From One Moon Phase to Another in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Ladies, Gentlemen, Nonconforming, and Alien Lifeforms: This may be a long entry! I’m discussing Fri/Sat and doing so with some considerable detail. Funny thing is? Even with this long ass entry, I’ll still probably write a second one,

When last we left off, I was leaving The Firm for the last time. I was happy to be leaving and even on my last day, I received a great deal of reinforcement for that decision! All things considered, hooray for that! Leaving Nebraska came with doubts. Leaving Tiny Town came with doubts and some regret. I do not foresee such things happening here. Perhaps if the environment had been one more about growing, learning and improving. Perhaps if the monetary scheme was more generous. Perhaps if the time demands were more reasonable. But the abundant plethora of shit all added together? I give all of you expressed, clear, and unambiguous permission to absolutely let me have it should I ever begin to say “I should have stayed at The Firm.” Seriously. Don’t ever let me get away with that shit.

I drove home and grabbed some clothes for the Omaha trip then left to run errands. The plan was to get air in my tires, go to the bank, and then grab a quick something as I hadn’t eaten all day. I’d just finished the air bit and started driving to the Bank when Wife called asking, “Where are you?” I informed her I was driving to the bank. Long story short: after the bank I was to come home and we would both get something to eat. No worries? Riiiiiight. I came home, famished, and waited for Wife to be ready to go. She’d already packed, one would think that it would be a quick thing to just get in the car. Not so much. She started doing dishes as I walked in the door. After that, I reminded her I was very hungry and had not eaten. She then went to the bathroom to comb her hair and double check that she’d packed everything. After that, I reminded her that I was very hungry and had not eaten and that we needed to leave. She then went into the bedroom and started organizing clothes to be a certain way in the closet. At this point, any even medium patience I may have had was gone. I straight up said, “Wife. What are you doing?!” She stopped, as if thinking for the first time, and said “I don’t know. Just anxious so I’m doing stuff.” I suppressed an exasperated sigh and said, “Then stop. We need to leave. And I am HUNGRY.” So she finally got in the car. Ugh.

Lately, I’ve been noticing (or re-noticing) all the things about Wife and putting them into an understandable perspective. Translation: I’ve gone from accepting “ADHD, Wal Mart, et al” excuses and gone back to interpreting her shit as being selfish and self-focused. Granted, I’m sure I should be considering it “Anxiety based” and all that but… her anxiety also largely stems from her constant self-focus. If she would consider other people (something I’ve been encouraging her to learn for years) she could step outside of her own head. But that could be an ouroboros of an issue. Her anxiety keeps her trapped in her own head, she’s spent so much time there that she’s become infuriatingly self-absorbed and self-focused, and so she spends more time in her head. Could be.

The drive to Omaha was equally frustrating in many ways. Anything I said was ignored. But I’m starting to see what that “ignoring” looks like. She isn’t being a bitch and ignoring me… she’s so deeply in her head and so dedicatedly self-focused that she literally isn’t hearing me. Gaining insight and understanding certainly doesn’t make things easier.

So we got to Omaha where I was even hungrier (snack was nice but I needed more). We checked in, got settled in, and I inquired as to getting food. Wife… turned on Netflix, started watching a comedian, and agreed that we should get some food. WHAT? How are you going to turn on a Comedy Special and then agree with me that we should get some food? Oh well. I just went back to the car, grabbed another bag and my cell phone and came back to the hotel room. I was texting a friend during that time. When I got back to the Hotel Room, Wife was even more hunkered in and watching the comedian. BAH. I just told her that we were going to the hotel’s bistro and eat there.

The food was okay, the drinks were okay. The bartender was a Student Teacher and we had a good conversation with her. Wife, who has been much better about staying off alcohol than I have, had two drinks and was definitely feeling it. We went back to the room, she got in bed and continued to watch the comedian. I got ready for bed and texted my friend that I was sleepy and wouldn’t be able to respond any more that night. I think my friend was upset(?) because (unless I’ve missed my guess) our conversation has now been blocked… meaning I can no longer send messages. Depressing, to be honest.

