, at least nothing that I’m satisfied with.

I wish I could just die and get it over with.
And at the same time, since doing DMT I actually want to live.

What the fuck, brain?
being bi-polar fucking rules.
Thinking about this kind of stuff freaks me the fuck out.

I remember when I was like, seven or eight, I used to just lie in bed and cry while trying to grasp the concept of eternity.

My brain hates me.
I’ve seen too much.

I’ve opened some doors I can’t close.

My mom says I should probably lay off the psychedelics for good.
I don’t know…
What’s the point?
The doors have already been opened.
I’ve already been shown a thousand questions with no answers.

What, am I going to go crazy or something? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha…
…that’s a joke because I go crazy.

Anyway, I think that’s all I have to say.
I’m glad PB is going to be sticking around.
I was just about to come to terms with saying goodbye.

Thanks for reading.
Thanks for sticking around.
I love you.
-Dane