I got into bed, looking forward to some rest if any could be had, when I felt Wife scooting over to me and putting her arm around me. She has been doing that a bit more lately when her anxiety and stress overwhelm her. So that’s what I thought it was. But then she said, “You know, we could have sex if we wanted to.” That… is as much “foreplay” or “flirting” or “warm up” as I ever really get from her. And I must admit, I’m a bit mad and disappointed at myself for indulging her. I’m sick of everything being HER time table, HER needs and wants, HER… just everything. There is no room in her head, clearly, for anyone else and I’m definitely upset with that and very unhappy about our relationship. Particularly in that she does so much to destroy my self-esteem by making me feel considerably unattractive. But… as I am a weak, pathetic, and desperately foolish man… I gave in. Pretty standard sex, as per usual. Missionary Position, me doing all the work. At least I can say that (as per my usual) I gave her her happy ending most certainly. And, she jokes about it but it is fairly accurate, that her go to post orgasm move is to roll over and go to sleep. She really does. Very much the “I got mine” of sex moves. She fell asleep, I watched a movie before I, too, went to sleep.

Woke up this morning (Saturday) and got ready. Wife watched more netflix. We got in the car to go to the movie, got there and… today was MUCH colder than I expected! I should have brought a coat. So I was shuffling to the door when we come upon two display DeLoreans (one with a flux capacitor!) It was really cool but, again, as display pieces… just something cool to look at on the way in. Wife got out her camera and took dozens of pictures while I froze. We got into the theater, finally, and I actually had an interesting conversation with one of the other guys in line. We all had our tickets but were waiting for seating. We got in and a little bit into the movie, Wife is telling me all the ways the film isn’t like the book. As if I hadn’t read it more recently. As if I hadn’t, on the drive down, reminded her of major characters. But I’m okay with that… she can be excited about the book/movie thing.

I won’t do a full review of Ready Player One but I have to admit… I found myself getting choked up and almost crying a few times. Not because of the movie itself but because of some of what the themes reminded me. I’ll try to be brief.
(1) The book came out in 2011 and focused on the independence of the characters, their encyclopedic knowledge of a specific topic, and their mission to prevent an evil multinational from taking over the last “truly free” place in the world. The movie, to my thoughts, focused on the characters teaming up, their willingness to rely on each other, and their mission to secure something valuable from the negative influences. In other words, the Book was hopeful about what an Online Gamer could be… the Movie was forced to accept that in the last 7 years, we’ve seen how toxic the Online Gaming community can be. It was like a painful mirror reminding me that a space that was once brimming with hope has fallen to toxic influences.
(2) With the focus of the movie being on things like friendship, cooperation, and people supporting each other… it just hit my heart like a knife. It wasn’t everyone relying on Wade. It wasn’t Wade carrying everyone at his own peril. Aech helped Z and Z helped Aech. Arti helped Z and Z helped Arti. It never felt like one character had to shoulder the entire responsibility and sacrifice him/herself without support. That hit like a ton of bricks. Especially as my marriage has felt so much like the opposite of that… I was just overcome a bit, I think.

When the movie ended, we left the theater screening area and start to walk through the halls of the Cineplex. I tried to engage Wife in conversation about the movie but she ignored me. Still in her head. Still no time or tolerance for a conversation. We got outside and, again, I was cold and she wanted to take more pictures of the DeLoreans. So I just went ahead to the car while she snapped several more photos of the cars she had snapped several photos of originally. She reached the car and I left the parking lot. I tried to engage her for five minutes to no avail. Then she said something completely unrelated to what I had said. I didn’t snap but I did bring the conversation to a halt. And specifically asked if she had heard anything that I had said. Anything. At all. She said that she couldn’t really say for sure. So I pressed the issue and asked her if it was because she was stressing or focusing on something else. She said no. So it wasn’t that something else in her head was “so big” that it occupied her… it wasn’t that her anxiety had built up and she was escaping into herself (at least by her statements). It was just that… I was talking and she couldn’t be arsed to care. Now that REALLY got to me.

We arrived at our next destination (a pub with old Arcade games) and played some games and had some drinks. About thirty minutes in, I said to Wife: “It’s funny. There’s skeeball, the gun games, and pinball. All the other games? Of the ones I’d really want to play, I think I own all of them back at home.” 90 minutes pass and I’m playing a cabinet game of one of the games we have at home. Wife comes over to me and says, “It is funny because you have this one at home.” As I said previously, my patience for her has waned. I asked her if she remembered what I said earlier, about owning the games. “You said something about the games?” Tear my hair out. Honestly. Like… it was beginning to really depress my heart that my wife honestly couldn’t care about what I say or what I have to say unless (apparently) it is about her.

We drove back home and I considered a lot of things. One of the things people see when Wife and I are together is that we talk almost entirely in movie quotes and references. Originally, I had thought that a cute sign that we shared a connection. On the drive home, I was starting to suspect something else. By speaking in this “language of references”, Wife was never receiving new information… she was never being forced to take me into her brain. She could always just filter me or anything else via what she already had in her head, the things she exclusively cared about. Maybe I was overthinking it. Maybe I was over simplifying it. But it did occur to me that instead of having adult conversations about life and things that mattered to the both of us… most of our conversations were about her or referential. No wonder I’m always “running off” to my parents to discuss big things in my life. I can’t rely on my wife to listen, help, or care. Again… I may be being overly harsh. But… that is what I was thinking and how I am feeling. Not a great place to be.

We got home and Wife put on Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. She is a huge Luc Besson fan (huge) and it is a movie I’ve wanted to see. After it ended, she went into the bedroom and I stayed in the living room working on computer stuff. She called out asking if I was coming to bed. I shrugged and said “soon.” About ten minutes later at 11:30 p.m., she asks again more insistently. That in itself is weird and frustrating. So she wants me in bed to help her sleep, but after she initially gets to sleep, if (in my unconscious and unintentional state) I do anything that she dislikes, she wakes me up. Allow me to say “gr.” It feels like, once again, she wants everything her way no matter how much of a hassle it is, so long as the hassle is for other people and not her.

I get in bed. I start to get comfortable in an effort to sleep and then Wife says, “Don’t snore.” I suppressed my reaction. Don’t bug me about coming to bed just to tell me not to do something I literally have no control over. And like clockwork, a few hours after nodding off, I’m woken up by Wife telling me I was snoring. Yeah… my patience is wearing thin.

Or maybe I’m being overly harsh.

To close THIS one, something I was thinking about today as it relates to both Ready Player One and Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.

The most important lesson I’ve learned from Science Fiction and The Real World
When resources are limited, communism is destructive. Putting a government in charge of “determining who should have/receive and who should not” only hastens the corruption of the government and the abuse of power over its people. Thus, as painfully flawed as it is, Capitalism attempts to circumvent that government corruption. Of course, we know that Human Psychology massively affects all levels of this and Capitalism can lead to its own corruption and evils.
When resources are infinite? Communism is powerfully effective. If resources are infinite, than giving to those with the greatest need doesn’t hurt anybody else or prevent anyone from thriving. It should be obvious, however, that a transition would be violent, hostile, and tragic. If we moved FROM a Capitalist Society TO a world of infinite resources? I think we all know that the richest and most connected powers in our Universe would do whatever they could to prevent any shift in power no matter how beneficial to everyone ever. And that makes me sad. If there was (for example) a species of sentient alien that had created eternally replicating matter converters… the Powers in our world would consider those aliens a threat. Despite being able to give earth everything it ever needed, such a threat to the power structure would be seen as too dangerous. Worse, those same powers WOULD be willing to grab a matter converter, keep it secret, PROFIT FROM IT, and continue along as though the salvation of mankind wasn’t just sitting around waiting to be shared.